Friday, December 23, 2011

that one hurt.

(sorry about the spacing... don't know whats wrong...)
getting kicked in the butt is not a fun thing, especially when the Lord does it. because you just feel so stupid afterwards! i work for/blog for a company called Nations Outfitters and the title i was given to blog about this month is "Gratefulness"... oh. my. humility. it was a rough one.


its ironic to me that i am blogging on a blog that is all about the changing seasons that we encounter all around us. changing seasons of fashion, of life, of relationships, of actual seasons... the list goes on. this post is coming from a girl who is in the midst of one of those changes and cannot seem to find joy or gratefulness in it... well, until today. i am a senior in college, graduating soon with a degree in something that in no way inspires, ignites, or interests me, single, and wanting to do the Lords will but having NO. CLUE. what that is.

so, i am frustrated. im anxious. and i am having a hard time believing the truths that the Lord promises me.

" blessed be the name of God forever and ever, to whom belong wisdom and might.
He changes times and seasons;
he removes kings and sets up kings;
he gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to those who have understanding;
he reveals deep and hidden things;
he knows what is in the darkness and the light dwells with him

- Daniel 2:20-22

"when the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth,
for he will not speak on his own authority,
but whatever he hears he will speak, and he will declare to you the things that to come.
He will glorify me, for he will take what is mine an declare it to you..."
- John 16: 13-14

"trust in Him at all times, O people;
pour out your heart before Him;
God is a refuge for us"
- Psalm 62: 8

and the ever so popular and oh so comforting Jeremiah 29:11-14,

"for I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord,
plans for welfare and not for evil,
to give you a future and a hope.
then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you.
You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.
I will be found by you, declares the Lord..."

why? because...

"i have loved you with an everlasting love;
therefore i have continued my faithfulness to you..."
- Jeremiah 31:3

how can i be so quick to listen to the lies Satan feeds me instead of claiming the freedom that comes through Jesus Christ? how can i be so anxious and ungrateful when i have something this firm and unwavering to take hold of during times of uncertainty? it wasn't until i was reading today though that i got this FIRM kick in the booty.

all during this Christmas break i have tried to get in the word, i have listen to a fair number of sermons, i have prayed, i have balled my eyes out, i have pouted, i have taken my frustration out on the ones closest to me (namely, my sweet mom), and i have just been plain grumpy. i had not a speck of perspective, of gratitude, of humility, or of trust because i am freaking out about all the uncertainty's in my life.

i am reading the Chronicles of Narnia and am on the 3rd book right now, "The Horse and His Boy" and in reading it today, all of this finally hit me.... (the back story is too long to tell so you should just go read all the books. if anything will get you excited for Jesus coming back, these books will.)

"dont you think it was bad luck to meet so many lions?" said Shasta.

"there was only one lion," said the Voice

"what on earth do you mean? i've just told you there were at least two the first night, and-"

"there was only one: but he was swift on foot."

"how do you know?"

"I was the lion." and Shasta gaped with open mouth and said nothing, the Voice continued."I was the lion who forced you to join with Aravis. I was the cat who comforted you among the houses of the dead. I was the lion who drove the jackals from you while you slept. I was the lion who gave the Horses the new strength of fear for the last mile so that you should reach King Lune in time. And I was the lion you do not remember who pushed the boat in which you lay, a child near death, so that it came to shore where a man sat, wakeful at midnight, to receive you."

"then it was you who wounded Aravis?"

"it was I."

"but what for?"

"Child," said the Voice, "I am telling you your story, not hers. I tell no one any story but his own."

"who are you?" asked Shasta.

"Myself," said the Voice, very deep and very low so that the earth shook: and again, "Myself," loud and clear and gay: and then the third time "Myself", whispered so softly you could hardly hear it, and yet it seemed to come from all round you as if the leaves rustled with it.

