Monday, August 23, 2010

(păr'ə-dŏks').

par·a·dox n.
  1. A seemingly contradictory statement that may nonetheless be true
  2. One exhibiting inexplicable or contradictory aspects:
  3. An assertion that is essentially self-contradictory, though based on a valid deduction from acceptable premises.
  4. A statement contrary to received opinion.

i love the paradox in this picture. to me, it perfectly captures the way i feel i am. in this picture, from one root, there are two things growing- something alive, and something dead. both the same origin, just one is fed and one isn't.

recently i have become more and more aware of my sin and the way it takes me over. i have this burning desire to do the will of my Father, but i have this part of me that wants so badly to rebel against everything i know i am called to.

"What then shall we say? that the law is sin? by no means!
yet if it had not been for the law, i would not have known sin...
for apart from the law, sin lies dead. i once was alive apart from the law,
but when the commandment came, sin came alive and i died.
the very commandment that promised life proved to be death to me.
for sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment, deceived me
and through it, killed me... did that which is good, then, bring death to me?
BY NO MEANS! it was sin, producing sin in me through what is good,
in order that sin might be shown to be sin, and through the commandment might become sinful beyond measure... for i do not understand my own actions.
for i do not do what i want, but i do the very thing i hate...
for i have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out...
so i find it to be a law that when i want to do right, evil lies close at hand.
For i delight in the law of God, in my inner being,
but i see in my member another law WAGING WAR against the law of my mind
and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members...
There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus!"

Romans 7:7-8:1

romans is one of my favorite books of the bible. these truths are so evident in my life... how can something as beautiful as Christ dwell in me, and at the same time, something as hideous as sin be constantly making habitations in my heart and soul?

its hard for me not to dwell on this. i get frustrated with the Lord alot because to me, if i am asking for a good thing, why would he not want that for me? if i am asking for sin to be dealt with and for Him to sanctify me- to make me clean- why would He continue to allow sin to manifest in me? and in this questioning is where satan creeps in and plants the lie in my heart that my Father is withholding something from me....

"who shall separate us from the love of Christ?
shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? ...NO, in all these things we are more than conquerors
through Him who loved us!
for i am SURE that neither death nor life,
nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come,
nor powers, nor height nor depth,
nor anything else in all creation,
will be able to separate us from the love of God
in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:35-39

and then i am reminded of this- and all my doubt, questioning, frustration.... subsides. my God is stronger. if none of those things can separate me from His love, then no amount of my filth can either. because by Gods grace alone i am covered. and i love that paradox.

despite the filth that takes over my soul so many times a day, i am seen as beautiful and clean. perfect and pure. i am desired by my Father. it amazes me that He is still perusing my heart. i want to daily surrender to a God like that. i want to give all that i am to a ministry that clearly proclaims the beauty of Christ. i want to live a life that demonstrates this paradoxel faith-

that through death, there is immense life.

abc.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

o love that will not let me go .

"O Love that will not let me go,

I rest my weary soul in thee;
I give thee back the life I owe,
That in thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.

O light that followest all my way,
I yield my flickering torch to thee;
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in thy sunshine’s blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be.

O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.

O Cross that liftest up my head,
I dare not ask to fly from thee;
I lay in dust life’s glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be."

i love just thinking and meditating over these words. they are so powerful and true. happy sunday!

abc.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

9 lives?


i've decided i need 9 trillion lives to do everything i want to do or be everything i want to be. but i only have 1.... so you tube and pictures will have to suffice.

i want to be able to DANCE... like REALLY dance.
i want to be a traveling PHOTOGRAPHER
i want to be a MAKEUP-ARTIST
i want to be a MUSICIAN
i want to be a crime scene INVESTIGATOR (specifically abby... the character)
i want to be on BROADWAY
i want to go SKYDIVING in Ireland
i want to paint a picture of the GRAND CANYON.... a picture that i took..
so i want to go to the grad canyon
i want to HITCHHIKE somewhere... haven't decided where yet
(haha that was for those who are actually still looking at the links...)
i want to BACKPACK across Europe
i want to go to INDIA... so bad.
i want a HUSKY
i want to be on the RED CARPET... in this gown.
i want to have a whole day outside with absolutely NOTHING to do
i want to SCUBA DIVE in New Zealand
i want to be RIHANNA for a day
i want to ride a HOT AIR BALLOON over Cape Town... hahahah yes, i still want to despite that picture.
i want a BIG family.... hahaha

see. i need more lives.

abc.

catching up.


its been too long! so much has been going on these past 2/3 weeks that i have had NO time to just sit down and reflect. Project finished up, i came home to unpack then repack, came down to auburn for my first rush week, and now school starts....tomorrow!! life needs to slooow down!

there is so much i have to blog about i just dont know where to start...

something that has been so fun about being back is having friends here in auburn that went through the same things as me this summer. that were challenged and pushed, that are coming to school with a lot of convictions for ministry with way too many opportunities to know which ones to take and alot of other things....

last year coming back, one i was just at a really bad place in my heart, but i also had a hard time adjusting to a new place, with alot of new things spiritually that i didn't fully understand yet... now i still have things going on in my heart that im working through, but i have great friends that have seen me fight and grow all summer and are here to really push me to continue to do the same. and its my prayer that i can do the same for them.

elizabeth, also know as iz, went this summer and that has been such a huge blessing. we already spend ATON of time together and now having this summer in common, those friends in common, and just that time of growth in common, is something that i really am so thankful for. the Lord has already used her to help me with a couple situations and allowed her to really speak truth into my life. its been great!

when project ended i left with alot on my heart. i was nervous about coming back to auburn and super nervous about rush week. i really didn't know that many girls in my sorority, i had 1 day to move in... there was just alot i was nervous about. but the Lord went above and beyond.

rush week was cray cray. o my goodness. it was like a huge blur of screaming. one day i was in the chapter room for 19 hours straight... it was insanity! buuuut, it was so. much. fun. i got to know so many girls really well and get closer to the girls i already knew.. the whole summer the Lord had really put my sorority on my heart and some specific things to pray for. by the end of rush, the Lord answered all 4 of my specific prayer request and used certain conversations to really encourage me in the other things i was praying for. it was SO neat to see the Lord provide for me in that way. i really needed that encouragement, and now i am so unbelievably excited to start this semester and see what all the Lord has in store for me and some of my friends.

speaking of this semester... i changed my major. today. class starts... um... tomorrow. should be interesting. i spent all day running errands trying to get classes, get fingerprints done, get a background check (hahaha), and there is still aton i dont have ready. like books. i dont have one book yet!

(its funny because i keep telling people im so excited about this semester and their response is 'Oh really? do you have fun classes?' and i laugh because it just doesn't dawn on me that school is what most people think about when they move back to school.... when i say im excited about this semester an accurate interpretation of that would be... i am so excited about ZTA functions, road trips, concerts, new friends, fun adventures with old friends, lake trips, new pictures, new memories... and i guess im excited about taking classes but thats only because that means im that much closer to being done with school! haha.)

anyways.. when i left project they got us to write a paragraph summarizing our summer, then a sentence, then a word. my word for this summer was rebuilt. thats what the Lord did, he rebuilt me.

the Lord has really used my time in college to break me down and show me where i had been putting my identity for so long. and this summer, after tearing down every wall, i really feel like God laid my foundation and started building me up in the way the He has created me to be. i dont have any question of who i am, or what i should be like, or how i should act... the thing my dad has told me for years has never been more understandable than now- there is freedom within the law.

im so, so, SO excited to explore everything possible this semester and to pour myself out totally and completely in everything i do because i know my position in Christ and because of that im completely free.

abc.