breaking down.

this has been a whirl wind of a week.

the way project is set up, theres not much down time. you are constantly being fed with all kinds of information, working (for some haha), hanging out.... theres no time to really sit down and really let it all sink in. and when your the type person i am... if it has to do with people- you cant say no! so i feel like i am constantly going, going, going. and im not complaining! i absolutely love it.

there is a problem in that though. i am really bad at taking time for myself. time for myself to just get away, be with the Lord, digest everything, and chill. so i have all this information, conviction, excitement.... on my mind/heart and it seems to all hit me at once. that was this week.

on monday i went and met with my d-group (not the girls im leading, but the one im in) and when they asked me how i was doing.... it was like they pressed that one button. it just alllll hit me. and i lost it! i just cried and cried haha.

the Lord has done something really neat in my heart. i have gotten to the point where i really HATE sin. ive never hated it before... ive not liked it and known i needed to deal with it, but i have never absolutely despised my sin and been disgusted by it. and i finally got to that point. but when i got there it was SO overwhelming because where do i go from there? i know i can never be sin-free. so i just cried because i didn't know what else to do.

and that was when i really got to see such a cool picture of what the body of Christ does. without hesitating i had 3 girls ready to give me scripture, pray with me, encourage me, and just love me. it was so neat. all 3 of them had 3 or 4 verses for me and such encouraging words. one of the girls, christine, told me something ive heard but never REALLY heard....

"Glance at your sin, but GAZE at the cross"

i love that. it was so comforting to hear. and since then it has been so neat... i feel like i just cant get enough of Christ. it was like i needed that break down to break the wall of i-have-it-all-together-ness to really get to the heart of things- to really see my desperate need for Christ.

in the talk this week Seth explained what the body is like in a way that had ever donned on me... he said when you step on a nail you dont have to think- ok i am going to shift my weight to m other leg. now i need to use my eyes and look for somewhere to sit down. ok now i need to make my arm go out to help ease myself down to that chair. ok now i need to bend my knee..... no. when you step on a nail all of your body reacts immediately and goes into action, in its own specific way, to help that one foot.

it was like a million light bulbs went off. and i got to see that happen. Lo didnt even wait for me to finish before she had already pulled out her Bible and opened it and was waiting for me to finish so that she could encourage me. and as soon as she finished both other girls had scripture too. they didnt even think about it- they knew part of the body was hurting and they jumped right into action.

it was just really cool and so encouraging. and since then, i have had the BEST week! i really have. i have had some one on one's that have been SO encouraging, gotten to hang out with alot of awesome people, i got to go out on the beach yesterday with 2 friends and share with some people and it was incredible, i got kicked out of the track last night which was AWESOME, and most importantly i have just been so filled and satisfied with the Lord.

i dont want to grow complacent though. my prayer is that God would continue this work in me and show me more and more of Himself.

Prayer Request:

-we have the Employee Social tonight! pray that all the employees that come would get to experience the acceptance and just fun that is found in the body of Christ

-its been 3 weeks now and the excitement of getting to project is kind of wearing off... pray that all of us stay focused and continue to rely on the Lord

-pray for intentional conversations at work.

thanks for all the prayers thus far!

abc.

to my daddy.

well todays a complicated blog. its my moms birthday and its also fathers day. i decided that since anyone who reads this blog already knows how much i love, appreciate, and hope to be like my mom- i would blog to my daddy today. not because i dont have anything to say to my wonderful mother on her birthday, but because i have alot to say to my dad. so happy birthday mom, i love you so much!

i have barely begun typing this blog and i've already teared up because i dont know how i am going to put all i want to say into words.

i love my dad. i have the utmost respect for my dad. my dad is the most incredible man i have ever met.

this past week the Sanford staff guy, Ryan Akers, gave a talk called Position in Christ. the whole talk was about how our view of God affects our actions to God. he really emphasized how many times God is referred to as Father in the Bible and opened his talk by getting us to journal through how we feel about our own father...

....i love my dad so much. he has given me such a perfect way of - or way to understand God as my shepherd. Dad has guided me, provided for me, cared for me, and protected me with everything in him. My dad has NEVER withheld any love for me.... he is so unconditional. ive never once doubted my dads love for me...

thats just a little of what i put down.. and dad its so true. you really have enabled me to have a better understanding of Christ by the way you love me. you have shown me what it means to LOVE my heavenly Father. you have taught me what it means to WANT to respect the name i represent. you have taught me what it means to have a vision, to pursue a passion, to be committed whole heartedly to something, and what it means to love unconditionally. dad you have taught me so much about Christ just by walking faithfully with him over the years. more than i could ever put into words.

whoever my Isaac is has a lot to live up to! i want my children to have a father that loves them like you have loved me. i want my kids to LOVE calling God 'Father' because they have such a beautiful picture set before them by their earthly father.

there has not been one big moment in my life that you have not been there for and i appreciate that so much daddy.

this is by far my most favorite place in the world... in my daddys arms. there is no place that i feel more loved or protected than in your arms. and how blessed am i that i can say that!

you have always supported me in everything. even if it only lasted for like, a month :)

every sporting event, every pep-rally, every birthday, everything..... you've been there.

i laughed when i found this one... my first REAL date! i was so nervous haha. and you were there for that too. laughing and joking with me the whole time dad.

my first school dance.... awkward.

i wish i had pictures on my computer from all the places you have taken me. Alaska, California, all our family vacations.... you have been so selfless over the years to give all 5 of us a childhood that i wouldn't trade for the world.