- Chronicles of Narnia, C. S. Lewis

i was sitting there, reading that, and slowly began to just cry.... i pictured myself as the ignorant Shasta. on this journey, that has been hard- not what he thought it would be- but he keeps going because he knows of Narnia. He has never experienced Narnia, but all that he was made for is longing desperately for Narnia. i am the same.

the Lion spoke to Shasta- telling him of the provision, the comfort, the guidance, the protection, the strength, and the intentionally that he has been giving freely to Shasta since the day he was born. i am the same.

and after hearing all this, all Shasta can see is the bad! why did the Lion hurt his friend?! i am the same. why did the Lion hurt my pride? hurt my own plans?

and the Lion calls him Child. i am the same.

and my favorite is when Shasta asks who he is, the Lion says Myself, Myself, Myself... Myself - God - the voice that causes the earth to shake. Myself - Jesus - who "makes known to me the path of life" loud and clear and joyfully. and Myself - Holy Spirit - who whispers so softly you can hardly hear it, yet so certainly that things are moved by it.

gratefulness? that doesn't even begin to describe it. but its a start. this Christmas season, and really every day for that matter, lets pray for grateful hearts. thanking our Father who is both a Lion and a Lamb. who speaks clearly and whispers softly. who causes fear/pain/hard times to spur us on. who provides those pushes to safety that we are unaware of. who protects us even while we sleep. who comforts us in this dying world. and who died for us because of His great love for us.

here is the link to the blog - i highly recommend you check out all the writers and


Thursday, December 15, 2011

i think i'll go...

this christmas break has been filled with thinking.
thinking about serious things and thinking about dream-ish things....

i am pretty certain my google search bar thinks that i am psychotic.
if you look at my past search history it will read:

- jobs in Denver, CO
- Grad schools for education
- fashion jobs in L.A.
- Apt costs in Jackson Hole, WY
- Campus Outreach
- photography internships
- YWAM international
- Journeymen IMB
- culinary schools in Chicago

those are all on the same track.... right?


Tuesday, December 13, 2011


oh michael scott, how i miss you.

Thursday, December 8, 2011


this has been one of the biggest blessings in my life this semester and has been a window to see the Lord specifically answer my prayers about community, evangelism, and an on-going understanding of His call on my life.

im so glad that Beth Anne made this video so that you could all get a glimpse into the incredible community that is here at Auburn.


Tuesday, December 6, 2011



Monday, December 5, 2011



Saturday, December 3, 2011

all i need.

today, this is all i need. forever, this is what i need...

"For our boast is this, the testimony of our conscience, that we behaved in the world with simplicity and godly sincerity, not by earthly wisdom but by the grace of God, and supremely so toward you...
Because I was sure of this, I wanted to come to you first,
so that you might have a second experience of grace.
I wanted to visit you on my way to Macedonia, and to come back to you from Macedonia and have you send me on my way to Judea. Was I vacillating when I wanted to do this?
Do I make my plans according to the flesh, ready to say “Yes, yes” and “No, no” at the same time?
As surely as God is faithful, our word to you has not been Yes and No. For the Son of God, Jesus Christ, whom we proclaimed among you, Silvanus and Timothy and I, was not Yes and No, but in him it is always Yes.
For all the promises of God find their Yes in him.
That is why it is through him that we utter our Amen to God for his glory.
And it is God who establishes us with you in Christ, and has anointed us, and who has also put his seal on us and given us his Spirit in our hearts as a guarantee.
But I call God to witness against me—it was to spare you that I refrained from coming again to Corinth. Not that we lord it over your faith, but we work with you for your joy, for you stand firm in your faith.
(2 Corinthians 1:12-24 ESV)


"'Therefore the LORD waits to be gracious to you,
and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you.
For the LORD is a God of justice;
blessed are all those who wait for him.'

For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem; you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you.
And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction,
yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying,
“This is the way, walk in it,”
when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left.
Then you will defile your carved idols overlaid with silver and your gold-plated metal images. You will scatter them as unclean things. You will say to them, “Be gone!”
And he will give rain for the seed with which you sow the ground, and bread, the produce of the ground, which will be rich and plenteous.
In that day your livestock will graze in large pastures, and the oxen and the donkeys that work the ground will eat seasoned fodder, which has been winnowed with shovel and fork.
And on every lofty mountain and every high hill there will be brooks running with water, in the day of the great slaughter, when the towers fall. Moreover, the light of the moon will be as the light of the sun, and the light of the sun will be sevenfold, as the light of seven days, in the day when the LORD binds up the brokenness of his people, and heals the wounds inflicted by his blow."

(Isaiah 30:18-26 ESV)

words cannot explain the sweetness of those words. the Lord is abundantly faithful.


Monday, November 28, 2011


i think this nails the importance of evangelism and the baffling power of Gods grace.


