engagement.

on October 26th i got to answer a question that i had been waiting for, dreaming about, wondering about, praying for, and hoping for for my whole life. the man of my dreams asked me to marry him!! since then, it has been a funny, frustrating, and eye-opening journey.

the way i had always dreamed of my engagement going was to get engaged, the next week be filled with UNBELIEVABLE joy and excitement. talking about plans and wishes with my family and anyone else. i always thought that within the first month of being engaged that i would already have the date, the engagement pictures done, and moving full speed ahead on any other decisions pertaining to THE day. i thought it would be all fairytales and butterflies.

well. i was wrong. granted, our situation is a little different than most, i would venture to say that no ones engagement is like that. jake and i have had to deal with alot of real life in the past 2 months and it has made our engagement incredible, but not at all what i had always dreamed of. there have been tears, arguments, hurt feelings, frustration, disappointment, and misunderstandings...

we started premarital counseling last week and the pastor doing it said something that really made some stuff click for me. he said, "it is impossible to enter into new things without false expectations. one of my jobs in our time here is to at least cut those false expectations in half so that you are both prepared. its better to get hit by a 2x4 if you know its coming, rather than be blindsided by it."

i entered into engagement with a million and one false expectations. i expected day-to-day life to be like engagement pictures. perfect, flawless, lovey-dovey, and care-free. the "pinterest engagement" if you will. and the hard times we have gone through in these past 2 months has been the Lord cutting out all my false expectations.

we are talking about marriage here. the first few steps to preparing for a lifetime covenant. a day-in-day-out relationship where life is constantly thrown at you. you are faced with financial issues, family problems and struggles, things not happening in your timing or in the way that you wanted them to...

what i have learned about myself, about jake, about the Lord, and about our relationship are things that i never want to lose. lessons that i pray will stay with me my entire life.

have these past 2 months been what i always thought and dreamed engagement would be like? no. not in the least. have these past 2 months been an incredible journey that i would not trade for anything? absolutely.

my gracious heavenly Father has validated this relationship over, and over, and over. in every hurt feeling, every tear, every frustration, every disappointment, every misunderstanding... everything has deepened my love for jake, built my excitement for our wedding day, and given me a peace that the Lord is not done with either of us yet.

i cannot wait till we set a date and know the day that will start the rest of our lives together. but what i cant wait for even more than that is the next day, and the next day, and the next day. i cant wait for our LIFETIME together. to do what we have been doing in our engagement - living life together.

abc.

i said yes!

i am so excited to finally have time to sit down and write out everything that has happened. this past week has gone by at like a million miles per hour…. i cant believe i am engaged!! it still hasn’t really sunk in. but, here is the story and some pictures!!

so on monday last week, my boss called me to change my schedule and informed me that i was going to be working with Deborah getting trained as the Personal Shopper/Stylist! My boss informed me that I would be working individually with clients and so I needed to come dressed very “wealthy” as she put it haha

So friday rolls around and i am PUMPED to go to work… but when i get there, to my dismay, i get to do NO styling. so i was confused and very angry. So my friend courtney and I had planned to go to dinner that night after work and i was really excited to get a margarita and vent to her about how i didn’t get to dress anyone! I also took my merry little time after work and bought myself some really pretty pitty jewelry (little did I know i would be having a WONDERFUL addition soon! ha) so i get home (30 mins late) and decide not to go inside and just wait in the car for Court to get there… what i didnt know was that she was creepily parked across the street in my neighbors drive way just watching me. so she calls and says she has to use the restroom and for me to go inside and wait for her. i told her she was lame but i obeyed and headed inside.

