Thursday, March 31, 2011


i miss my sweet friends.... friends that encourage me like this. i was just reminiscing about all y'all and thought the title would be much appreciated. yall mean the world to me.


Wednesday, March 30, 2011

a beautiful thing.

"... i know my call despite my faults
and despite my growing fears...

...and i'll find strength in pain
and i will change my ways
i'll know my name as it's called again

so come out of your cave walking on your hands
and see the world hanging upside down
you can understand dependence
when you know the maker's hand

so make your siren's call
and sing all you want
i will not hear what you have to say

cause I need freedom now
and I need to know how
to live my life as it's meant to be..."
- The Cave, Mumford and Sons

this. this sums up the point i have come to in my life. listening to this song, its like it penetrates straight to my heart. this is why i love music. music has a crazy way of not only explaining what your feeling, but sometimes, even just the music of the song hits- right on- what you are feeling. its beautiful.

today, for me, in the season of life that i am in, that is this song.

"i know my call despite my faults and despite my growing fears..." i hate to admit it, but the Lord has been showing me more and more how terrified i am to fully submit to his will. and most of those fears come from the knowledge of my faults. really knowing yourself can be a scary thing. but thats what is so beautiful about the intricate design of the Lord in my life. i am learning that those insecurities, those faults, the Lord gave me that he might use me.

look at moses. moses hated public speaking and begged for the Lord not to use him, and yet God- in all his humor- made him a leader. a leader of thousands of people. i am seeing how much bigger God is than my fears- even when some of my fears seem monstrous.

"i will find strength in pain, and i will change my ways. ill know my name when its called again." knowing the call that the Lord has for my life, despite what i think is or should stop me- to be a faithful servant of the Lord i must change my ways. i must flee from those things. like paul says,

"therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses,
let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely,
and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,
looking to Jesus,
the founder and perfecter of our faith,
who for the joy that was set before him
endured the cross,
despising the shame,
and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."
-hebrews 12:1-2

i have to change my ways. yes, that will bring pain, but my strength is not in myself. it is in the Lord. and in doing that, i will know my identity in Christ. i will know who i am. i will know what i am about. and when the Lord calls me by name- i will know, because i know my Father.

the next verse is so amazing to me. "so come out of your cave walking on your hands and see the world hanging upside down. you can understand dependence when you know the Makers hand" i feel like living in this world, this day, this generation is next to impossible sometimes. like i can maybe last for 5 seconds and then i fall again.... like walking on my hands. its like, for my generation especially, there is so much darkness. so much being thrown at us and so much being justified. this verse is like a quiet reminder that we are in 'a cave' of darkness- but there is a way out. and when we get out of that darkness, ya we will be stumbling, and we will be super confused but once we come to the light outside of the cave, we will see how upside down- how incorrect it all is. and in the realization, we will see our utter need for a savior. our dependancy on our Maker...

and that leads to total freedom. knowing that i am completely dependent on my Maker allows me to say bring it on. to say "so make your sirens call and sing all you want! i will not hear what you have to say." if i am walking in the will of my Father, knowing who i am and my worth in Christ, being totally dependent on Him- then the world has NOTHING to offer me...

and now, for what sparked on this whole post is the last lines. because thats where i find myself now. i think all the stuff above has been what the Lord has been proving as truth to me over the past few years. and now that i feel like i know who i am in Christ and the things he has called me to, "i need freedom now and i need to know how to live my life as its meant to be".

i am SO looking forward to thailand and for many different reasons. i have felt more and more called to go. to take the gospel to the nations. and the Lord has been validating that to me in so many ways.when we had our retreat, they told us for this not to be reason for going... but it is- one thing i am looking forward to with Thailand is getting the experience of being overseas, in a country that i dont know the language, and in a culture that i dont know, talking to people, praying for them, and demonstrating through our lives the gospel of Jesus.

this is how i feel about myself right now. the Lord has got me. he has got me so securly in his hands. and through all the muck, dirt, and filth that he saved me from, the seed took sprout. and the past few years i have just been a stem. i had no clue what to do, but i knew i needed to grow. now, i am seeing more and more what i feel like God has called me to and i am beginning to blossom. not fully yet, there are still A TON of unknowns, but i am finding beauty in the direction the Lord is leading me. and despite my fears, my faults, and every sin that is clinging so tightly to me- i know the freedom that is found in Christ and i am learning to embrace it more and more each day. and that is a beautiful, wonderful thing.


