Thursday, November 10, 2011

?


there are so many things i would rather be doing, or rather be at than here....

how nice would it be to be sitting on that porch, cuddled up in a quilt, sippin' on some hot chocolate with my family all around?

sounds pretty nice, right? i don't know if its because im sitting in a coffee shop, pretty cold, and listening to bon iver that im wanting to do this even more than normal, but it just sounds like it would be a litte break of heaven....

this semester i have felt SO over committed. and i have been. i like to think that i am invincible, that i can help everyone and that i need no help. i also like to think that i can do anything and everything that i want to do and need to do and do it all well.

but, even though i already knew that i cant do any of that, i still try. and this semester, i really did myself in... living in that way only breeds a greater want for dependence on someone or something - which then makes me try to be independent ever more and the cycle just keeps going....

i think i finally reached my breaking point. or, the Lord finally humbled me and showed me how everything about that excludes him, and i am now left wanting dependency more than ever before. but because i have no extended period of time, i cant fulfill that craving for dependency with quality time with Jesus so i feel like i keep looking for it in all these other things and so that brought me to this breaking point... and i dont know if its apathy, or defensiveness, or what that im feeling.... i just know im ready for a good, long, break.

i am so looking forward to this christmas break to just, simply, be. to spend time, i mean quality time, with my family. to relax. to enjoy just being. not worrying about being "on" or about responsibilities, or meetings, or dinners, or paperwork, or giving rides, or having to schedule every meal with different people, or trying to use every last second of the day so that the next day wont be as stressful even though i know, inevitably, it will be....

but the funny thing is, after about 3 days of that over christmas break, i know ill be sick of relaxing, and ill be DYING to be busy again. i will be trying to figure out friends i could grab a meal with, ill be doing everything i can to be in the midst of hecticness and chaos because i love it.

so thinking about a whole month of a break has brought me to some funny questions about myself. questions that i dont really even know how to word, because i dont really know what im trying to ask. i've just recently come across so many paradoxical things in my way of thinking and its been fascinating...


lately, as in the last 3ish months, i have been wanting to go on a sabbatical of some sort. all on my own. anywhere. just to pack the bare essentials and go. there are so. many. things. going on in my head and my heart that i cannot, for the life of me, figure out. and it just seems like it makes since to get away. to get away from every influence surrounding me, and sometimes i feel like suffocating me, and just... i dont know.... figure me out.

oh what i would give to be in that jeep, bon iver blaring, chunky scarf on, camera in hand, cell phone off, with those mountains in sight, knowing i was about to spend some much needed time with Jesus, my bible, my journal, and myself....


figuring yourself out is a strange thing. everyone wants to figure themselves out, but you know you will never be able to since you are always changing, but you still do everything you can. you try to put it in words, you try to talk it through... and right when you think you have it- life throws a curve ball and changes you, maybe a big change and maybe a small change, but a change happens because life happened. and then your left back at square one, wondering....

who am i? how did i get here? am i who i want to be? am i doing what i want most to be doing?

abc.

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