im reading this book called "the knowledge of the Holy" by A.W.Tozer... its pretty far over my head, so even though i started it at the beginning of this semester, i am only on chapter 7. just to give you a little perspective- the chapters are all 4 pages long.
recently, there has been so. much. going on in my life that has just been cumulating to a mass of frustration. things that im not really going to write about, but that have been a mixture of maddening, exciting, annoying, frustrating, mysterious, pin-pointing, stressful, revealing, and confusing. and when you have a couple things happen, close together, that leave you with those same emotions.... its like a volcano of emotions just waiting to erupt.
so, knowing myself and how i deal with my emotions, i've been begging the Lord to give me clarity on what he is trying to teach me right now and to find joy in all this as opposed to get pissed off and shut down like i
sometimes usually do...
so the chapter that i read today was such a comfort, but also such a frustration. more so of a comfort though. its titled the Eternity of God. in it Tozier says,
"We who live in this nervous age would be wise to meditate on our lives and our days long and often before the face of God on the edge of eternity. For we are made for eternity as certainly as we are made for time, and as responsible moral beings we must deal with both... 'He hath set eternity in their hearts', said the preacher, and i think he here sets forth both glory and the misery of men. to be made for eternity and forced to dwell in time is for mankind a tragedy of huge proportions. all within us cries for life and permanence, and everything around us reminds us of mortality and change. yet that God has made us of the stuff of eternity is both a glory yet to be realized and a prophecy yet to be fulfilled...."
i love that i serve a loving Savior that knows my life. that knows my beginning. that knows my end. and that knows all that is in between. i love that knowing all that would be in between, he hung on a cross so that when my end comes- it would be a joyful day. i really do love that....
i really dont like that. i really dont like that he knows my future and doesn't make certain things clear to me. i really dont like that he knew my future when i was in the past and still allowed certain things to happen. i really dont like that he knows things about me that i dont even know about myself. sometimes i feel like he is keeping my own secrets from me. i really dont like that...
earlier in the chapter Tozier spoke of Moses when he was writing Psalm 90 and how "in it he celebrates the eternity of God. to him, this truth is a solid theological fact..."
Psalm 90: 12-17 has, unknowingly, been my prayer over the past few weeks. maybe even months....
"So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom...
Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love,
that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.
Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,
and for as many years as we have seen evil.
Let your work be shown to your servants,
and your glorious power to their children.
Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us,
and establish the work of our hands upon us;
yes, establish the work of our hands!
- Psalm 90: 12-17
teach us to number our days..... so- teach me to live with eternity on my heart. knowing that the things of this world or temporary. important, but temporary. understanding that my frustration is in the flawed perfection that my soul knows it craves. the Lord has "made [me] of the stuff of eternity" so my soul longs for perfect communion with him that isn't going to come this side of heaven...
i dont really know where all this leaves me. maybe more confused than when i sat down. but also more encouraged and, maybe, not alot, but a little less frustrated than when i sat down too.