So lately I have had this reoccurring picture in my mind of Roots. I have this idea of how I want to be, I just dont know how to be it.
I want to be rooted. I want to be deeply grounded in my faith and in my character.
However, before I get into my predicament, I must explain myself. I feel so trapped by my alter-ego sometimes. I have this free spirited side to me that wants to forget everything that has anything to do with rules and just live. That side of me wants to skip class everyday and just be outside taking pictures or painting (neither of which I actually do). But then I have this other side that wants to live by my planner. It loves having things set in stone and thrives on goals. And this is where my problem comes in. Those two are constantly at war.
Sometimes I feel like that planner, goal oriented, "Stacy" side of me is actually sin within me. Like when I feel like the Lord is calling me to stop what I am doing and just pray, but I dont because, heaven forbid I get behind schedule. But then I also feel like my free spirited, artsy, "Leyla" side of me is sometimes sin because I will just avoid responsibility and such to selfishly spend the day by myself doing whatever I want to do. I feel like I am a walking contradiction.
This is all coming out because of what I did today. I just got back from spring break and so I have 3 bags to unpack, 2 loads of laundry to do, a car to clean out, and school. Instead of doing all that though, after class I went to the state park here and just journaled. It was so needed. I have to figure out how to balance Stacy and Leyla.
I have realized though that to balance them, I have to fully understand them. They are not two personalities contradicting each other, they are two facets of my personality that complement each other. God has given me an incredibly driven spirit and that is a great thing. He has also given me an extremely go-with-the-flow personality and that is great too. When I learn to see them each as a blessing and learn to control both is when I will be able to be Stacy and Leyla simultaneously. I will be able to be the Abby that God created me to be. And the only way I will be able to be the full Abby is when I am fully grounded, or rooted, in Christ.
So all this is to say that I have realized to be effective, to have a ministry, to enjoy being myself, to really love life, I have to first know myself which means I have to first know my Father. I want my life to be a reflection of the Gospel, but in order to do that, I have to know its Author. I have to have a deep and solid understanding of who I am built off of. I want my roots to be deep in the Lord.