( PS: i think i would pay a million dollars for this bracelet. maybe more...seriously)

Sunday, November 27, 2011

this side of Heaven.

im reading this book called "the knowledge of the Holy" by A.W.Tozer... its pretty far over my head, so even though i started it at the beginning of this semester, i am only on chapter 7. just to give you a little perspective- the chapters are all 4 pages long.

recently, there has been so. much. going on in my life that has just been cumulating to a mass of frustration. things that im not really going to write about, but that have been a mixture of maddening, exciting, annoying, frustrating, mysterious, pin-pointing, stressful, revealing, and confusing. and when you have a couple things happen, close together, that leave you with those same emotions.... its like a volcano of emotions just waiting to erupt.

so, knowing myself and how i deal with my emotions, i've been begging the Lord to give me clarity on what he is trying to teach me right now and to find joy in all this as opposed to get pissed off and shut down like i sometimes usually do...

so the chapter that i read today was such a comfort, but also such a frustration. more so of a comfort though. its titled the Eternity of God. in it Tozier says,

"We who live in this nervous age would be wise to meditate on our lives and our days long and often before the face of God on the edge of eternity. For we are made for eternity as certainly as we are made for time, and as responsible moral beings we must deal with both... 'He hath set eternity in their hearts', said the preacher, and i think he here sets forth both glory and the misery of men. to be made for eternity and forced to dwell in time is for mankind a tragedy of huge proportions. all within us cries for life and permanence, and everything around us reminds us of mortality and change. yet that God has made us of the stuff of eternity is both a glory yet to be realized and a prophecy yet to be fulfilled...."

i love that i serve a loving Savior that knows my life. that knows my beginning. that knows my end. and that knows all that is in between. i love that knowing all that would be in between, he hung on a cross so that when my end comes- it would be a joyful day. i really do love that....


i really dont like that. i really dont like that he knows my future and doesn't make certain things clear to me. i really dont like that he knew my future when i was in the past and still allowed certain things to happen. i really dont like that he knows things about me that i dont even know about myself. sometimes i feel like he is keeping my own secrets from me. i really dont like that...

earlier in the chapter Tozier spoke of Moses when he was writing Psalm 90 and how "in it he celebrates the eternity of God. to him, this truth is a solid theological fact..."

Psalm 90: 12-17 has, unknowingly, been my prayer over the past few weeks. maybe even months....

"So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom...
Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love,
that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.
Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,
and for as many years as we have seen evil.
Let your work be shown to your servants,
and your glorious power to their children.
Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us,
and establish the work of our hands upon us;
yes, establish the work of our hands!
- Psalm 90: 12-17

teach us to number our days..... so- teach me to live with eternity on my heart. knowing that the things of this world or temporary. important, but temporary. understanding that my frustration is in the flawed perfection that my soul knows it craves. the Lord has "made [me] of the stuff of eternity" so my soul longs for perfect communion with him that isn't going to come this side of heaven...

i dont really know where all this leaves me. maybe more confused than when i sat down. but also more encouraged and, maybe, not alot, but a little less frustrated than when i sat down too.


Wednesday, November 23, 2011

who wouldn't want to come home?

i got to take ellie jane on a date last week to eat at moes, get her nails done, eat ice cream, and then play chase in the leaves.. oh my gosh it was so fun! (please excuse my obnoxious voice ha)

Ellie Jane playing her favorite game with Grandaddy...

if you ask john a question he replies with THE. CUTEST. "i dont know"...

who wouldn't want to come home to this?! i love these little stinkers so much!
there are more videos coming, so stay tuned!


meatballs and pinterest.

this whole semester me and some of my international friends have been wanting to get together and cook authentic "where you came from" meals. so, last week we started with Turkey! my sweet friend Burcu (i call her "B" because i cannot pronounce her name correctly ha) came and cooked us a DELICIOUS* meal! it is her mom's secret recipe and is SO GOOD.

i loved getting to watch the different techniques and ingredients that they use!

this is Mika (on the Left) and she is from Japan, and the Burcu (on the Right) who is from Turkey!

while we were eating, they started asking questions about american weddings and engagement rings. they did not understand why the engagement ring was such a big deal... Mika asked "so, american girls, you marry for ring? not man?" i laughed pretty hard, because sadly... sometimes i think girls idolize the actual wedding so much that they look over big flags in the relationship.

we had so much fun explaining the wedding process from each of our countries together. they wanted to see pictures.... so OF COURSE i pulled up pintrest (maybe a greater procrastination tool than facebook) and showed them pin-board after pin-board of wedding stuff. they LOVED it and i am proud to say that there are now 2 more pinners in this world :)

i am so unbelievably thankful for these two! we also had 2 other friends come over, but by then we were having so much fun hanging out, that we forgot to take pictures!

