today is the first day i have felt like blogging since before Christmas conference...
i have about 3 months of stuff in my head/heart so it should be interesting to see how this all comes out. i have been forcing myself to blog, but none are ok to post because they are a little too personal.. and by little i mean WAY.
as i have talked with older people about my life recently, they have ALL said the same thing and let me tell you something.... IT PISSES ME OFF. every. single. older. person. i have talked to says in some form or fashion 'Oh dont stress about that! stop worrying! the Lord will make it all clear to you!' in which i want to say...
ARE YOU EVEN HUMAN!??!!!?! how bout you think back to when you had 5 weeks left in college and had NO FREAKING CLUE what you wanted to do with you life... how did you feel? did you feel calm? did you feel at peace? did you feel worry free? ya. thats what i thought. so why the hell are you telling me to 'not worry about anything'?!
instead i just do the mature thing and laugh and say 'oh i know...' when really i want to punch them in the face.
these past 3 months have been a huge ball of blaudgalkdsjf. i am stressed. i am so confused. i feel like i am looking for one freaking mustard seed in the pacific ocean. i am anxious. i am exhausted. and i am not trusting the Lord at all because i feel like i have nothing to trust.
i think that the past 3 months, the Lord has been turning the heat up and i have maintained by boil-overs thus far, but in the past 4 days i have had a constant boil over that has been uncontrollable haha and i am very certain the Lord intended me to have them at this very time.
i went to dinner last night with a younger girl that means so much to me. i've done a biblestudy with her and some other girls before and it has been so neat seeing her grow as much as she has in the past year. when we sat down last night she just vented about how confused with life she is right now. she asked me questions like How do you discern Gods will for you life? How do you figure out what you are supposed to do with your life? When people tell you 'well just get in the word and the Lord will reveal his purpose' what does that even mean? How do you really study the Word? and the questions went on and on and on... and i just sat there, half wanting to cry and half wanting to burst into laughter because i am asking myself those same exact questions.
what is Gods will for my life?
how do i figure out how to do what i love, do what i am good at, and do what God has for me? and how do all those mesh into one THING?
am i really in Gods will right now?
i keep going to the Word for answers, but i leave more confused. is there a right and wrong way to study the Word?
and on and on and on....
but as i began to talk with her and tell her about everything i have been going through recently, show her scripture that i have read recently, and laugh about the way we think... i realized that without even knowing it- the Lord has been giving me answers. the Lord has been comforting me. the Lord has been guiding me.
i have been so blinded by my desire to figure it out, that i havent been able to see the Lord unfolding his will right before my eyes. that being said, i still dont agree with EVERYONE who keeps saying be calm, dont worry, Gods got it... God gave us emotions and i have every intention of using them. this is not a calm/worry free time of life. BUT to lose sight of faith in my worrying is where i have gone wrong.
i have been SO consumed with worrying that i had begun to just give up. i had almost gotten the point of - screw it. im just gonna do whatever the heck i want. instead of saying -
Lord i am FREAKING OUT. but i bet Noah was freaking out when you told him to build an ark when there was no rain. and i bet Jonah was freaking out when he was sitting in the belly of whale. and i bet Joseph was freaking out when he had to go to the King and interpret his dreams and then help run a country. and i bet Daniel was freaking out when thrown into a lions den. and i bet Ruth was freaking out when she chose to stay with Naomi even though she really had no reason to. and i bet Mary was freaking out when you told her that she, as a virgin, was going to conceive a child. and i bet that Mary Magdalen was freaking out when she came to mourn over you and you were not in the tomb. and, if we're being honest, i bet you were freaking out when your own father commanded you to lay your life down on that cross. so here i am- laying down my desires on my own cross and begging you to show me what it is you have for me in this short life.
i was re-reading THIS and was reminded of alot of truths i have become numb and blind to... i HATE the idea of limitation. i hate thinking that i cannot do something because someone told me i cant. i hate thinking that there are parts of living that i wont get to experience because someone told me i cant or because its not ok for me to do. really. i HATE that.
but i had lost sight of the TRUTH and the FREEDOM that the Lord is giving me. i had began to see certain aspects of my family, of my friends, of certain relationships, and of my own self as boxing me in and keeping me from things. and i have been angry. REALLY angry. and when the Lord finally turned the heat all the way up over spring break (which btw was THE GREATEST SPRING BREAK EVER!!!!!!! hands. down. AMAZING! blog about that to come soon!) anyways.. when the Lord really broke me over spring break, i came back and realized how desperately i need to go back to square 1 and restart.
i need to go back to what i know. i need to go back to the posts that make up that fence of freedom. i have to preach to myself every morning that God is GOOD. that God is sovereign. that God is faithful, my rock, in control, here for my good, and merciful, loving, gracious, and forgiving. now what of all that sounds confining? none. but i have to get my heart back to believing those truths.
... music is always what helps me the most. usually not christian music, because i honestly think 'christian music' is annoying, predictable, and cheesy. (and sung by people with NO sense of style) HOWEVER, this song has been on repeat the past week and the words are applicable to someone going through a transition like i am, or something as serious as death. and what they say in this video is what i feel like the Lord has recently done in my heart...
Every week I hear a story of a miracle
And if I’m honest I’m tired of seeing none at all
I don’t need to see a dead man come alive
All I want is you to fill me up inside
I need You Lord
Even more than the air I breathe
I need You Lord
I need You Lord
Every minute of every day
I need You Lord
Today I’m asking for a miracle
Anything you got God big or small
I don’t need to see the cancer go away
All that I want is to know that it will be ok
I need you I need you