Monday, February 28, 2011

when opposites meet.

exhaustion. that basically describes where im at with the Lord right now. well, just me as a whole really.

this is one of those post that is totally for me. because i need to read what im thinking to make it all make since. i have to get it out to let it go. i cant journal about it any more, i cant pray about it anymore, and i cant vent about it anymore because none of it makes since in my own head. so i have to let my fingers run free and get out everything thats going on in the curly headed brain of mine.

this may even be too blunt of a post. dad will probably laugh, mom probably wont like parts of it, and i think alot of my friends will relate to it....

i want to get away. and i mean far away. and more than that, i need to. i need to be on my own.

recently i have felt literally suffocated by everything around me to reach this level of perfection. i have felt this miserable weight to not miss a beat, to not do a single thing wrong. i have felt like i am under this microscope being unbelievably scrutinized in every move i make.

there are 2 sides to all this though and thats what makes this all so hard and confusing.

side 1: i love the Lord with literally every inch of my soul. the deepest desire of my heart is for the Lords will to be done in my life. i want my life to be lived in a manner worthy of the gospel and i want people to be encouraged to do the same when they watch me. i want Christ and the cross to be known. i want to impact the world for Christ. and i am not saying that in a world peace, beauty pageant kind of way. i really do yearn to impact the WORLD for Christ. i want to go. i want to be the hands and feet of the church. i want to be the one that takes the gospel to the nations. there are the providers, the prayer warriors, the funders... and then there are the go-ers. im a goer. everything in me wants to go. i want to be an ambassador for Christ.

side 2: literally the complete opposite. i am so sick of the pressures on me from every place to be this put together, perfect, godly girl. i am sick of feeling like i can not waver in one step. i am sick of knowing that i am always being watched by so many people. half of which i dont even know. i am tired of every single little thing i do being known. im tired of being a leader. i get frustrated that im looked up to in some areas. im sick of it. im sick of having to do and not do certain things simply because of the expectations that other people have for me. i am unbelievably exhausted from having to take the high road and be the mature one. what if i dont want to be the mature one? what if i want to get mad- i mean really mad and yell at someone. i am only twenty freaking years old. honestly, a huge part of me just wants to say, screw it. im doing it my way and you can just get over it.

how different could those two people be? it just shows the desire to do good battling my ingrown sinful, selfish nature.

but, thats whats going on in my heart. part of me just wants to run to scripture an be encouraged by Gods word, but then when i do i decide i dont want to because i know thats what im expected to do and im sick of that.

thats why i want to get away. i want so badly to be on my own. where no one knows me, no one has a preconceived notion of who i am or what i am about. no one thinks they know what i like to do, and no one knows who or where or what i come from, and no one expects me to make certain decisions.... where im not known.

and i want to stand on my own. i want to be able to figure out who abby really is. i want to figure out what i am really all about, and what my deepest desires really are, and what my passions in life truly are. i want to make decisions- not because i know i should or because its whats expected of me- but because i made the decision. i thought on my own, prayed through it on my own, and decided for my self. i want to grow up. well- a better way to say it would be that i want to grow into my own self. without ANY outside pressure.

no expectations. just authenticity. just me and God and my heart. my heart and my head are in no way in sync right now... but its simply because my heart is pulling one way and my head is pulling the complete opposite. its like the ballet The Battle for Lucindas Heart. whos going to win?

the funny thing is, i know who has already won. im just in a difficult battle right now. a battle of self vs. self. how do you win in that one? and thats where my exhaustion comes from. im done. my logic is out the window. my compassion is pretty worn down. and i just want a break. a break from it all.

  1. Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
    Let me hide myself in Thee;
    Let the water and the blood,
    From Thy wounded side which flowed,
    Be of sin the double cure,
    Save from wrath and make me pure.
  2. Not the labor of my hands
    Can fulfill Thy law’s demands;
    Could my zeal no respite know,
    Could my tears forever flow,
    All for sin could not atone;
    Thou must save, and Thou alone.
  3. Nothing in my hand I bring,
    Simply to Thy cross I cling;
    Naked, come to Thee for dress;
    Helpless, look to Thee for grace;
    Foul, I to the fountain fly;
    Wash me, Savior, or I die.
  4. While I draw this fleeting breath,
    When my eyes shall close in death,
    When I rise to worlds unknown,
    And behold Thee on Thy throne,
    Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
    Let me hide myself in Thee.

abc.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

just the little things.



this week i went and saw an incredible movie. this movie was inspirational, exciting, enticing, incredibly produced, and every song in it made me want to dance. in fact, i did. i danced, in my seat - raise-the-roof hands and all - for the majority of the movie. i also cried, along with my friends that went, towards the end from one reason and one reason only.

now, this may all sound like sarcasm, but i am being totally serious. i caught a serious case of...