When i get up to my back door, there are 4 candles just sitting there lit. on the steps. and i think… “well that is just CREEPY” (i thought Jakes mom was at the beach and that my parents were at Lukes football game that Jake was coaching at. i legitimately had NO EARTHLY IDEA and was not expecting it at all). well once I open the door, i see the sign on the door that says “Forever and Always” (jake and I’s thing we would say to each other in high school haha ohhhhhh the cheese.) so then i start to get real emotional. I get to the next door and there is another sign with 3 things on it but i dont really remember what they said but basically it told me to walk inside and when i opened the door it was magical.

the entire house was candle lit and it was beautiful! there was a candle path to a little chair for me to sit in and watch a video he has put together. it was a slide show of pictures of us from 9th grade until now! complete with tim mcgraw, eli young, and dave barnes… the essential ‘mushers’ in jake and I’s minds! it was precious. at the end it told me to walk outside and he would meet me out there….

so i walk out of that room and walk up into our kitchen and when i turn the corner i lose it. my entire back yard (2 full acres) was lit up like a fairytale! every tree had white twinkling christmas lights, there were hundreds of little candles, little lanterns, and then big white paper lanterns hung in the tree…. i mean it literally took my breath away. so i start BALLING.

i walk towards the back door and before i walk out there is a frame at the end of the table and in the frame is a journal entry from the morning after he told me his feelings for me in Charleston back in January. this was one of my favorite parts of the whole thing. it was his prayer for our relationship. and it really showed just how well he knew me. he was thanking the Lord for bringing me back into his life and him saying that he KNEW that i was who the Lord had for him to spend the rest of his life with. But, it was also his prayer for the Lord to reveal that to me in His own timing because Jake knew that i didn’t know that yet. It may sound weird, but it was just so cool to me that Jake prayed for patience on his part because he knew that my heart hadn’t yet come to the same conclusion as his and he was ok with that.

so i try to pull myself together and then i walk outside where my Oh so handsome man is waiting for me! when i get there, the GREATEST thing happened. he told me he loved me. we agreed back in January that we didn’t want to grow accustomed or numb to those heavy words so we had not said them to each other. it was probably the greatest thing my ears have ever heard! im smiling just thinking about it ha.

so then he takes my hand and walks me to under my favorite tree in our backyard and tells me alot of wonderful things that i honestly cannot remember!! and then he got down on one knee….. and BOOM!

i said YES!!! 

 this is when he was telling me some wonderful things that i cant remember…

this is when he asked me to be his WIFE!!!!

this was right after i said YES!!!

 aaaaaaaand these are the cheesy “right after” shots that i am pretty obsessed with!!

 after all that we went inside and he had my favorite dinner waiting on me, then took me to JenSei (a favorite of mine) for what i thought was just for he and I and when i got there, about 25 of my close friends were waiting for us with champaign and wedding magazines! then after that, he told me we had one more stop. so we headed back to the house and he had my family, his family, and all our close family friends there waiting for us with a beautiful cake, yummy cupcakes, and story time! it really was the most perfect night of my life! 

i could not be more in love and i am so happy to FINALLY be able to freely say it!

 it is just so neat to me that the Lord loves me and jake enough to take us down the paths that he did, for us to learn in the ways that we did the things that we did, so that moments like October 26, 2012 could be so fully enjoyed. my heart could not be any more full!

abc.

serendipity.

i opened my blog and sat down to try and write something. anything. but, i couldn't really think of anything to type... i am blessed with the opportunity this summer to intern with Nations Outfitters and it has been SO MUCH FUN. well, one of my jobs for them is to blog... so, for a small update on what is going on in my heart... click the link! 

 http://changingseasonsnations.blogspot.com/2012/06/serendipity.html

abc.

a failure.

i am, basically, done with college in 2 days. i dont technically graduate till august, but my time here in auburn is done in 2 days. when i think back to THIS time, it is crazy that i am sitting here talking about actually being done.

i remember SO distinctly this one day sophomore year... i was at southern union and had just talked with some of my friends up at Wofford. they were telling me about a super fun night they had had a few nights before and how they missed me and wished i could have been there. then i went back to that HORRIBLE place, Cambridge (my first apt), and lost it. i cried and cried and cried. i mean, snot-nosed, fetal position, wailing type of cry. and i will never forget thinking 'no one here misses me. no one here even really knows im here. and if they do, unless they've had to leave a school and group of friends that they love, they will never be able to understand what is going on in my life. i am NEVER going to get out of here....' i remember it like it was yesterday.

and now... im here. im done. im leaving.

but... thats where the conflict inside sets in.

my whole life i have longed for this day to get here. i never have to do school again! i finally get to move on to what i have wanted to do my whole life! and i never have to take an pointless tests or do stupid projects or anything ever. again.

this point of my life though is not how i pictured it....

no one thinks of graduating college and then.... moving back home.