Monday, March 28, 2011


adele is my new obsession and is getting me through this rainy, homework-filled, monday.



this is how i, along with my friends in the class, feel after leaving our MWF 9am class.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

carrots and rocks.

its about 1 am. im sitting on my roof, eating cookies, listening to one of my favorite playlists, and contemplating life. there is something so soothing about being outside. buuuut, when you are a 20 year old girl living in auburn, there are only so many places, outside, that you can go to, at 1 am, by yourself. so, im hoping i don’t wake my roommates under me up even though i busted it getting out here!

one of my closest friends and i went on a drive tonight trying to go to climb the fire tower, but couldnt so we just drove. put some adele and kings of leon on and drove. talking through things to each other and trying to make since of things that are going on in each of our lives. and, basically, we came to the conclusion that we will probably never figure them out. i'd say it was a successful drive eh?

but while talking out loud, trying to piece together everything that is going on in my heart and life, i think i connected one of the millions of dots in my big puzzle-picture of a life.

one thing that i have gotten frustrated with since as long as i can remember, is commitment in relationships. friend relationships, family relationships, and dating relationships... it seems like there is always someone giving more, loving more, trying more, and just caring more.

there have been so many times that i feel like i have invested so much in a relationship, invested so much in one person, and they seem to be totally apathetic to it. and, looking back, there are relationships that i feel like someone invested SO much in me, loved me so deeply, and cared about me more than i could ever image, and i didn't even see it because i was so wrapped up in myself.

as we were driving tonight, i was venting to my friend about this... thinking out loud. in so many different areas, i can see the Lord showing me sin in my life. this is one of them. in so many things that have happened recently, i see the Lord slowly taking the scales off my eyes. i am seeing more and more how any type of relationship is a two way street. it has to be 100-100. even if it is 90-100 it just doesn't work.

as humans, we were (literally) created for relationships. and our example of relationships is that of Christ with us. so our human relationships should exemplify that... they should be 100-100. the Lord has used specific things in my life to show me how it just does not work if it is any other way. and that lead to my connecting of the dots tonight... i say that in every relationship i want it to be 100-100. but in my walk with the Lord, right now, it is not. i dont know where im at, but its not 100. ive been such a hypocrite. i want it to be there. i want it so badly, but its not.

tonight, my friend gave me a great picture that has helped me in many areas. she started explaining that the Lord is so sovereign. that he has so intricately planned every detail of our lives and in doing so knows exactly what we need. she told me, the Lord is more faithful and good than to just dangle a carrot in front of our eyes and then only allow us to settle for a rock. that in all things, relationships, our future jobs, our future in general.. he is not going to say 'ah, look dont you love doing this?! welp, sorry, this is all you are going to be able to do with that passion' or 'gosh, dont you love this in a person? well, im sorry... but your just going to have to settle for someone like this'. no. he dangles carrots to get us off our butts. he shows us good to bring us to better.

sorry for the analogies, but i like to think of everything im learning like monkey bars. before you get on the first monkey bar, you have to first put your hands on the bar and jump off the ladder. you cant keep standing to move forward. and even though the hardest and scariest part is now over- that initial first leap- what are you going to do now? just hang there? no, your grip with loosen, your muscles will tire, and you'll fall. in order to stay on the bars, you have to keep moving. you have to let one hand go, and move it to the next bar. once a tight grip is there, you have to let go of the old bar to enable you to swing to the next. it is impossible to move forward if you are standing (or hanging) still. it is the constant grip and release that gets you across the bars.

translate that to every person that claims to be a christian. it is impossible to walk with the Lord if you are not, after taking the initial leap, grasping what is greater and releasing what is lesser. if that release doesnt happen, you'll be seeing carrots and getting rocks.

i see now that the Lord has placed things in my life to show me things that in turn spur me on to let go. to let go and swing to the next. to let go of what is lesser to attain what is greater. the Lord has shown me true love. the Lord has shown me true commitment. the Lord has shown me true pursuit. and the Lord has shown me true passion. and seeing what is greater, i am now free- utterly free- to let go of these things that are lesser.

it not only frees me, but it holds me accountable too. i dont want to be someone's lesser. in any relationship. in my family relationships, in my friend relationships, or any future dating relationship. i want my love to be like that of my Father. selfless. a love that spurs on faith. that spurs on courage. and that spurs on action. because that is the love that has been shown to me.

growing up is a funny thing.