Dad, i cant wait for all the firsts still to come. i cant wait to see you at the end of the summer and get that hug that i miss so much. i cant wait to finally get to talk to you and know who my Isaac is. i can not wait for you to walk me down the isle. i cant wait for you to move me into my new place at auburn. i cant wait till God puts more trials in my life and i get to have more sit-down talks with you. i cant wait to see you walk Tanner and Luke through life teaching them to be men of God. i cant wait till you get to hold one of my kids and look at them and love them in the way you do Ellie Jane and John. i cant wait to get to heaven and thank God for giving me you. i cant wait to face all the rest that God has in store for you and me to go through.

im just sitting in starbucks crying because i really can NOT wait for these things and more to happen! it would be absolutely impossible for me to put into words how much i love you dad. you have been the perfect shepherd for me, keeping your staff close at hand to protect me.

thank you for the way you have guided me, given me wisdom, raised me, walk with me, fought for me, prayed for me, loved be and provided for me. i will forever be thankful.

i love you daddy and happy fathers day.

abc.

week 2.

i dont even know where to start. i wish i could just have a thingy that transposed everything in my heart onto paper so i could keep up. o my gosh i am learning so much.

i am having so much fun too! i am so thankful for the girls in my room and how fun they are. i am also so thankful for the overall vibe of project... everyone is just so much fun!

i love how i relate to each girl in my room. we each have such different stories, different testimonies, different personalities.... but overall we are really similar. we have alot of the same struggles and the same insecurities and im so thankful for that because it makes it that much better to hold one another accountable because in doing that we hold ourselves accountable too.

i really like watching courtney, ragan, and lynze interact. its hilarious.

usually it consist of courtney talking about something random and of course ending with "its cool. thats fine." (hahhaha you know you do it!) and then ragan screaming something at her about being "Nay Nay the Dumb Dumb" and lynze laughing at them probably thinking 'i am surrounded by insane people!'

we really do have so much fun.

the other night lynze and i got to paint together! she and i have a lot of passions in common. we both LOVE to create. to imagine. to put unexpected things together and make it work. we have had many a photo-shoots, but ill get to that later....

we painted this to put on our gosh awful white walls and its probably my favorite thing in our room....

that is by far one of my favorite songs. the words are so ture and such good reminders of my Fathers love for me....

"He is jealous for me,

Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,

Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.

When all of a sudden,

I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,

And I realise just how beautiful You are,

And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,

Oh how He loves us,

How He loves us all

Yeah, He loves us,

Oh! how He loves us,

Oh! how He loves us,

Oh! how He loves.

We are His portion and He is our prize,

Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,

If grace is an ocean, weÂ’re all sinking.

And Heaven meets earth like an unforseen kiss,

And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,

I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,

When I think about, the way…"

those words are so powerful to me. its so good to be reminded of that love every time i walk in out room!

another thing fun about living with 3 other girls is i have 3x the amount of clothes! we all share clothes, jewelry, perfume, shoes.... its great!

this is just a little idea of what its usually like in our room.......... ridiculous.

i love that i am living at the beach! it is awesome! last year in myrtle beach..... it just wasnt the same as this gorgeous gulf! going out to the beach is the perfect place for one on ones, beach volley ball, uno, laying out, evangelism, and just hanging out! so after a long day of job searching we got to enjoy the sun and try to get a tan while in our awesome one pieces.

by the way, the life guards call us "the one piece group" ...... awesome.

so i mentioned earlier that we have had many a photo shoots..... well this was by far one of the funniest things that has happen at project thus far.

lynze and i were painting our legit picture and i was waiting for the paint brush she was using.. courtney happened to have my camera and so for some reason i decided to paint my face with the brush i had while waiting for the other one.. well that escalated quickly.

before i know it, lynze decides to paint my face like a tribal indian. then we both decided it would be a good idea to fro my hair! then it just made sense to have a photo shoot. but before the photo shoot could begin we had to have all the girls in the room so i decided to wake up sweet little Ray Ray..... needless to say- she loved it.

im pretty sure she and courtney both had nightmares that night. it was epic.

another thing i have been learning is what it means to be resourceful. i had the brilliant idea to cook a good, homemade dinner for my girls! so i go to the store, stock up on everything i thought i needed, and came back to start cooking. what i didn't realize was to cook pasta you need a pot you can boil water in. and to cook chicken you need a skillet of some sort. and to cook rolls you need a sheet pan.... the list goes on.

so i tried to cook a whole pot of pasta in a little saucer type pan.... you know the small pan you would pour like milk into to make hot chocolate... ya that one. i had to stand by the pasta for about 25 min and every time the water would boil over (like every 30 seconds) id have to take it off the heat, let it stop boiling then put it back on.

and that was just the pasta.

it was so funny! but i actually turned out pretty good and we had a great d-group over some good homemade food! .......with slightly crunchy noodles.

i feel so blessed to be down here. i really am so thankful for being able to receive such important training. its neat to think that when SBP is over, i can never go back to how i was before. whats more is i have experienced so much of Christ already i dont want to go back to how i was. i just want to grow more.

the verse that i am really claiming for this summer is....

