Tuesday, January 11, 2011

a bitter sweet hello.

man. i havn't blogged in over a month! maybe thats why my mind feels so cluttered. (everyone should have seen how i just tried to spell cluttered. thank goodness for spell check.) well. i honestly dont even know where to start. happy abby, sad abby, morbid/depressed abby, or so happy with life i cant contain myself abby. because, honestly, all of those emotions are going on in me right now. at the same stinking time. sometimes i feel like the most bipolar person in the world. its ridiculous.

my school is a national champ!! so much fun! cant believe it! watching the game here was awesome. ive never seen so many people emotionally invested in one tv screen in my life. it was actually kind of funny.

christmas break was so much fun! i absolutely loved getting to spend so much time with my family. it was great just sitting around and being home. really, nothing i would have rather been doing. it was also so much fun to get to see all my friends that are in birmingham. all my friends at samford and all the others that were home from other schools... i just genuinely love being home. to me, theres really not much better.

i also loved getting to see the babies anytime i wanted! i love having linds and colby so close! im still not used to it i dont think. i love that ellie jane knows my name! and i love that i get to see her and john both growing bigger. it is so much fun.

i was not ready to leave. i want to love auburn as much as my friends do. i want to love this place and never ever ever ever leave it like pretty much every other student here... but, i dont. i am so ready to graduate. i came back simply so i could do what i feel the Lord has called me to and get done. fast.

i feel like i have to battle so much selfishness every single day. the selfishness of my heart. not letting the things my heart wants so badly to overcome the joy that i should have in doing what is SO evident to me that the Lord has called me to.

and its hard. because honestly, theres no one to really talk to about this except the Lord. because, at the end of the day, who wants to listen to someone talk about what they wish they could do or talk about where they wish they could be? no one. so its this internal battle that is pretty exhausting. spiritually and emotionally. but, i guess the positive of it, is it is so sweet when i do see the Lord do small things, things that are almost like he speaks straight to me.

so thats where i am at. the break was absolutely fantastic. so needed and so good! and no, i wasnt ready to come back. but, life moves on and i am back! its a very bittersweet hello.

i know i put this hymn on here alot, but these words are so ture. i feel my heart just cling to them as i read the promising words...

"O Love that wilt not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in thee;
I give thee back the life I owe,
That in thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.

O light that followest all my way,
I yield my flickering torch to thee;
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in thy sunshine's blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be.

O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.

O Cross that liftest up my head,
I dare not ask to fly from thee;
I lay in dust life's glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be"

on an unbelievably more exciting note, i have the best. news. ever! i have been given the most incredible opportunity to spend this whole summer in Thailand! i am beyond excited! i have been wanting to go overseas for a while now and the Lord has been so faithful in answering that specific prayer of mine. i am so excited about the team i am going with, the staff that is leading it, and all the opportunities to grow along the way. one of which being support raising! i am beginning that processes as i type. i am in the middle of working on my support letters which are to be sen out by the end of this week. i am so anxious to see how this whole process goes and excited to see my trust in the Lord deepen! oh my gosh i cant wait to get there!!!

until next time....


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