Tuesday, March 22, 2011

a never ending light.

gosh. i really am so thankful for my friends.

one thing that i have been praying for- literally since i got to auburn- is for a group of friends that have the same desires and convictions as me. for friends that get it. i have been praying for accountability in different areas of my life and for girls that are running hard and fast after the Lord. well, man did He answer that one.

today i have just been so encouraged by the conversations, the challenges, and the accountability i have gotten from my friends. i just love them!

anyways. tonight at biblestudy we had such an encouraging time. we are working or way through James and i love it! Mrs. P, the lady that leads us, was talking us through one of the verse in there and honestly BLEW my mind with the point she brought up...

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above,
coming down from the Father of lights
with whom there is no variation
or shadow due to change."
-James 1:17

now, yall know me and my analogies so of course this hit home for me.. she started talking to us about how cool that verse is. how it refers to God as 'the Father of lights' and goes on to say 'with whom there is NO variation or shadow due to change'. think about that! being in the light is always representative of knowledge or understanding.. but how do we know what knowledge or understanding is? by knowing God. because he is the only COMPLETELY constant thing in our lives and in our world.

now here is where she blew me away... she asked us what sources of light never very and never cause shadows. what sources of light never change?

there aren't any. a light bulb can wear out or be turned off and even broken. the sun rises and the sun sets. the sun casts shadows on things, causing darkness. a candle or a flame will wear out and can be extinguished. the only source of light that is fully sufficient, never ending, never changing, and never causing darkness is from the Father of light.

i wont go into it... but think of the BILLIONS of analogies that can be made by that one simple truth. my mind has been racing all. day. long.

its so cool to me that the verse says 'every good and perfect GIFT is from above...' and then goes to say that last part. because if you read the beginning of the chapter, it starts with...

"Count it all joy, my brothers,
when you meet trials of various kinds,
3 for you know that the testing of your faith
produces steadfastness.
4 And let steadfastness have its full effect,
that you may be perfect and complete,
lacking in nothing."

first off that is just a dang powerful hunk of verses. but to see how James brings it full circle is so cool to me. reading how he goes from talking about trials and struggling to reminding each of us of the God we serve... thats tight.

another blog i follow (, when writing about trials she put it so well. she asked how gold is made. its made through fire. for gold to be perfected, it must first be refined through fire. the fire melts away all the imperfections and in the end the gold has been made beautiful and is now a valued treasure. thats why we should count it as JOY. because we know the God we serve and the pain- it is just the perfection. because on the other side of the fire is the beautifully perfect heart.

the whole time i was meditating on those verses in my head, it took me back to every single time my dad and i have talked and ended up at Psalm 37..

"3 Trust in the Lord, and do good;
dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.
4 Delight yourself in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
5 Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in him, and he will act.
6 He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,
and your justice as the noonday sun."
-Psalm 37:3-6

At noonday, there are no shadows. The sun is directly above everything not allowing there to be darkness. That is my prayer. to live with no shadows, dwelling in the light of my Father.


Monday, March 21, 2011

i know that you are for me.

getting back in the swing of things after spring break has not been as difficult as i thought. maybe because im naturally a morning person and since i woke up no later than 9:30 all of spring break it just wasn't a big adjustment. or maybe because i really enjoy having things to do through out my day as opposed to having absolutely nothing required of me. (dont get me wrong, i do enjoy days like that every so often though!) but, as needed as my spring break was, im glad to be back.

i registered for classes today and thought i was going to fall out of my seat when i read, "your class for registration purposes is senior". i literally FLIPPED. OUT. i cannot believe i only have 2 semesters of college left. where did that time go?

as i have had the reality of the real world coming quickly sinking in, i have been sorting through alot that has occurred in my life recently. for me, to make a decision of importance (like, what i am going to do with my life, if i should go to grad school, if so- what for... you know, basic stuff), then i like to have all my "girly emotions" sorted through so that i can actually think clearly. i like to get all my ups and downs dealt with so that i can logically think through and pray through what i feel the Lord is calling me to.

thats been hard to do recently though. i think the Lord is teaching me alot about simply finding peace in his sovereign hand. which means having peace in not knowing and in not understanding. over the course of my college experience, the Lord has taught me alot about his sovereignty. he has taught me to trust his sovereignty, to submit to his sovereignty, and to be thankful for his sovereignty. but, finding peace, TRUE peace in it has been hard for me.