[now before i go any further, i want to be very clear on this - i only think this way in terms of me. i have a number of friends... MANY... who, after graduation moved back home. i think that is AWESOME for them. but this whole post is in terms of me, and strictly me. so please dont anyone read into anything or assume that i am speaking indirectly to people. im not. i am talking strictly in terms of me.]

my whole life i have dreamed about getting done with college so that i could finally be free to do whatever it is i wanted to do. if i wanted to be a movie star, i could. if i wanted to start a free camp for inner-city kids to come to and possibly board at, i could. if i wanted to move to India to labor among the Hindi there, i could. if i wanted to get married, i could. if i wanted to move to New York and pursue my obsession with all things hair, makeup, and fashion, then i could. but im finally to this idolized point in my life and i am doing none of those. i am simply moving back home.
and to me, i see myself as a failure.

in my eyes, i have let myself down. i have not made the most of my life. i have settled and copped-out and not been able to make it on my own.

i love my home. i absolutely adore my parents and each of my siblings. i want to be near home so i can be everyones favorite aunt. i want to KNOW my siblings and what is going on in their lives. i want to have my parents near me so that they can continue teaching me, guiding me, and pouring into me in all the incredible ways that they have. NONE of this has anything to do with my physical, biological, actual home. my home is literally my favorite place in this entire world. i could talk all day about the sounds i couldn't live without, the smell of it, the peace i feel the second i walk in the door, the life that those walls have seen... i could literally write for FOREVER about how much i love my home and how much i love being home.

i dont want to move back home because i dont want to move back to birmingham. i dont want to move back to the pressures that are at home. i dont want to move back somewhere that i feel constantly watched. always scrutinized under a magnifying glass. i dont want to move back to birmingham because there is SO MUCH PRESSURE. not from my family, but from what i like to call "the stands". you know... the people that sit in the stands at sporting events and every person that walks by they have a comment about? thats what birmingham is to me. me on a playing field and a multitude of "stands" around me, silently commenting on my every move.

so when i say "home" i mean birmingham, not my home.

that all being said, when you are a college graduate there is a MASSIVE difference in going at home and moving home.

this weekend, i went home. tuesday, i move home.

what happened to my dreams? what happened to taking the world by storm the second i get my degree? what happened to changing and saving lives? what happened to taking the Gospel to the people that have almost NO MEANS OF HEARING IT?! what happened? how did i get here?

did i misread part of Gods plan? did i make a wrong decision? where did i go wrong? where did i screw something up? where did i start messing up how awesome my life was supposed to be?

...isnt satan good at feeding lies?

this whole semester those feelings have been pushed down, ignored, deflected... and i finally decided to face them. why do i feel that way? i know its not true, so why am i believing them?

as i have tried to sort through all of this and why i am feeling this way, it has been almost funny. almost.

there is this sermon that Tim Keller preached called "The Blessed Self-Forgetfulness". if you have never listened to it- stop reading. RIGHT NOW. and go listen to it. it WILL change your walk with the Lord.

anyways, in it he askes (my paraphrasing) why when we close our eyes to imagine, that we only image things for ourselves in the way that glorifies our own selves the most... and its true. if yall got inside my head when i day dreamed... oh. my. gosh.

i save the world, i cure cancer, i adopt every orphan in the entire world, i am a famous movie star that is an amazing role model for girls all over the globe that has time to radically change the fashion industry in just 1 week....