Burcu is coming with my family for thanksgiving and will be in for quite the surprise... we are headed to good ole Carbon Hill for the day and she is in for a big taste of southern cookin' and country livin'!! pictures to come for. sure.


Thursday, November 17, 2011



Tuesday, November 15, 2011

thank goodness.

you know how sometimes you just need to get away and clear your head? well, one of the (numerous) perks of college is.... you can. so, i did. i called up a good friend, grabbed my precious baby angle a.k.a my camera, and hit the road...

this is my favorite one... the fact that it was raining only added to my perfect get away. it made the music playing just that much better...

after we left our friendly little cows, we were driving and stumbled across this glorious little hide away that we will MOST DEFINITELY be visiting again!

and, HOLY ANALOGIES my head was spinning.

i love shooting with people that get the whole analogies side of things. we had so many awesome talks as we were taking pictures about why we love each one we took and what we were thinking about each one... i love it when someone else just gets it.

we wrapped the night up at my sweet Aunt BeBe's house, in rocking chairs, eating some homemade chili, listening to the rain and just relaxing. seriously the most perfect thing i could have asked for!

i am so thankful for so many things. for my awesome parents and their wisdom, my legit friends and their love, my rockstar of a family and their support, my bad-a camera and its perfection, my itunes and its soothingness (because yes, thats a word), and my apartment for its hominess. and so, so, so, soooo much more.


Monday, November 14, 2011

get. in. my. belly.

to wrap up the end of our semester, my bible-study girls came over and we had a thanksgiving/christmas party! and every person in the world needs to make these... they are to. die. for.

here is the recipe. i recommend cooking it with friends, for some reason it made them even better!

of course we had to get in the christmas spirit with a little bieber christmas fever!

so i copped out on the feel-super-domestic-and-make-everything-from-scratch thing and bought pre-made cream cheese frosting... SO GOOD.

they were so pretty! even without the frosting!

but O.M.G. with the frosting, they are heavenly!

like i said, they seem to taste better when made with friends, so i highly recommend you get some friends, get some mix, and get some music, and get cookin'!



i want to do what im made for...

Thursday, November 10, 2011


there are so many things i would rather be doing, or rather be at than here....

how nice would it be to be sitting on that porch, cuddled up in a quilt, sippin' on some hot chocolate with my family all around?

sounds pretty nice, right? i don't know if its because im sitting in a coffee shop, pretty cold, and listening to bon iver that im wanting to do this even more than normal, but it just sounds like it would be a litte break of heaven....

this semester i have felt SO over committed. and i have been. i like to think that i am invincible, that i can help everyone and that i need no help. i also like to think that i can do anything and everything that i want to do and need to do and do it all well.

but, even though i already knew that i cant do any of that, i still try. and this semester, i really did myself in... living in that way only breeds a greater want for dependence on someone or something - which then makes me try to be independent ever more and the cycle just keeps going....

i think i finally reached my breaking point. or, the Lord finally humbled me and showed me how everything about that excludes him, and i am now left wanting dependency more than ever before. but because i have no extended period of time, i cant fulfill that craving for dependency with quality time with Jesus so i feel like i keep looking for it in all these other things and so that brought me to this breaking point... and i dont know if its apathy, or defensiveness, or what that im feeling.... i just know im ready for a good, long, break.

i am so looking forward to this christmas break to just, simply, be. to spend time, i mean quality time, with my family. to relax. to enjoy just being. not worrying about being "on" or about responsibilities, or meetings, or dinners, or paperwork, or giving rides, or having to schedule every meal with different people, or trying to use every last second of the day so that the next day wont be as stressful even though i know, inevitably, it will be....

but the funny thing is, after about 3 days of that over christmas break, i know ill be sick of relaxing, and ill be DYING to be busy again. i will be trying to figure out friends i could grab a meal with, ill be doing everything i can to be in the midst of hecticness and chaos because i love it.

so thinking about a whole month of a break has brought me to some funny questions about myself. questions that i dont really even know how to word, because i dont really know what im trying to ask. i've just recently come across so many paradoxical things in my way of thinking and its been fascinating...

lately, as in the last 3ish months, i have been wanting to go on a sabbatical of some sort. all on my own. anywhere. just to pack the bare essentials and go. there are so. many. things. going on in my head and my heart that i cannot, for the life of me, figure out. and it just seems like it makes since to get away. to get away from every influence surrounding me, and sometimes i feel like suffocating me, and just... i dont know.... figure me out.