there have been some things go on recently in my life and thus in my heart that have not exactly lead to peace. things that have lead to alot of disappointment, alot of hurt. i think i am learning more and more that the only thing i can truly put my hope in is my heavenly Father. things, situations, people, just life in general ha- things/situations/people will disappoint, will let you down, wont follow through... but never, in my entire life, has the Lord promised something and not followed through. not once has the Lord spoken and it has not come to pass. i love that.

it has been so neat to see how the Lord has continued to draw me to himself despite my efforts to do otherwise. He has continued to place incredible friends in my life that constantly not only speak truth to me, but demonstrate it to me in love. i have been so thankful for that. for the friends that constantly remind me that the Lord is for me. that He is my protector, my guidance, and my peace.

"I have said these things to you,
that in me you may have peace.
In the world you will have tribulation.
But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
-John 16:33

its so neat to think about how constant the Lord is. how in what im sorting through now- the God in that verse is in control of my life. And, in a year, when I am looking at grad schools and internships and the real world in all its scariness- that is the God that will be in control of my life. And then, 10 years down the road, whether im overseas doing missions, in the states doing missions, or (i PRAY that this not be true) in the states, behind a desk, in my cubical- that that is the God that will be in control of my every single action.

that is a peaceful, comforting truth to be reminded of.

"So faithful. So constant.
So loving and so true.
So powerful in all You do.

You fill me. You see me.
You know my every move
and You love for me to sing to You.

I know that You are for me.
I know that You are for me.
I know that You will never,
forsake me in my weaknesses

I know that You have come now,
even if to write upon my heart.
To remind me who You are..."

-Keri Jobe "you are for me"


Wednesday, March 9, 2011

rain rain, stay.

theres something about rainy days that are so whimsical.
i love them. they make you have to slow down.
they inconvenience you, but its almost an enjoyable inconvenience.
i love them.

most people say rain, rain, go away... but i want it to stay. even if it is just for the day.
and i want to relax, nap, and be cozy!

to enjoy this rainy day, i put on my favoritest, warmest socks...

(clearly im not the only one in our house that feels this way)

make my favorite cup o' tea...

turn on my rainy day playlist...

and just relax.

there really isn't much better...
until reality hits and i remebmer that i have 2 tests
and have to get back to this....



Tuesday, March 8, 2011


i absolutely love everything she says in this. and the fact that she is one of my favorite singers just adds to it..

and here it is... her voice is phenomenal (fast forward to 00:55)


Monday, March 7, 2011

the Lord has been doing a work in my heart. i feel like he is REALLY growing me up. its scary, but kinda of cool. these lyrics really hit, right on, how im feeling towards the Lord since the last time i posted on here. HE, like always, has been so faithful to show me the sin in my heart and more of him and his incredible sovereignty...

"...filled with wonder,
awestruck wonder
at the mention of Your Name
Jesus, Your Name is power
Breath, and Living Water
Such a marvelous mystery...

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come,
With all creation I sing:
Praise to the King of Kings!
You are my everything,
And I - will - adore YOU"

happy monday!


Thursday, March 3, 2011

blood vessels and atriums.

theres this old song, and goes a little something like this...

"hate is a strong word. but i really, really, really, dont like you.."

well, im going to use that strong word, go out on a limb and say, biology- i hate you. i am not a good tester. i am actually VERY bad at taking test. i study a ridiculous amount of hours and then FREAK OUT when i get to the test and then cant remember anything i studied. seriously. i will be able to explain everything to people when i study with them but give me the test and its like i have never seen the material before.

well, tomorrow i have 2 tests. but, one is biology.

did you know that when blood goes through your heart it goes from the right atrium, to the tricuspid, and then to the right ventricle? but, wait, wait, if i am asked 'where does blood go after passing through the right atrium?' i am to put the right ventricle. but, didnt i just say that it has to go through the tricuspid first? no silly, it only passes BY the tricuspid and goes THROUGH to the ventricle. duhhhh.


and did you know that amylase in the pancreas breaks starch down into maltose. BUT the small intestine is where sucrose is broken down even though all the other enzymes broken down there are maltase and lactase? makes since right? ha, right.

i could go on, and on, and on, and on...... and on. but, you get the point. it is literally the most confusing thing ever.

moral of all this is- tomorrow, please do not come. ever.