those aren't really what i want to do. obviously. but i have always had this weird but VERY consistent and urging feeling that the Lord has something strangely perfect in store for me... but what i have realized is that i had began to idolize that feeling into a worldly understanding. I began thinking of that strangely perfect things in tangible terms instead of kingdom terms. i realized that i  want to go do big great things because i want people to think highly of me. i want people to think 'wow, she is doing big things! her family must be so proud!'. approval of man instead of God. why, abby, are you letting something as fleeting as a human dictate your joy?

and i have seen so. much. sin. in my thinking.

i KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Lord has me at home this summer... and probably this fall. i know that the Lord has so much in store to teach me. i know that i have already learned so much about humility and i am sure there is alot more on that subject to come. i KNOW that the Lord is for me and that he has plans of a HOPE and of a FUTURE!

i had allowed satan to feed me lies for too long. i allowed him to seep in and train my brain to think failure. failure. failure. you are nothing but a failure. HDFS? whats that? thats not a doctor. thats not a teacher. thats not even a a real major. thats just a stupid MRS degree that you dont even want. failure. you are nothing but a failure.

well, im done. im done allowing him to tell me that. im done being manipulated and i am done allowing myself to think that my Heavenly Father does not have a GOOD and PERFECT plan for my life.

will it be a fight? hell yes. it might be that i have to wake up every morning this summer and pound my head into my pillow and yell - GOD. IS. FOR. YOU. - but if so, then thats what ill do.

that blog post i referenced at the beginning is EXACTLY why i started blogging. because in that post, these were my same thoughts. people are going to think that i couldn't handle being that far from home, people are going to think that i couldn't make it at Wofford... mans approval... i have failed.

what i have learned from when i wrote all that till now is that God is faithful. there has yet to be a time in my life where i faced something hard and did not see the Lord use it for good. there has never. not once. been a time in my life when i could have questioned the Lords sovereignty.

so. to satan, to the silent commentators, to the pressures that i feel from the birmingham world, screw you.

like many of my posts end, i am fighting for joy during this time. i am choosing to fix my eyes on Jesus and his promises and begging Him to not allow my heart to wander.

i am SO looking forward to spending all this time with my two knuckle-heads of little brothers, i am pumped about getting alot of time with my niece and nephew, i am so excited about being around my parents wisdom for a solid 3 more months at the least, i am SO PUMPED to intern with Nations Outfitters and get to work under a woman as wise, godly, and driven as Mrs. Lisa-Ann, i am excited to be near Lindsey and Colby and learn from their marriage, I am excited about the possibility of going to visit Will, Christine and Baby Cunningham as they start the next chapter of their lives, I am really excited about finally being in the same city as Jake... I am genuinely excited about alot of things. and i am fianally at peace about moving back to birmingham. and i am so looking forward to all that the Lord will teach me....

"My foes are many
They rise against me
But I will hold my ground
I will not fear the war
I will not fear the storm
My help is on the way
My help is on the way

Oh, my God
He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear
His promise is true
My God will come through always
Always

Trouble surrounds me
Chaos abounding
My soul will rest in You
I will not fear the war
I will not fear the storm
My help is on the way
My help is on the way

I lift my eyes up
My help comes from the Lord"
      -Always , Passion City Band

abc.

QOTW.

i hope this is what all my nieces, nephews, kids, and grandkids say about me.

abc.

IM SO EXCITED.

this is what i feel like doing.

right now.

in the middle of the silent floor of the library.

so today has been..... AWESOME.

-i found out i will indeed, pass college!!!!!! i got a 73 on my Econ test and no, you do not have ANY idea what a massive deal this is.

- i have completely finished my 25 page paper for "my favorite class ever"

- i have also completely finished my MASSIVE life-folio, also for "my favorite class ever"

- i am done with MASSIVE project that i have for another class tomorrow that was A COMPLETE waste of time

- i get to see Jake in 10 days

- today was my LAST MONDAY OF SCHOOL EVER!!!!!!!!!!!