oh what i would give to be in that jeep, bon iver blaring, chunky scarf on, camera in hand, cell phone off, with those mountains in sight, knowing i was about to spend some much needed time with Jesus, my bible, my journal, and myself....

figuring yourself out is a strange thing. everyone wants to figure themselves out, but you know you will never be able to since you are always changing, but you still do everything you can. you try to put it in words, you try to talk it through... and right when you think you have it- life throws a curve ball and changes you, maybe a big change and maybe a small change, but a change happens because life happened. and then your left back at square one, wondering....

who am i? how did i get here? am i who i want to be? am i doing what i want most to be doing?


Wednesday, November 9, 2011

you wont regret watching this.

read. this.

as we go into the thanksgiving and christmas season, i think that this is something everyone should do. think if you were on the receiving end of this.... how much better would it make your day? and, better yet, what if you were on the giving end of this? how joyful would you feel knowing you put a huge, grateful smile on someone elsesface? i wish this wasn't something that we had to THINK to do, but that we just did.... something to think about.


Tuesday, November 8, 2011



Monday, November 7, 2011

LOL-ing. for real.

(and for those of you ole folks who read this blog.... this is what it it referencing:)

Happy Mondougie!!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011


(i wish this quote was set on a more aesthetically appealing background.. but whatever.)

makes ya think, doesn't it?

Sunday, October 30, 2011

give me sight, o savior.

"Give me a sight O Saviour
Of Thy wondrous love to me
Of the love that brought Thee down to earth
To die on Calvary

O make me understand it
Help me to take it in
What it meant to Thee,
the Holy One
To bear away my sin

"Was it the nails O Saviour
That bound Thee to the tree
No 'twas Thine everlasting love
Thy love for me, for me

O wonder of all wonders
That through Thy death for me
My open sins, my secret sins
Can all forgiven be

Then melt my heart O Saviour
Bend me and break me down
Until I own Thee Conqueror
and Lord and Sovereign Crown."

- give me a sight o savior



such a beautiful song. such an awesome musician. such perfect study music.


Thursday, October 27, 2011



Wednesday, October 26, 2011

get out of my way.

do you ever get swamped with stuff so you start making list after list to manage getting it all done? well, i dont usually, but these next few weeks i am... starting yesterday. i came to the library tonight with 5 very specific things i was going to get done. i was going to come, get them done as efficiently as i could, then get the heck out of here.

then, the Holy Spirit got in my way.

i was leaving the computer with a stack of papers (freshly hole-punched and stapled mind you) in my hands, b-lining it for the 4th floor to the quiet zone. i have an outline to get done, so people you betta move outta my way.

as i was briskly walking off, i hear someone call my name. i turn around and put on my best stressed-out-so-stay-away face and say oh. hey.

they dont take the hint and precede to tell me about an incredible conversation they had with one of their muslim friends the night before. the whole time they are talking, all i can think about is 'would you take 5 seconds and realize that i have things to do and dont give a crap about what you are saying right now?!'

and then.... boom. conviction central.

i never want to get so consumed with my check list, my pointless, stupid, to-do list that i see the Holy Spirit as an inconvenience to my day.

i began to pray that the Lord would give me the ability to, for once in my life, compartmentalize and block out my list of things that i had to do, and listen to my friend as they poured out their heart.

the Lord is so sweet. what encouragement, what challenges they presented me with, and what light was shown to me in those 10 min. the Lord interrupted my day, and though i begged for Him to get out of the way, He, in His great goodness, showed me more of Himself and gave me a sweet reminder of how powerful the Gospel is.

i am so thankful that the Gospel is good news.


Tuesday, October 25, 2011

heart vomit.

i came to study hours with the sole intent of starting a huge paper that i have next tuesday. but, somehow, every time i try to put on my studious hat, my writing hat wants to come out and is clearly more appealing than my studious hat.

this past week and a half there have been a million and one things that i have wanted to write about. to get out of my system and process in some form or fashion. but because of that frustrating thing called TIME i have not had the chance. instead, i resolved to jotting down little one-liners in my phone to remind me to write about them late. the problem is - that initial inspirational burst is way past and its just not as good as it would have been if i could have just written it then.
here is just a little taste of it...


"the Lord can do more in your waiting than I could ever do in my doing..." how does this transfer to my own life? am i doing or am i waiting?