(click on his name to see what i am talking about.)

i will admit it. i am almost 21 years old, and i am a bieleber.

abc.


Monday, February 21, 2011

celebrating.

this weekend was all about one thing: grandmoms 80th birthday!!


it was so great getting to have the whoooooole family together to celebrate having her in our lives for so long!


we all love you so much grandmom:)





ellie jane did this for forever! she would fill the cup a little bit, go give it to someone (that she knew of course) and then would go back and do it again. it was so funny!



something me and grandmom definitely have in common is that we LOVE presents! and the bigger, usually the better haha

big john was so fun. he is SUCH a sweet boy. i really can't wait to get to see his personality come out more and more as he contnues growing. i also love getting to take pictures of the kids...




he is soo close to walking!!


i love little babies curiosity. i hope to never grow out of mine.


ellie jane was in no mood for pictures.. these two were the best we could get of her!


still- the prettiest baby girl. hands down. i love my little squirt.


aunt bebe, i always love getting to see you. you inspire me so much.

and for mom...
this is the before picture. i feel like it is very symbolic of my life right now. an analogy, whats new! this is me trying to build my gingerbread house on my own. and below....

the after!! (mom aren't you proud?! i vacuumed and everything!) this is what i know it (it being my life) would look like if i would fully surrender to the Lord. im working on that one though....

abc.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

commitment.

Commitment is what transforms a promise into reality.
It is the words that speak boldly of your intentions.
And the actions which speak louder than the words.
It is making the time when there is none.
Coming through time after time after time, year after year after year.
Commitment is the stuff character is made of;
the power to change the face of things.
It is the daily triumph of integrity over skepticism.
– Abraham Lincoln

little things.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Valentines Day.

i like to think of Valentines day as Thanksgiving in February. i am surrounded by so much love. there is no way to put into words how much i love certain people. below are some lots of pictures of people that I love SO much!! (there are TONS more people that i wish i could put on here like my wonderful aunts, other family members, and friends. but either i didn't have a picture with you- which is SO sad- or i just couldn't fit any more on here!)

i wont lie, i made an album of 213 pictures of people i wanted to put on here! but, decided that was a little incessant.


love having you in our family, christine!

love you parker/ buns o' steel/ rooms...

AHHHHH i miss you and love you!

love our family and all our traditions...



love you more than you know bestie!


love you and miss you!!!


obviously i love ya'll. who wouldnt?!



love being an aunt of this little squirt..


and this big chunk!


love being ya'lls #1 fan!!


love you, little!


and last valentines day..... well, that was fun. loved having a secret admirer! (thanks roomies/drake. yall got me.)


love you, little sister!!



love and miss ya'll!


love you, Nana and Pop


best friend for as long as i can remember.

i love this family...


and this one...


and this one!


love and miss you SOOO much.


love each of these girls SO much.

i honestly don't think i would have made it through last semester without you!! you are SUCH a blessing my my life!


love when old photos come up to haunt you hahaha


some of the BEST sisters ever!!!


miss this and ya'll on the reg.


loved you since punk night! haha


everyone at Wofford knows my love for this big man.....


words can't describe my love for ya'll.


love you each, dearly.



ragan, you LOVED this.



when we all discovered our love for smilie face and browning tatoos...


love my auburn friends and all ya'lls unique personalities


love my best friends.



love my family- blood or not.







and as far as my family is concerned. i really could never possibly put into words how much i love each of you.

mom and dad especially- ya'll are incredible.

my moms valentines present to me was a book on hymns to be a reminder of the one true love. and i feel like this hymn is a fitting way to end this blog thats alllll about love...

"The love of God is greater far
Than tongue or pen can ever tell;
It goes beyond the highest star,
And reaches to the lowest hell;
The guilty pair, bowed down with care,
God gave His Son to win;
His erring child He reconciled,
And pardoned from his sin.

O love of God, how rich and pure!
How measureless and strong!
It shall forevermore endure
The saints’ and angels’ song.

When years of time shall pass away,
And earthly thrones and kingdoms fall,
When men, who here refuse to pray,
On rocks and hills and mountains call,
God’s love so sure, shall still endure,
All measureless and strong;
Redeeming grace to Adam’s race—
The saints’ and angels’ song.

Could we with ink the ocean fill,
And were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade,
To write the love of God above,
Would drain the ocean dry.
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
Though stretched from sky to sky."


abc.