Friday, April 9, 2010

searching.

what a crazy week. it was definitely a "Leyla" week :)
(refer back to the "rooted" post if you don't know what Leyla is)

i found out late monday night that one of my favorite bands was having a concert on wednesday night in the ATL. so. of course, i had to go. it was not long after that i also found out it was their farewell tour because the band was breaking up. so then it was basically a life or death situation. ha. i literally asked every single one of my friends to go with me. literally. all of them. to which i got the same response, 'man i wish i could but i have to, (insert something that has to do with school work). otherwise i totally would". i cannot put into words how frustrated i was. i just wanted to see Copeland!! but, then, God worked a miracle. i went to an RUF meeting and the girl i was sitting next to started talking about how boring her week was and how little she had to do. to which i jumped (literally) and asked her if she wanted to come and BAM. concert road trip was in motion. we ended up having some awesome bonding time in the car, eating junk food, and jammin' out to some awesome tunes all the way there and back. the concert was AMAZING. the people behind me were probably very annoyed with my dancing, but oh well. i love music, what can i say. so after a night of great friend time and awesome music, i got home, went to bed, and was rudely awakened at 7 am for my ethics class.

and it just wouldn't be a normal thursday if i didn't have some absurd statement from my ethics teacher. (cathy, this is for you) and yes, we are STILL talking about virtue. and i quote....

"The virtuous still possess virtue while they are asleep, its just that they are asleep and so cannot carry out any virtuous deeds"

wow. enlightening. i am so glad i have and hour and 15 min devoted to this.

this week i also got to hold my beautiful, baby nephew for the first time. it is so surreal to hold him. he fell asleep in my arms for about an hour today and i just sat there and stared at him the whole time thinking about how fast he is going to grow up and wondering what all God has in store for his life. i cannot wait to see the man he turns out to be.

it has also been really neat for me to watch lindsey and colby in the way the are teaching both ellie jane and john. the way they love both of them so affectionately and so wisely. i never realized how many analogies of parents with their children and Christ with us can be made. i mean, i know we are His children, but i never really stopped to think about an actual picture of what that means. just watching linds and colby tonight it amazed me that Gods love for john and ellie jane greatly surpasses their love for them both. that love is unimaginable to me.

which leads me to my next thought. recently with friends, a teacher, and an incredible musician i have been amazed to see how desperately people are searching for someone to love them.

i have this english teacher who honestly, is the bomb.com. i love her. she is EXTREMELY liberal and just really out there. she used to be in hells angels (yes, the motorcycle gang), she was really abused in her 20's, has been in rehab, she used to be a hardcore feminist, the list goes on. so because of her unbelievably difficult past she has learned to be independent to the max. she only depends on herself. and honestly, i can't blame her.
the first day of class she said "if your conservative, leave it at the door because i wont listen to any of your s***. being close minded is dumb, and if your dumb i will fail you." i wanted to crawl in a ball and hide. but i really have come to enjoy her class and im very fascinated by her. she shocked me with what she said in class on monday and wednesday though. it was so out of her character...

"you can't fall out of love. love is so much more than a feeling. its a decision. if you say 'i fell out of love' than thats a load of bull s***. basically what your saying is you gave up. if you truly love something, then you work for it. you work for it like you have never worked before. you work FOR it and you work AT it."

then on wednesday she said,

"most people who have changed things in this world have gone at it calmly but steadfastly. and usually they used parables. but the ones that rock this world are the ones that die for the change they believe in. socrates gave his life for his beliefs, kate chopin gave her career which was her life... i wonder what it would look like if someone now a days believed for something that much. i sure as h*** haven't found anyone"

both days i left class and could not get her out of my mind. everything she said the first day, to me, is the Gospel. Christ made the decision to love us. to love me. he loved me so much that he died for me. he died for his 'cause'. Christ went about proclaiming his truth, calmly but steadfastly. and God has been working on me, pursuing me, since creation. it absolutely breaks my heart that a person's eyes can be that blind to unconditional love.

if my grade weren't on the line... man i would talk with her like there was no tomorrow.

then, Aaron Marsh, the lead singer of Copeland, sat down at his piano wednesday night, didn't say a word, and began to sing the most beautiful song. i have listened to it a million and 1 times, but i had never REALLY heard it before....

"feel the pain teaching us how much more we can take, reminding us how far we've come. let the pain burn away from our heart. we have time to start all over again. well if you would shine your love down here oh make our hearts as perfect as new, oh if you would shine your love down here oh i promise i'd reflect right back at you. oh i promise i'd reflect it right back at you"

and there it was again. that heart-breaking feeling. sometimes, well alot of times, i wonder why God doesn't just save everyone.

i wish that i had the ability to express clearly what i felt in these and a few other instances this week. but honestly, i dont know how to put it into words. it was this almost helpless feeling. i felt so small. so many people are searching for something to make them feel. wether it be to feel alive, meaningful, special, loved, complete.... they all just want something more. as i have thought over these things this past week, i have just gotten really frustrated with the Lord. all my 'why' questions started coming up. the main one being "why me? why did you choose to save me but not him, or her, or them?" in the book Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands, Paul Tripp says,

"God uses ordinary people to do extraordinary things in the lives of others... God never intended us to simply be the objects of his love. We are also called to be instruments of that love in the lives of others"

i was frustrated because i knew that there was absolutely nothing i could do to help these people. there was 100% nothing, done by me, that could make them feel any better or any more loved. but reading that reminded me that its not me that changes people. how dare i give myself that much credit haha! God is the healer. God is the forgiver. God is the comforter. God is the rock. God is understanding. God is fulfillment. God is life.

God doesn't need me. God wants me. God wants me to know him so that i can glorify him by living my life in a way that demonstrates him. i have to know that i am nothing and he is everything..

overall this week was awesome. like i said, it was a very "Leyla" week and i loved it. my road trip was so fun, the weather has been amazing, my family is the bomb, and my God is indescribable.

abc.

No comments:

Post a Comment