"in His presence there is FULNESS of joy"... my joy is circumstantial because my love for him is circumstantial.

if she only knew what she was singing. Lord, make these words the song of her soul. i pray, Father, that she would yearn.

(in chronological order as i am reading a chapter in the first book of The Chronicles of Narnia)
Chapter 9 sounds like what i hope heaven would be like.
im smiling in my seat thinking of this beautiful place.
hallelujah by brandi carlile comes on my ipod... how fitting.


i wish that i could give you a play by play word of all the life that is in these short lines. the Lord has been showing me so much. my fingers have literally been aching to sort through my brain and my heart...

i took one of my international friends to a concert. she is a different religion that me and i have absolutely loved getting to know her and hear all about her life. i think hearing her talk about and explain her religion is fascinating, intriguing, heart-wrenching, and thought provoking all at the same time. thoughts that i had in thailand come rushing back like they never went away... why me? God, why did you chose me? why do i get to know you and so many others do not? what would it be like NOT KNOWING anything different? would anyone ever tell me?

on the way to the concert we talk and i play some Shane&Shane to get her familiar with the band even though i only had like... 3 songs of theirs. she said she understands some of the words but not much else.

we had been in the concert around an hour, the whole time i was more nervous about if she was having fun than even really listening to the music itself. she acted like she was playing the drums in a very discrete way so i lean over and ask her if she plays.. and haha she got kind of embarrassed and said she has always wanted to play... i want to buy her a drum for christmas so bad... Shane&Shane starts playing this song and about half way through it, i hear my sweet Turkish friend singing along. so, i turn, clearly very surprised and asked how she knew the song and she simply replied 'i do not know. these words... they just came to me'

"Lord i want to yearn for You/
i want to burn with passion over You/
and only You/
Lord i want to yearn"

trigger the water works. oh that she would know what it means to BURN with passion for the Lord.

on the way back i asked her about the song and if she still remembered the words. she said the only ones she could remember were 'i want to yearn for you'. so we began to talk about what it means to yearn for something. and then it hit me... im sitting here praying for her to yearn for the Lord, but do i? do i even do what i am praying God would begin doing in others lives. am i being so prideful that i miss the lessons he is trying to teach me through other people. am i so intent on helping someone in their "weakness" that i cant see my own?

why is my joy circumstantial? i get so frustrated that i'm that girl with the curl. you know...

"there once was a girl, who had a little curl, right in the middle of her forehead.
and when she was good she was very, very good.
but when she was bad, she was awful."

thats me. when im good, i. am. GOOD. but, when i am down, or sad, or frustrated, or overwhelmed.... i. am. AWEFUL. (ask my mom. she can tell you first hand!) and as i have though over the things i wrote in THIS blog post a few weeks ago, i slowly began to a realization that i did not want to admit to...

it's because my joy in Christ, more so, my LOVE for Christ is circumstantial.

how unchristianly does that sound?! who wants to admit that they dont LOVE Jesus all the time? not me. but, if i did, doubt, anger, frustration, and cynicism would not be seeping out of my heart.

i want my love for Christ to be as unconditional, un-circumstantial, and un-expectant as the Lords love for me is. He loves me under no conditions, no specific circumstances, and no expectations. it is pure love at its truest form. i want that. i want to give that. and i beg that the Lord keep revealing these nasty crevices in my heart that i like to burry my sin in.


i leave the one of the most boring classes ever, stressed to the max about school and all the last minuet details for our social tonight. thinking... i just want to escape. for 10 min, i just want to not think about any of this crap. so, i go to the student center, find a chair in a corner where no one will see me and thus interrupt me, put in head phones, and open up The Chronicles of Narnia. i keep turning pages and slowly begin getting sucked out of this world to another one. becoming the characters themselves. my heart speeding up a little as i jump into a pool that leads to another world... and then i come to the most magical and refreshing words i have read in a long time....

"Far away, and down near the horizon, they sky began to turn grey. A light wind, very fresh, began to stir. The sky, in that one place, grew slowly and steadily paler. you could see shapes of hills standing up dark against it. all the time the Voice went on singing... the Cabby and the two children had open mouths and shining eyes; they were drinking in the sound, and they looked as if it reminded them of something... the eastern sky changed from white to pink and from pink to gold. the Voice rose and rose, till all the air was shaking with it. and just as it swelled to mightiest and most glorious sound it had yet produced, the sun arose..."

i stop here and realize im smiling as i read this. for some reason, all the stress of everything going on in my life had completely gone away and i caught this thought racing across my mind... i think this is what i hope heaven is like. it sounds magical, peaceful, and powerful... i look down and keep reading..

