Thursday, December 9, 2010

just scratching the surface.

its funny reading through past entries on here. it hasn't even been a year and after rereading, rooted. , so much in my life has changed since then. i have changed so much since then. i laughed pretty hard when i was reminiscing about writing this. i thought it was so creative to name my personalities. now i think it just sounds a little schizo haha!

about 2 years ago, my little brother tanner and i were riding in the car. now- tanner is a man of few words. but when he starts talking, he knows what hes talking about. he is very insightful, he keeps things to himself, and hes very deep. we are VERY different, but i love having true conversations with him. so, we were in the car and he had been really quite, so i knew he was thinking. he grabbed my ipod- which he knows if off limits in my car- and said he had a song to play me that always made him think of me. he turned on "one more mouth" by Josh Ritter. to this day, it is my favorite song and the most played song on my itunes. 153 times to be exact.

we listened to it all the way through and i didn't really get how it reminded him of me. so i sat there silently waiting for him to explain. then he rewinded it to a part and played these few lines again...

"You act like you don't need nobody else
And you dance like you don't need nobody else
And all the other moths need light To circle round
while you just fly
Around yourself"

i think i've gotten to the point where i know how to balance "stacy" and "leyla". the Lord has been so faithful to point me in the direction with a clear understanding of where i feel He has me. and in doing that i have grown into my own skin. i feel like i really am finally at a place where i am happy to be me, and content in it. i feel like now i am moving on to the next battle within myself. my issue of independence and control.

when tanner played me those lines again, it hit me hard. no one was supposed to be able to see through my walls. no one was supposed to be able to tell that i ACT like im fine by myself. but t did, and he called me out on it. and 2 years later, because of alot of different circumstances in my life, im finally owning up to it. and i feel, im only scratching the surface of some deeper rooted issue.

i've been seeing, through a few relationships i have with specific people, that theres alot of things im holding onto that i have GOT to surrender to the Lord. my pride, my plan (you'd think i'd have learned this one by now haha), my emotions, my thoughts, my needs, my desires...

i think sometimes i think that if people knew i needed them, like really needed them, then they would see me as weak and insecure. when really, i need them because they encourage me, the uplift me, and they make me a better person. i think vulnerability scares the crap out of me because it'll let people see how needy i am. and i dont like thinking im a needy person.

but is that really a bad thing? i dont know... i think sometimes it can be good to know someone needs you in their life.

what it boils down to is a pride issue. and i think that is something i am going to struggle with my whole life. its my pride that doesnt want me to admit i cant do everything on my own. its pride that keeps me from letting people see me broken. its pride that keeps me from telling people closest to me that i need them. its pride that makes me "act like i dont need nobody else"...

C.S. Lewis' chapter "The Great Sin" in Mere Christianity hits the nail on the head. (go read it. its insanely good.) over christmas break, at new years conference, and all next semester- i think i know what issue ill be working on.... oh what fun!


Thursday, December 2, 2010

ultimate creativity.

for those of you who dont know me that well, i love getting to create. i think thats why i love cutting hair, doing makeup, fashion and all that so much. i love painting, i love designing things, i love imagining... i just really like creating things!

i have been thinking about that alot lately and thinking about how the great artist of today think of the art they create. and some of my close friends, they are SO creative and so talented-but where do they get their inspiration from? where do i get mine from?

i get mine from people, from nature, from emotions, from memories, from life... i found this quote and in a weird way, it kind of embodies the realization i've come to. (it seems like an obvious realization but whatever)

"We are told to remember the idea, not the man. Because a man can fail. He can be killed and forgotten. But 400 years later, an idea can still change the world. I've witnessed firsthand the power of ideas.i've seen people killed in the name of them; and died defending them. but you cannot touch an idea, cannot hold it or kiss it. an idea does not bleed, it cannot feel pain, and it does not love. and it is not an idea that i miss, it is a man....a man i will never forget"
-V for Vendetta

when it comes to creativeness, or imagining, or being original- all of us are inspired originalist. which, in essence, isn't true originality. Yes, you may see it in that specific way for the first time and that is original, but whatever you thought of came from an inspired source. there is only one person that is truly original. all the rest of us get our 'original ideas' from outside sources. the only artist who ever created from NOTHING is God. thats so cool! realizing this has made painting and photography and all the other stuff so much more exciting. the inspiration i get is kind of like a form of worship i guess because it is taking something the Lord has created and appreciating it for even the simplest value.

the quote above is really intriguing to me. it says we are told to remember the idea, not the man. i, like the character speaking, disagree. i think we should appreciate, enhance, and love the idea- but i think we should always remember the man. the One the idea, in its most basic form, came from.

(im going to go off on a tangent for a second and then ill get to my point.... promise.)

i love tattoos. i think that they are fascinating. i LOVE looking at people that have a ridiculous amount of tattoos. i think sleeves are legit. why? because there is something behind every drop of ink on that person. every tattoo that person has ever gotten, they have a reason. it may be a really dumb one, but theres a reason. i like going up and talking to strangers about their tattoos and asking if they'll tell me the story behind them. you'd be amazed and what some people will tell a complete stranger.

that being said, alot of them will say in some round about way that the reason they got their first tattoo was because they wanted 1. something permanent to always remind them of something or 2. they want to be a display of art.

also, as i have been in college and have been so many places in my short career, i have talked to a variety of girls. and my eyes have been opened to just how much image insecurities effect girls- every aspect of our lives. i have had conversation after conversation about self-image insecurities that lead to other really hard struggles. it breaks my heart to hear of what some of my friends have and are going through simply because they do not believe that they truly are beautiful.

to the tattooist that wants to be art, and to any girl that doesn't see herself as fearfully and wonderfully made... thats where this post is inspired from. because i think people should realize that YOU are a perfectly handcrafted, 100% original, inspired work of art.

the Lord created from nothing and in the end said "this is good". i think more people need to believe that. more girls need to see when they look in the mirror that God said not only that this is good, but numerous times he says we are created in HIS image and we were made beautiful. and i guess this isn't just for girls. guys too.

i think its so cool that now when i paint, or take a picture, or journal, or listen to music, or do anything that involves the arts, i am getting to first hand experience just one aspect of the Lords creativeness. i like that i have that in common with Him.