a beautiful thing.

"... i know my call despite my faults

and despite my growing fears...

...and i'll find strength in pain

and i will change my ways

i'll know my name as it's called again

so come out of your cave walking on your hands

and see the world hanging upside down

you can understand dependence

when you know the maker's hand

so make your siren's call

and sing all you want

i will not hear what you have to say

cause I need freedom now

and I need to know how

to live my life as it's meant to be..."

- The Cave, Mumford and Sons

this. this sums up the point i have come to in my life. listening to this song, its like it penetrates straight to my heart. this is why i love music. music has a crazy way of not only explaining what your feeling, but sometimes, even just the music of the song hits- right on- what you are feeling. its beautiful.

today, for me, in the season of life that i am in, that is this song.

"i know my call despite my faults and despite my growing fears..." i hate to admit it, but the Lord has been showing me more and more how terrified i am to fully submit to his will. and most of those fears come from the knowledge of my faults. really knowing yourself can be a scary thing. but thats what is so beautiful about the intricate design of the Lord in my life. i am learning that those insecurities, those faults, the Lord gave me that he might use me.

look at moses. moses hated public speaking and begged for the Lord not to use him, and yet God- in all his humor- made him a leader. a leader of thousands of people. i am seeing how much bigger God is than my fears- even when some of my fears seem monstrous.

"i will find strength in pain, and i will change my ways. ill know my name when its called again." knowing the call that the Lord has for my life, despite what i think is or should stop me- to be a faithful servant of the Lord i must change my ways. i must flee from those things. like paul says,

"therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses,

let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely,

and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,

looking to Jesus,

the founder and perfecter of our faith,

who for the joy that was set before him

endured the cross,

despising the shame,

and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."

-hebrews 12:1-2

i have to change my ways. yes, that will bring pain, but my strength is not in myself. it is in the Lord. and in doing that, i will know my identity in Christ. i will know who i am. i will know what i am about. and when the Lord calls me by name- i will know, because i know my Father.

the next verse is so amazing to me. "so come out of your cave walking on your hands and see the world hanging upside down. you can understand dependence when you know the Makers hand" i feel like living in this world, this day, this generation is next to impossible sometimes. like i can maybe last for 5 seconds and then i fall again.... like walking on my hands. its like, for my generation especially, there is so much darkness. so much being thrown at us and so much being justified. this verse is like a quiet reminder that we are in 'a cave' of darkness- but there is a way out. and when we get out of that darkness, ya we will be stumbling, and we will be super confused but once we come to the light outside of the cave, we will see how upside down- how incorrect it all is. and in the realization, we will see our utter need for a savior. our dependancy on our Maker...

and that leads to total freedom. knowing that i am completely dependent on my Maker allows me to say bring it on. to say "so make your sirens call and sing all you want! i will not hear what you have to say." if i am walking in the will of my Father, knowing who i am and my worth in Christ, being totally dependent on Him- then the world has NOTHING to offer me...

and now, for what sparked on this whole post is the last lines. because thats where i find myself now. i think all the stuff above has been what the Lord has been proving as truth to me over the past few years. and now that i feel like i know who i am in Christ and the things he has called me to, "i need freedom now and i need to know how to live my life as its meant to be".

i am SO looking forward to thailand and for many different reasons. i have felt more and more called to go. to take the gospel to the nations. and the Lord has been validating that to me in so many ways.when we had our retreat, they told us for this not to be reason for going... but it is- one thing i am looking forward to with Thailand is getting the experience of being overseas, in a country that i dont know the language, and in a culture that i dont know, talking to people, praying for them, and demonstrating through our lives the gospel of Jesus.

this is how i feel about myself right now. the Lord has got me. he has got me so securly in his hands. and through all the muck, dirt, and filth that he saved me from, the seed took sprout. and the past few years i have just been a stem. i had no clue what to do, but i knew i needed to grow. now, i am seeing more and more what i feel like God has called me to and i am beginning to blossom. not fully yet, there are still A TON of unknowns, but i am finding beauty in the direction the Lord is leading me. and despite my fears, my faults, and every sin that is clinging so tightly to me- i know the freedom that is found in Christ and i am learning to embrace it more and more each day. and that is a beautiful, wonderful thing.

abc.