"[the sun] you could imagine that it laughed for joy as it came up. and as its beams shot across the land the travelers could see for the first time what sort of place they were in...the earth was of many colors: they were fresh, hot and vivid. they made you feel excited; until you saw the Singer himself, and then you forgot everything else. it was a Lion..."
- The Chronicles of Narnia, C.S. Lewis

if that doesn't get you jacked up for Heaven, i dont know what will. being in the full presence of Jesus. where there is FULNESS of joy. and the complete absence of anything evil. what an unfathomable day that will be!


sadly, right as i got to that part of the book, my alarm went off, reminding me to go to THE most boring class ever. literally, THE MOST BORING. ever.

but, i went in a totally different way than i was before sitting down and escaping this world for a little while. i went having been momentarily reminded of why i am here. why i am in these boring classes. why i am breathing air in and out as i type right now.

i went knowing that i am living in this temporary world. full of evil witches, traps, and temptations. and though it can be as cold as a place that has not experienced the warmth of the sun in centuries, i cling to the promise that Aslan is on the move.

i live in light of the future glory. the hope to come. and i find joy - uncircumstantial joy - in the knowledge that my Father has sent Mr. and Mrs. beavers', Mr. Thomas's, special weapons, and brothers and sisters to fight through this temporary world with me.

so i left that table with a challenge...

am i fighting to get by, or am i fighting in light of my King?


Wednesday, October 19, 2011

its the most wonderful time of the year.

its fall y'all! does it get any better than this? no, i dont think that it does.

cozy, outdoors, crackling fires, s'mores, colorful, wool socks, scarves, boots, big coats, fuzzy blankets, bonding time with friends, seeing your breath, crispness, smiles, hot chocolate, movie nights, down vests, mountains, layering, flannel, quilts, soup and stew, snuggling....

think about it... all these things are what people think of when they think of fall. and that is a beautiful thing.

easily my most favoritest season of all.


sometimes i get legitimately frustrated with picking the QOTW. it can be extremely difficult to decide which quote best encompasses how you feel or what youre thinking... so this was the winner of a toss up between 3 others. because, lets be real... it just kinda puts a smile on your face!

happy hump day!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

it just aint my thang.

this is how i have felt all week...
(ps. how PRECIOUS is this picture!? so. much. joy.)
you know how some people are like 'ya, im just not a school person...'? well, they dont know what they are talking about. i, i am NOT a school person. i just want to hang out with people and love on people all day. let me just tell you how much i LOVE not having school work to do! this has been the most phenomenal week because i have had NO SCHOOL WORK to stress about! i. love. it.

i have gotten to sit and enjoy lunch with some awesome friends and not worry about looking over notes, i have gotten to go watch wedding crashers and modern family while stuffing my face with cookies only then to head to the river with some friends and go midnight swimming (yes, i think i might have gotten hypothermia... totally worth it), i have gotten to run because i wanted to and not because if i didn't i would literally go insane, i have gotten to wake up when i want and cook breakfast, drink my coffee in my pj's and spend time with Jesus, i have gotten to go thrifting, AND i have gotten to skype with some pretty baller people.

that is a whole paragraph of awesomeness that doesn't get to happen when school does. so, i have a proposition! there should be 1 week every month where college is college, but with no school. i know, i know... CRAZY! but, just think about it for a bit and then get back to me. i really think we are on to something here!


Monday, October 10, 2011



Monday, October 3, 2011

waa waa waaaaaa.

i wish i could trade places with that screaming baby right now so that it wouldn't be completely dramatic to start balling my eyes out wailing at the top of my lungs.

just hear me out...
5 tests is WAY too much for 1 week
9 chapters is WAY too much for 1 test
and 7 hours is WAY too long for this 1 girl to sit still.

on a brighter note, books a millions playlist is ballin and their chi tea latte is deeelish.

happy monday!

Thursday, September 29, 2011


"Some people want to live within the sound of a chapel bell;
I want to live in a rescue mission one yard from the gates of hell."
- C.T. Studd

what a studd.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011


what does it really mean to wait on the Lord?

sitting in class, i could not be more checked out. i try to listen at the beginning, with every intention of listening all the way through class. but, the teacher says one word and its like a trigger goes off...