- and THIS is the biggest news of all, but im not sure if i am at liberty to disclose it yet, so i'll just keep you on the edge of your seat.

hope your Monday is this much of a funday!

abc.

no more pizza.

so for a long time now i have known that i am scatterbrained. im not a planner, which always keeps life interesting and fun, but also makes life stressful at times because i forget stuff ALL. THE. TIME.

i've been praying that the Lord would teach me discipline for a long time.... and i haven't seen that happen. but then i realized. just because i ask for cake doesn't mean im going to get it. if i really want it, sometimes you have to bake it. actually, usually you have to make it! unless its your birthday but that only happens once a year- so for analogies sake.. well that works perfect. sometimes you can pray for something and it will simply, happen. but alot of times, you have to pray for something but also do your part.

with the start of a new month i decided for the start to some lifestyle changes. this should be interesting...

i've been thinking about this since about mid-march. and so i started last week because i knew i couldn't just start everything yesterday.

i cleaned my car! trunk and all. now, if you have ever ridden in my car then you will understand what a big deal this is. and by clean i mean i vacuumed, scrubbed, threw away, dusted, washed, waxed, air-freshened and all!

i rearranged my room and then cleaned it and the bathroom. vacuumed, scrubbed, folded, hung, and more.

then i finished off all my bad-for-you food and cleaned out my parts of the fridge.

so when April 1st rolled around i was able to start the month with a clean car, clean room, and a fridge of healthy, yummy looking food!

my goal for the month is to keep this up. i want to be disciplined, so i am setting up my life to make myself accountable! we'll see how this goes....

my goal is to keep a clean car, clean room, eat paleo, and meet with the Lord in some way every day for the month of April. They say it only takes 21 days to make a habit... the way i see it, that gives me 10 extra days to make things concrete! i have a list taped to my mirror to be reminded every day. asking myself 6 simple things:

have i prayed, quite timed, exercised, ROAK-ed, eaten healthy, and laughed. simple enough, right?

dont misunderstand me though. as lofty as this whole thing is... i've already screwed up! i got up to eat breakfast and i saw the eggs and thought 'thats what you should eat' then i looked down a shelf and saw a mellow mushroom pizza box that i SWEAR had a halo around it. so i ate the pizza. I ATE PIZZA FOR BREAKFAST! ON DAY 2!!! but no worries. dinner was pecan crusted chicken and baked asparagus! heres to hoping tomorrow morning will be a win.

abc.

QOTW.

abc.

QOTW.

amen.

abc.

monday funday.

summary of yesterday?

perfect. peaceful. needed. fun. relaxing. funny. nostalgic. deep. adventurous. really needed. memorable. encouraging. worshipful. awesome. good. did i say perfect?

so my great friend texted me sunday night and simply said: "Horses and kayaking are a must. maybe fishing. bring your camera, jeans, and a swimsuit. and your party pants. ill pick you up at 11:15..." i mean, is there a sentence out there that sounds more awesome?! i think not.

this is how the day got started...

we kayaked all down House Creek and met quite an interesting man. we could tell you his entire life story, literally, but couldn't give you his name.

i mean, it really doesn't get any more beautiful.

then a little more exploring...

then some breath-takingly beautiful dirt roads..

and a mesmerizing field...

and then.... i got to ride sweet June. OH MY GOODNESS it was so much fun.

and then... i sat on their fence.... and it broke.

and this is how the day ended...

i am one happy girl and feeling so blessed by all the amazing people i have surrounding me.

abc.

restarting.

today is the first day i have felt like blogging since before Christmas conference...

i have about 3 months of stuff in my head/heart so it should be interesting to see how this all comes out. i have been forcing myself to blog, but none are ok to post because they are a little too personal.. and by little i mean WAY.

as i have talked with older people about my life recently, they have ALL said the same thing and let me tell you something.... IT PISSES ME OFF. every. single. older. person. i have talked to says in some form or fashion 'Oh dont stress about that! stop worrying! the Lord will make it all clear to you!' in which i want to say...

