this is one of those post that is totally for me. because i need to read what im thinking to make it all make since. i have to get it out to let it go. i cant journal about it any more, i cant pray about it anymore, and i cant vent about it anymore because none of it makes since in my own head. so i have to let my fingers run free and get out everything thats going on in the curly headed brain of mine.
this may even be too blunt of a post. dad will probably laugh, mom probably wont like parts of it, and i think alot of my friends will relate to it....
i want to get away. and i mean far away. and more than that, i need to. i need to be on my own.
recently i have felt literally suffocated by everything around me to reach this level of perfection. i have felt this miserable weight to not miss a beat, to not do a single thing wrong. i have felt like i am under this microscope being unbelievably scrutinized in every move i make.
there are 2 sides to all this though and thats what makes this all so hard and confusing.
side 1: i love the Lord with literally every inch of my soul. the deepest desire of my heart is for the Lords will to be done in my life. i want my life to be lived in a manner worthy of the gospel and i want people to be encouraged to do the same when they watch me. i want Christ and the cross to be known. i want to impact the world for Christ. and i am not saying that in a world peace, beauty pageant kind of way. i really do yearn to impact the WORLD for Christ. i want to go. i want to be the hands and feet of the church. i want to be the one that takes the gospel to the nations. there are the providers, the prayer warriors, the funders... and then there are the go-ers. im a goer. everything in me wants to go. i want to be an ambassador for Christ.
side 2: literally the complete opposite. i am so sick of the pressures on me from every place to be this put together, perfect, godly girl. i am sick of feeling like i can not waver in one step. i am sick of knowing that i am always being watched by so many people. half of which i dont even know. i am tired of every single little thing i do being known. im tired of being a leader. i get frustrated that im looked up to in some areas. im sick of it. im sick of having to do and not do certain things simply because of the expectations that other people have for me. i am unbelievably exhausted from having to take the high road and be the mature one. what if i dont want to be the mature one? what if i want to get mad- i mean really mad and yell at someone. i am only twenty freaking years old. honestly, a huge part of me just wants to say, screw it. im doing it my way and you can just get over it.
how different could those two people be? it just shows the desire to do good battling my ingrown sinful, selfish nature.
but, thats whats going on in my heart. part of me just wants to run to scripture an be encouraged by Gods word, but then when i do i decide i dont want to because i know thats what im expected to do and im sick of that.
thats why i want to get away. i want so badly to be on my own. where no one knows me, no one has a preconceived notion of who i am or what i am about. no one thinks they know what i like to do, and no one knows who or where or what i come from, and no one expects me to make certain decisions.... where im not known.
and i want to stand on my own. i want to be able to figure out who abby really is. i want to figure out what i am really all about, and what my deepest desires really are, and what my passions in life truly are. i want to make decisions- not because i know i should or because its whats expected of me- but because i made the decision. i thought on my own, prayed through it on my own, and decided for my self. i want to grow up. well- a better way to say it would be that i want to grow into my own self. without ANY outside pressure.
no expectations. just authenticity. just me and God and my heart. my heart and my head are in no way in sync right now... but its simply because my heart is pulling one way and my head is pulling the complete opposite. its like the ballet The Battle for Lucindas Heart. whos going to win?
the funny thing is, i know who has already won. im just in a difficult battle right now. a battle of self vs. self. how do you win in that one? and thats where my exhaustion comes from. im done. my logic is out the window. my compassion is pretty worn down. and i just want a break. a break from it all.