about 2 years ago, my little brother tanner and i were riding in the car. now- tanner is a man of few words. but when he starts talking, he knows what hes talking about. he is very insightful, he keeps things to himself, and hes very deep. we are VERY different, but i love having true conversations with him. so, we were in the car and he had been really quite, so i knew he was thinking. he grabbed my ipod- which he knows if off limits in my car- and said he had a song to play me that always made him think of me. he turned on "one more mouth" by Josh Ritter. to this day, it is my favorite song and the most played song on my itunes. 153 times to be exact.
we listened to it all the way through and i didn't really get how it reminded him of me. so i sat there silently waiting for him to explain. then he rewinded it to a part and played these few lines again...
"You act like you don't need nobody else
And you dance like you don't need nobody else
And all the other moths need light To circle round
while you just fly
i think i've gotten to the point where i know how to balance "stacy" and "leyla". the Lord has been so faithful to point me in the direction with a clear understanding of where i feel He has me. and in doing that i have grown into my own skin. i feel like i really am finally at a place where i am happy to be me, and content in it. i feel like now i am moving on to the next battle within myself. my issue of independence and control.
when tanner played me those lines again, it hit me hard. no one was supposed to be able to see through my walls. no one was supposed to be able to tell that i ACT like im fine by myself. but t did, and he called me out on it. and 2 years later, because of alot of different circumstances in my life, im finally owning up to it. and i feel, im only scratching the surface of some deeper rooted issue.
i've been seeing, through a few relationships i have with specific people, that theres alot of things im holding onto that i have GOT to surrender to the Lord. my pride, my plan (you'd think i'd have learned this one by now haha), my emotions, my thoughts, my needs, my desires...
i think sometimes i think that if people knew i needed them, like really needed them, then they would see me as weak and insecure. when really, i need them because they encourage me, the uplift me, and they make me a better person. i think vulnerability scares the crap out of me because it'll let people see how needy i am. and i dont like thinking im a needy person.
but is that really a bad thing? i dont know... i think sometimes it can be good to know someone needs you in their life.
what it boils down to is a pride issue. and i think that is something i am going to struggle with my whole life. its my pride that doesnt want me to admit i cant do everything on my own. its pride that keeps me from letting people see me broken. its pride that keeps me from telling people closest to me that i need them. its pride that makes me "act like i dont need nobody else"...
C.S. Lewis' chapter "The Great Sin" in Mere Christianity hits the nail on the head. (go read it. its insanely good.) over christmas break, at new years conference, and all next semester- i think i know what issue ill be working on.... oh what fun!