ARE YOU EVEN HUMAN!??!!!?! how bout you think back to when you had 5 weeks left in college and had NO FREAKING CLUE what you wanted to do with you life... how did you feel? did you feel calm? did you feel at peace? did you feel worry free? ya. thats what i thought. so why the hell are you telling me to 'not worry about anything'?!

instead i just do the mature thing and laugh and say 'oh i know...' when really i want to punch them in the face.

these past 3 months have been a huge ball of blaudgalkdsjf. i am stressed. i am so confused. i feel like i am looking for one freaking mustard seed in the pacific ocean. i am anxious. i am exhausted. and i am not trusting the Lord at all because i feel like i have nothing to trust.

i think that the past 3 months, the Lord has been turning the heat up and i have maintained by boil-overs thus far, but in the past 4 days i have had a constant boil over that has been uncontrollable haha and i am very certain the Lord intended me to have them at this very time.

i went to dinner last night with a younger girl that means so much to me. i've done a biblestudy with her and some other girls before and it has been so neat seeing her grow as much as she has in the past year. when we sat down last night she just vented about how confused with life she is right now. she asked me questions like How do you discern Gods will for you life? How do you figure out what you are supposed to do with your life? When people tell you 'well just get in the word and the Lord will reveal his purpose' what does that even mean? How do you really study the Word? and the questions went on and on and on... and i just sat there, half wanting to cry and half wanting to burst into laughter because i am asking myself those same exact questions.

what is Gods will for my life?

how do i figure out how to do what i love, do what i am good at, and do what God has for me? and how do all those mesh into one THING?

am i really in Gods will right now?

i keep going to the Word for answers, but i leave more confused. is there a right and wrong way to study the Word?

and on and on and on....

but as i began to talk with her and tell her about everything i have been going through recently, show her scripture that i have read recently, and laugh about the way we think... i realized that without even knowing it- the Lord has been giving me answers. the Lord has been comforting me. the Lord has been guiding me.

i have been so blinded by my desire to figure it out, that i havent been able to see the Lord unfolding his will right before my eyes. that being said, i still dont agree with EVERYONE who keeps saying be calm, dont worry, Gods got it... God gave us emotions and i have every intention of using them. this is not a calm/worry free time of life. BUT to lose sight of faith in my worrying is where i have gone wrong.

i have been SO consumed with worrying that i had begun to just give up. i had almost gotten the point of - screw it. im just gonna do whatever the heck i want. instead of saying -

Lord i am FREAKING OUT. but i bet Noah was freaking out when you told him to build an ark when there was no rain. and i bet Jonah was freaking out when he was sitting in the belly of whale. and i bet Joseph was freaking out when he had to go to the King and interpret his dreams and then help run a country. and i bet Daniel was freaking out when thrown into a lions den. and i bet Ruth was freaking out when she chose to stay with Naomi even though she really had no reason to. and i bet Mary was freaking out when you told her that she, as a virgin, was going to conceive a child. and i bet that Mary Magdalen was freaking out when she came to mourn over you and you were not in the tomb. and, if we're being honest, i bet you were freaking out when your own father commanded you to lay your life down on that cross. so here i am- laying down my desires on my own cross and begging you to show me what it is you have for me in this short life.

i was re-reading THIS and was reminded of alot of truths i have become numb and blind to... i HATE the idea of limitation. i hate thinking that i cannot do something because someone told me i cant. i hate thinking that there are parts of living that i wont get to experience because someone told me i cant or because its not ok for me to do. really. i HATE that.

but i had lost sight of the TRUTH and the FREEDOM that the Lord is giving me. i had began to see certain aspects of my family, of my friends, of certain relationships, and of my own self as boxing me in and keeping me from things. and i have been angry. REALLY angry. and when the Lord finally turned the heat all the way up over spring break (which btw was THE GREATEST SPRING BREAK EVER!!!!!!! hands. down. AMAZING! blog about that to come soon!) anyways.. when the Lord really broke me over spring break, i came back and realized how desperately i need to go back to square 1 and restart.

i need to go back to what i know. i need to go back to the posts that make up that fence of freedom. i have to preach to myself every morning that God is GOOD. that God is sovereign. that God is faithful, my rock, in control, here for my good, and merciful, loving, gracious, and forgiving. now what of all that sounds confining? none. but i have to get my heart back to believing those truths.

