Sunday, April 29, 2012

a failure.

i am, basically, done with college in 2 days. i dont technically graduate till august, but my time here in auburn is done in 2 days. when i think back to THIS time, it is crazy that i am sitting here talking about actually being done.

i remember SO distinctly this one day sophomore year... i was at southern union and had just talked with some of my friends up at Wofford. they were telling me about a super fun night they had had a few nights before and how they missed me and wished i could have been there. then i went back to that HORRIBLE place, Cambridge (my first apt), and lost it. i cried and cried and cried. i mean, snot-nosed, fetal position, wailing type of cry. and i will never forget thinking 'no one here misses me. no one here even really knows im here. and if they do, unless they've had to leave a school and group of friends that they love, they will never be able to understand what is going on in my life. i am NEVER going to get out of here....' i remember it like it was yesterday.

and now... im here. im done. im leaving.

but... thats where the conflict inside sets in.

my whole life i have longed for this day to get here. i never have to do school again! i finally get to move on to what i have wanted to do my whole life! and i never have to take an pointless tests or do stupid projects or anything ever. again.

this point of my life though is not how i pictured it....

no one thinks of graduating college and then.... moving back home.

[now before i go any further, i want to be very clear on this - i only think this way in terms of me. i have a number of friends... MANY... who, after graduation moved back home. i think that is AWESOME for them. but this whole post is in terms of me, and strictly me. so please dont anyone read into anything or assume that i am speaking indirectly to people. im not. i am talking strictly in terms of me.]

my whole life i have dreamed about getting done with college so that i could finally be free to do whatever it is i wanted to do. if i wanted to be a movie star, i could. if i wanted to start a free camp for inner-city kids to come to and possibly board at, i could. if i wanted to move to India to labor among the Hindi there, i could. if i wanted to get married, i could. if i wanted to move to New York and pursue my obsession with all things hair, makeup, and fashion, then i could. but im finally to this idolized point in my life and i am doing none of those. i am simply moving back home.
and to me, i see myself as a failure.

in my eyes, i have let myself down. i have not made the most of my life. i have settled and copped-out and not been able to make it on my own.

i love my home. i absolutely adore my parents and each of my siblings. i want to be near home so i can be everyones favorite aunt. i want to KNOW my siblings and what is going on in their lives. i want to have my parents near me so that they can continue teaching me, guiding me, and pouring into me in all the incredible ways that they have. NONE of this has anything to do with my physical, biological, actual home. my home is literally my favorite place in this entire world. i could talk all day about the sounds i couldn't live without, the smell of it, the peace i feel the second i walk in the door, the life that those walls have seen... i could literally write for FOREVER about how much i love my home and how much i love being home.

i dont want to move back home because i dont want to move back to birmingham. i dont want to move back to the pressures that are at home. i dont want to move back somewhere that i feel constantly watched. always scrutinized under a magnifying glass. i dont want to move back to birmingham because there is SO MUCH PRESSURE. not from my family, but from what i like to call "the stands". you know... the people that sit in the stands at sporting events and every person that walks by they have a comment about? thats what birmingham is to me. me on a playing field and a multitude of "stands" around me, silently commenting on my every move.

so when i say "home" i mean birmingham, not my home.

that all being said, when you are a college graduate there is a MASSIVE difference in going at home and moving home.

this weekend, i went home. tuesday, i move home.

what happened to my dreams? what happened to taking the world by storm the second i get my degree? what happened to changing and saving lives? what happened to taking the Gospel to the people that have almost NO MEANS OF HEARING IT?! what happened? how did i get here?

did i misread part of Gods plan? did i make a wrong decision? where did i go wrong? where did i screw something up? where did i start messing up how awesome my life was supposed to be?

...isnt satan good at feeding lies?

this whole semester those feelings have been pushed down, ignored, deflected... and i finally decided to face them. why do i feel that way? i know its not true, so why am i believing them?

as i have tried to sort through all of this and why i am feeling this way, it has been almost funny. almost.

there is this sermon that Tim Keller preached called "The Blessed Self-Forgetfulness". if you have never listened to it- stop reading. RIGHT NOW. and go listen to it. it WILL change your walk with the Lord.

anyways, in it he askes (my paraphrasing) why when we close our eyes to imagine, that we only image things for ourselves in the way that glorifies our own selves the most... and its true. if yall got inside my head when i day dreamed... oh. my. gosh.

i save the world, i cure cancer, i adopt every orphan in the entire world, i am a famous movie star that is an amazing role model for girls all over the globe that has time to radically change the fashion industry in just 1 week....

those aren't really what i want to do. obviously. but i have always had this weird but VERY consistent and urging feeling that the Lord has something strangely perfect in store for me... but what i have realized is that i had began to idolize that feeling into a worldly understanding. I began thinking of that strangely perfect things in tangible terms instead of kingdom terms. i realized that i  want to go do big great things because i want people to think highly of me. i want people to think 'wow, she is doing big things! her family must be so proud!'. approval of man instead of God. why, abby, are you letting something as fleeting as a human dictate your joy?

and i have seen so. much. sin. in my thinking.

i KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Lord has me at home this summer... and probably this fall. i know that the Lord has so much in store to teach me. i know that i have already learned so much about humility and i am sure there is alot more on that subject to come. i KNOW that the Lord is for me and that he has plans of a HOPE and of a FUTURE!

i had allowed satan to feed me lies for too long. i allowed him to seep in and train my brain to think failure. failure. failure. you are nothing but a failure. HDFS? whats that? thats not a doctor. thats not a teacher. thats not even a a real major. thats just a stupid MRS degree that you dont even want. failure. you are nothing but a failure.