...oh ya i do need to fill out that paper. crap! i still have all that stuff for the social next month. what day is it on.... ummm the 28th i think. or is that the wheel chair race thing? gah i cant remember. no the wheel chair thing is.... i wonder how Pbaan is doing. i have not been faithful about praying for her like i should. i wonder if she is struggling.... did i have my quiet time this morning? i think... no that was yesterday. dang it i need to do that when i get back but i have that meeting about grad school. should i go to grad school? i hate school so why would i waste my time. no.... i know i need to be logical and realistic about this. if i dont go to grad school what would i do? i need to plan out at least this next year since i have nothing. i cant bank on marriage like half my friends are... Lord is my Issac even out there? how am i supposed to know its whoever it is? ...ohhh i have to get a date for the social next month. who the heck am i supposed to take? ugh and i have to get that certificate of liability from the bar this week so its not late like last time.... wait what is he talking about...

and then i try to snap back into it and listen to the teacher, but 5 minuets later and the same thing happens. i am so sidetrack by the things that, in my head, are so much more important than what is going on in my classes. as i have talked to older people about the phase of life i am in, they keep saying relax, just trust God... wait on the Lord... enjoy where you are at!

are you kidding me?! i have never been more confused about what i should do in my life. how am i supposed to just sit and relax? i filled out the application for my diploma today and started tearing up. half because i am SO EXCITED i can barely contain it, and half because i am absolutely FREAKING OUT because i dont know what is coming next.

no, i dont know where i will be a year from now. no i dont know who i am going to marry. no i dont know where i feel the Lord is calling me. i dont know. i just dont know. but, according to seemingly everyone else, i should.

so what does it mean to trust the Lord when the inevitable is approaching and the time is coming when i have to make decisions. what does it mean to wait on the Lord when there is dead line after dead line after dead line? God, i need to here from you NOW... my heart is screaming.

JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME! i'll do it, i'll go there, i'll be that.. just tell me. please.

this is the place my heart is at and it is making me so apathetic to everything else. i am constantly stressed out. always anxious. and i feel like at any minuet i am just going to snap on someone.

"He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?"
Romans 8:32

"The king's heart is a stream of water in the hand of the LORD; he turns it wherever he will.
Proverbs 21:1

"...but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary;they shall walk and not faint..."
Isaiah 40:31

"Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!"
Psalm 27:14

"The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps."
Proverbs 16:9

i am so frustrated in my walk with the Lord because i am praying that God would show me his will. that he would make known to be the path that HE has set in place for me. i am asking that he do with my life what he wants. so i would think that he would be excited about that and thus show me what it is he wants from me so that i can begin in the direction he has for me.

but do you hear the stupidity in my thinking? its kind of embarrassing to even write it out. to think that because i am doing ____ God owes me _____. but that is what my sinful heart wants! i dont know how to fight that thinking...

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen..."
Hebrews 11:1

as this whole processes has clearly brought out alot of sin in my heart, it is now my prayer that instead of God giving me the gratification of immediacy, that instead, he would continue in not showing me. it is my prayer, pretty hesitantly, that God, in his great faithfulness, would continue teaching me what it means to walk by FAITH and not by sight.

this is where the rubber meets the road of everything that i have written on this blog since college started. i've said that i believe in Gods sovereignty, i have said that i trust his good and perfect plan, i have said that i am done asking why when hardships come because he has proven himself faithful to me, i have said that i give all of me to Him.... but now.. will i?

will i fully surrender not just my will for my future, but my actual future? i am desperitley clinging to these verses as i fight and pray that God open my clinched fists on my future...

"Therefore, having this ministry by the mercy of God, we do not lose heart. But we have renounced disgraceful, underhanded ways.
We refuse to practice cunning or to tamper with God's word, but by the open statement of the truth we would commend ourselves to everyone's conscience in the sight of God.
And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing.
In their case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.
For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake.
For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.
We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed;
perplexed, but not driven to despair;
persecuted, but not forsaken;
struck down, but not destroyed;
always carrying in the body the death of Jesus,
so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.
For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake,
so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.
So death is at work in us, but life in you.

Since we have the same spirit of faith according to what has been written, “I believed, and so I spoke,” we also believe, and so we also speak, knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence. For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God.

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."
2 Corinthians 4

why is my faith so little when my God is so big? i want my life to be lived in hope of the eternal things unseen. draw me close to you, Father. keep growing me and maturing me. keep breaking me and molding me. i know that no good thing do you withhold....