... music is always what helps me the most. usually not christian music, because i honestly think 'christian music' is annoying, predictable, and cheesy. (and sung by people with NO sense of style) HOWEVER, this song has been on repeat the past week and the words are applicable to someone going through a transition like i am, or something as serious as death. and what they say in this video is what i feel like the Lord has recently done in my heart...

Every week I hear a story of a miracle

And if I’m honest I’m tired of seeing none at all

I don’t need to see a dead man come alive

All I want is you to fill me up inside

I need You Lord

Even more than the air I breathe

I need You Lord

Right away

I need You Lord

Every minute of every day

I need You Lord

Right away

Today I’m asking for a miracle

Anything you got God big or small

I don’t need to see the cancer go away

All that I want is to know that it will be ok

I need you I need you

abc.

QOTW.

i have been stru-guh-ling when it comes to this here blog! life has gotten pretty crazy this past month in a half. there have been very specific reasons for each QOTW that i have chosen for Jan/Feb and as soon as the GRE is over on friday and i get back in town, i am getting caught up on all the things that i love... one being this blog. so, though i know none of yall (whoever 'yall' is) aren't, like, on the edge of your big comfy chair just dying to see what i have to say... i am! because i never know till i sit down. so, i will return with a stellar post to make up for my absence... for the sake of none other than my own head.

oh man arent you pumped?!

abc.

decades. who needs em?

more so than usual, people have been telling me that i was born in the wrong decade. i have literally gotten this comment about 9 times just this week. and, frankly, i agree.

why couldn't i have dressed in ridiculous layers with colored hair at a cyndi lauper concert?!

or i mean, really? this is what my hair looks like when i wake up. things just would have been so much easier.

or even just a hippie so i could wear tye-dye every day with a million braids and feathers in my hair.

heck, i'd settle to be Pocahontas too.

until then, i will thrive off of dress-up parties and pinterest to quench my desire for fringe, tye-dye, feathers, and all things neon.

abc.

QOTW.

instead of looking at confusion, im choosing to see joy.

im in the noonday and dont even know it...

abc.

QOTW.

abc.

the beauty of pain.

i know its a long quote.. but its C S Lewis so you know its good. read it.

"... Well, anyway, I looked up and saw the very last thing i expected: a huge lion coming slowly towards me and one queer thing was that there was no moon last night, but there was moonlight where the lion was. So it came nearer and nearer. I was terribly afraid of it. you may think that, being a dragon, i could have knocked any lion out easily enough. but it wasn't that kind of fear, i wasn't afraid of it eating me, i was just afraid of it - if you can understand. well, it came close up to me and looked straight into my eyes, and i shut my eyes tight. but that wasn't any good because it told me to follow it."

"you mean it spoke?"

"i dont know. now that you mention it, i dont think it did,but it told me all the same. and i knew id have to do what it told me, so i got up and followed it. and it led me a long way into the mountains. and there was always this moonlight over and round the lion wherever we went. so at last we came to the top of a mountain id never seen before and on the top of this mountain there was a garden - trees and fruit and everything. in the middle of it there was a well...

i knew it was a well because you could see the water bubbling up from the bottom of it... and i thought if i could get in there and bathe, it would ease the pain in my leg. but the lion told me i must undress first. mind you, i dont know if he said any words out loud or not.