well, im done. im done allowing him to tell me that. im done being manipulated and i am done allowing myself to think that my Heavenly Father does not have a GOOD and PERFECT plan for my life.

will it be a fight? hell yes. it might be that i have to wake up every morning this summer and pound my head into my pillow and yell - GOD. IS. FOR. YOU. - but if so, then thats what ill do.

that blog post i referenced at the beginning is EXACTLY why i started blogging. because in that post, these were my same thoughts. people are going to think that i couldn't handle being that far from home, people are going to think that i couldn't make it at Wofford... mans approval... i have failed.

what i have learned from when i wrote all that till now is that God is faithful. there has yet to be a time in my life where i faced something hard and did not see the Lord use it for good. there has never. not once. been a time in my life when i could have questioned the Lords sovereignty.

so. to satan, to the silent commentators, to the pressures that i feel from the birmingham world, screw you.

like many of my posts end, i am fighting for joy during this time. i am choosing to fix my eyes on Jesus and his promises and begging Him to not allow my heart to wander.

i am SO looking forward to spending all this time with my two knuckle-heads of little brothers, i am pumped about getting alot of time with my niece and nephew, i am so excited about being around my parents wisdom for a solid 3 more months at the least, i am SO PUMPED to intern with Nations Outfitters and get to work under a woman as wise, godly, and driven as Mrs. Lisa-Ann, i am excited to be near Lindsey and Colby and learn from their marriage, I am excited about the possibility of going to visit Will, Christine and Baby Cunningham as they start the next chapter of their lives, I am really excited about finally being in the same city as Jake... I am genuinely excited about alot of things. and i am fianally at peace about moving back to birmingham. and i am so looking forward to all that the Lord will teach me....

"My foes are many
They rise against me
But I will hold my ground
I will not fear the war
I will not fear the storm
My help is on the way
My help is on the way

Oh, my God
He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear
His promise is true
My God will come through always
Always

Trouble surrounds me
Chaos abounding
My soul will rest in You
I will not fear the war
I will not fear the storm
My help is on the way
My help is on the way

I lift my eyes up
My help comes from the Lord"
      -Always , Passion City Band

abc.



Monday, April 23, 2012

QOTW.

i hope this is what all my nieces, nephews, kids, and grandkids say about me.
abc.

IM SO EXCITED.

this is what i feel like doing.
right now.
in the middle of the silent floor of the library.


so today has been..... AWESOME.

-i found out i will indeed, pass college!!!!!! i got a 73 on my Econ test and no, you do not have ANY idea what a massive deal this is.
- i have completely finished my 25 page paper for "my favorite class ever"
- i have also completely finished my MASSIVE life-folio, also for "my favorite class ever"
- i am done with MASSIVE project that i have for another class tomorrow that was A COMPLETE waste of time
- i get to see Jake in 10 days
- today was my LAST MONDAY OF SCHOOL EVER!!!!!!!!!!!
- and THIS is the biggest news of all, but im not sure if i am at liberty to disclose it yet, so i'll just keep you on the edge of your seat.

hope your Monday is this much of a funday!
abc.

Monday, April 2, 2012

no more pizza.

so for a long time now i have known that i am scatterbrained. im not a planner, which always keeps life interesting and fun, but also makes life stressful at times because i forget stuff ALL. THE. TIME.

i've been praying that the Lord would teach me discipline for a long time.... and i haven't seen that happen. but then i realized. just because i ask for cake doesn't mean im going to get it. if i really want it, sometimes you have to bake it. actually, usually you have to make it! unless its your birthday but that only happens once a year- so for analogies sake.. well that works perfect. sometimes you can pray for something and it will simply, happen. but alot of times, you have to pray for something but also do your part.

with the start of a new month i decided for the start to some lifestyle changes. this should be interesting...

i've been thinking about this since about mid-march. and so i started last week because i knew i couldn't just start everything yesterday.

i cleaned my car! trunk and all. now, if you have ever ridden in my car then you will understand what a big deal this is. and by clean i mean i vacuumed, scrubbed, threw away, dusted, washed, waxed, air-freshened and all!

i rearranged my room and then cleaned it and the bathroom. vacuumed, scrubbed, folded, hung, and more.

then i finished off all my bad-for-you food and cleaned out my parts of the fridge.

so when April 1st rolled around i was able to start the month with a clean car, clean room, and a fridge of healthy, yummy looking food!

my goal for the month is to keep this up. i want to be disciplined, so i am setting up my life to make myself accountable! we'll see how this goes....

my goal is to keep a clean car, clean room, eat paleo, and meet with the Lord in some way every day for the month of April. They say it only takes 21 days to make a habit... the way i see it, that gives me 10 extra days to make things concrete! i have a list taped to my mirror to be reminded every day. asking myself 6 simple things:

have i prayed, quite timed, exercised, ROAK-ed, eaten healthy, and laughed. simple enough, right?

dont misunderstand me though. as lofty as this whole thing is... i've already screwed up! i got up to eat breakfast and i saw the eggs and thought 'thats what you should eat' then i looked down a shelf and saw a mellow mushroom pizza box that i SWEAR had a halo around it. so i ate the pizza. I ATE PIZZA FOR BREAKFAST! ON DAY 2!!! but no worries. dinner was pecan crusted chicken and baked asparagus! heres to hoping tomorrow morning will be a win.

abc.

QOTW.

abc.