Sunday, March 27, 2011

carrots and rocks.

its about 1 am. im sitting on my roof, eating cookies, listening to one of my favorite playlists, and contemplating life. there is something so soothing about being outside. buuuut, when you are a 20 year old girl living in auburn, there are only so many places, outside, that you can go to, at 1 am, by yourself. so, im hoping i don’t wake my roommates under me up even though i busted it getting out here!

one of my closest friends and i went on a drive tonight trying to go to climb the fire tower, but couldnt so we just drove. put some adele and kings of leon on and drove. talking through things to each other and trying to make since of things that are going on in each of our lives. and, basically, we came to the conclusion that we will probably never figure them out. i'd say it was a successful drive eh?

but while talking out loud, trying to piece together everything that is going on in my heart and life, i think i connected one of the millions of dots in my big puzzle-picture of a life.

one thing that i have gotten frustrated with since as long as i can remember, is commitment in relationships. friend relationships, family relationships, and dating relationships... it seems like there is always someone giving more, loving more, trying more, and just caring more.

there have been so many times that i feel like i have invested so much in a relationship, invested so much in one person, and they seem to be totally apathetic to it. and, looking back, there are relationships that i feel like someone invested SO much in me, loved me so deeply, and cared about me more than i could ever image, and i didn't even see it because i was so wrapped up in myself.

as we were driving tonight, i was venting to my friend about this... thinking out loud. in so many different areas, i can see the Lord showing me sin in my life. this is one of them. in so many things that have happened recently, i see the Lord slowly taking the scales off my eyes. i am seeing more and more how any type of relationship is a two way street. it has to be 100-100. even if it is 90-100 it just doesn't work.

as humans, we were (literally) created for relationships. and our example of relationships is that of Christ with us. so our human relationships should exemplify that... they should be 100-100. the Lord has used specific things in my life to show me how it just does not work if it is any other way. and that lead to my connecting of the dots tonight... i say that in every relationship i want it to be 100-100. but in my walk with the Lord, right now, it is not. i dont know where im at, but its not 100. ive been such a hypocrite. i want it to be there. i want it so badly, but its not.

tonight, my friend gave me a great picture that has helped me in many areas. she started explaining that the Lord is so sovereign. that he has so intricately planned every detail of our lives and in doing so knows exactly what we need. she told me, the Lord is more faithful and good than to just dangle a carrot in front of our eyes and then only allow us to settle for a rock. that in all things, relationships, our future jobs, our future in general.. he is not going to say 'ah, look dont you love doing this?! welp, sorry, this is all you are going to be able to do with that passion' or 'gosh, dont you love this in a person? well, im sorry... but your just going to have to settle for someone like this'. no. he dangles carrots to get us off our butts. he shows us good to bring us to better.

sorry for the analogies, but i like to think of everything im learning like monkey bars. before you get on the first monkey bar, you have to first put your hands on the bar and jump off the ladder. you cant keep standing to move forward. and even though the hardest and scariest part is now over- that initial first leap- what are you going to do now? just hang there? no, your grip with loosen, your muscles will tire, and you'll fall. in order to stay on the bars, you have to keep moving. you have to let one hand go, and move it to the next bar. once a tight grip is there, you have to let go of the old bar to enable you to swing to the next. it is impossible to move forward if you are standing (or hanging) still. it is the constant grip and release that gets you across the bars.

translate that to every person that claims to be a christian. it is impossible to walk with the Lord if you are not, after taking the initial leap, grasping what is greater and releasing what is lesser. if that release doesnt happen, you'll be seeing carrots and getting rocks.

i see now that the Lord has placed things in my life to show me things that in turn spur me on to let go. to let go and swing to the next. to let go of what is lesser to attain what is greater. the Lord has shown me true love. the Lord has shown me true commitment. the Lord has shown me true pursuit. and the Lord has shown me true passion. and seeing what is greater, i am now free- utterly free- to let go of these things that are lesser.

it not only frees me, but it holds me accountable too. i dont want to be someone's lesser. in any relationship. in my family relationships, in my friend relationships, or any future dating relationship. i want my love to be like that of my Father. selfless. a love that spurs on faith. that spurs on courage. and that spurs on action. because that is the love that has been shown to me.

growing up is a funny thing.


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