...oh, of course, i thought, thats what the lion means. so i started scratching myself and my scales began coming off all over the place. and then i scratched a little deeper and, instead of just scales coming off here and there, mu whole skin started peeling off beautifully, like it does after and illness, or as i was a banana....

but just as i was going to put my feet into the water i looked down and saw that they were all hard and rough and wrinkled and scaly just as they had been before. oh, thats alright, said i, it only means i had a smaller suit on underneath the first one, and ill have to get out of it too. so i scratched and tore again and this under-skin peeled off beautifully ad out it steeped and left it lying beside the other one and went down to the well for my bathe....

well, exactly the same things happened again. and i thought to myself, oh dear, how ever many skins have i got to take off? ... so i scratched away for the third time and got off a third skin, just like the two others, and stepped out of it. but as soon as i looked at myself in the water i knew it had been no good...

then the Lion said... 'you will have to let me undress you.' i was afraid of his claws, i can tell you but i was pretty nearly desperate now. so i just lay flat down on my back and let him do it.

the very first tear he made was so deep that i thought it had gone right into my hear. and when he began pulling off the skin, it hurt worse than anything i've ever felt. the only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off. you know - if you've ever picked the scab off a sore place. it hurts like billy - oh but it IS fun to see it coming away....

well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off - just as i thought id done it myself the other three times, only they hadn't hurt - and there it was, lying on the grass: only ever so much thicker and darker, and more knobbly-looking than the others had been. and there was i as smooth and soft as a peeled switch and smaller than i had been. then he caught hold of me - i didn't like that much for i was very tender underneath now that id no skin on - and threw me into the water. it smarted like anything but only for for a moment. after that it became perfectly delicious and as soon as i started swimming and splashing i found that all the pain had gone from my arm. and then i saw why. if turned into a boy again..."

there really is no way for words to better describe the beauty of pain. walking faithfully with the Lord brings about so many moments/periods of us thinking we had repented and our Heavenly Father having to come in and claw. away. our filth and throw us into the well of his grace. and it hurts, and it doesn't make sense, but...

"...we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."

(2 Corinthians 4:16-18 ESV)

Praise God from whom ALL blessings flow.

difficult or easy, Praise the Father.

abc.

my mud pies.

its funny how when you are searching for something, you don't usually find it. and when you're not really looking for something, you find it.

i have this rule of thumb - if i lose something, i refuse to look for it. because it somehow always seems to turn up when i forgot that i lost it.

recently the Lord has been shaking me up and kinda re-routing what path i thought i was heading down... a fork in the road if you will. so today i went to get in the word and was looking for a verse that i didn't know the reference for, which means of course i couldnt find it. i looked, and looked.... and nothing. so when i flipped to the back of my bible to the concordance, a sheet of paper i had taken sermon notes on from a long time ago fell out and instead of a verse to claim, i got a whole sermon.

dated: 1. 19. 2009.

preacher: Andy Lewis (check him out... he is LEGIT)

title: faith - what is it?

concluding note: "elation from desperation"

we never know what the Lord is preparing us for when we go to church on a sunday 3 years ago. or how sweet these 3 little words might be 10 years from now. or how peaceful a reference will be 5 months from now... we just never know what our Father is preparing for us...

its always intesting to me that the times i journal, pray, study the word, memorize scripture, listen to sermons, and every other stereotypical christian thing i could do, are when i am in desperation. desperation for clarity, guidance, understanding... desperately searching for the Lords will for my life.

but isnt that ironic? elation from desperation. desperation = seeking HARD after the Lord. seeking HARD after the Lord = Jesus. Jesus = elation. pretty simple, huh?

so why do we wait till we're desperate to seek HARD after him?

for me? because im distracted. i am SO easily distracted.

c.s.lewis knew what was up:

"Our Lord finds our desires not too strong but too weak. We’re half-hearted creatures, fooling around with drink and sex and ambition. When infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum, because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”

my hope and prayer is that in my day in/day out life - i wouldnt wait for desperation to sink in till i finally look to my Father. but that in all, above all, and first of all

i would seek the precious face of Jesus causing

'all the things of this world to grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace'.

abc.

QOTW.

so i've really been slacking on the whole blog thing.... post to come soon! "runners high and road-trips" sounds intriguing, doesn't it?! until then...

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QOTW.

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