"And I, when I came to you, brothers,

i did not come proclaiming to you the testimony of God

with lofty speech or wisdom.

For I decided to know NOTHING among you

except Jesus Christ and him crucified.

And I was with you in weakness and in fear and much trembling,

and my speech and my message were not in plausible words of wisdom,

but in DEMONSTRATION of the spirit and of power,

that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men,

but in the POWER of God."

1 Corinthians 2:1-5

thats what i want for my girls. thats what i want for myself. thats what i was for all of Ft. Walton, Destin, and really the rest of the world to experience.

not a whole bunch of christians with the "im holier than thou" type attitude. no. i want my girls to know that i am WITH THEM in weakness, in my fears, in my insecurities, in my failures... but in them seeing that- i want them to also see me FIGHTING to know more of the power of God.

i want to demonstrate a spirit of power in fighting those things.... thats when the gospel will be effective and go out- when i -we- realize that we are NOTHING until we have Christ. i cannot rest in my own wisdom because it will fail me every time. instead i have to remind myself that my Fathers love is like a hurricane and that he is jealous for my soul. that should be my motivation. that should be the gospel that compels me. that should be my motivation and the passion of my heart....

Prayer Request:

- only one more of my girls does not have a job. pray for Ragan and that she would get to see the Lord provide for her.

- pray that as the 3 of us start out at work that right off the bat, our co-workers would see Christ in us and that we would outdo them in love.

- this weekend was the evangelism conference... pray that the talks would echo in the hearts of everyone on project and that we would all be unashamed of the Gospel and go out and share out faith with the lost.

thanks for all your prayers so far!!

abc.

beauty.

there are so many moments that i wish i could capture in a picture. and there are so many times i wish i could use just one word to describe what is going on in my life or what i am seeing. simplicity is always best. this morning has been one of those mornings where i wish i could use just one word to describe the whole thing because if i were to ramble about it- it would take away from its beauty.

this morning was surreal.

this morning was beautiful.

this morning, i felt the presence of my Father.

i got up at 4:30 this morning to go with some girls and watch the sun rise and pray. it was incredible. we went out to a pier in the bay and watched as the sun barely peaked over the land on the other side of the water and just had sweet fellowship until it was too hot to stay any longer.

i wish i could paint the beauty i got to see. but that would be impossible.

i feel like God used this morning to really encourage me. i have already started to feel drained and like a was running really low on fuel. but i feel so recharged. just getting to see something as beautiful as the orange and red sunrise this morning was enough...

i also got to get in the word with quite a few people. with one of my disciples we read

Joel 2: 12-13...

"Yet even now," declares the Lord,

"'return to me with ALL your heart,

with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning;

and rend your hearts and not your garments.;

Return to the Lord your God,

for he is gracious and merciful,

slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love;

and he relents over disaster."

i got so much out of studying this verse... the girl that i studied this with pointed out how much she loved that it said "yet even now..." it was so neat to be reminded of my Fathers unconditional love for me.

its like he was saying regardless of where your at now, regardless of where you've been or what you've done--come to me now.

thats one of my most favorite things about christianity. thats what separates it from every other religion in the world. in every other religion they believe that their god is this all-powerful being that in order to commune with him, you must first cleanse yourself and get all your crap together.... christianity is the exact opposite. Christ says to come as we are. we wants us to come to him when we are most broken, lost, hurt, confused, and just run-down. its then that his power can be most exemplified. its when we come to him at our worst that 2 Corinthians 12 is seen in full swing...

"my grace is SUFFICIENT for you, for my power is made PERFECT in weakness... for when i am weak, then i am strong."

what an encouragement thats been to me. i feel so inadequate. i feel so unqualified to lead my girls just because i know how much sin i have in my heart. but that is whats so beautiful about every person here at project and just believers in general. God doesn't ask me to be perfect, he asks me to be vulnerable so that others can see his perfection and glory through my short-comings.

i am so thankful for that.

abc.

week 1.

it has officially been one week... and i have a feeling this summer is going to be incredible. i have learned so much already and cannot wait to see what else the Lord has for me.

for a brief update:

my room is AWESOME. i absolutely love my girls. each one is so unique. it is amazing to see Gods hand in each of their lives and how he is working in and through each one of them. since we love each other so much....

we like to keep pretty much all of project up with our tunes...

(this is when courtney was trying to teach ragan the "stanky leg". the music was on as loud as it could go, all our windows and doors were open, and we were literally screaming at the top of our lungs....)

just to give you an idea of how ridiculous we really were being, today i had a guy come up to me who lives 3 doors down and ask me if we "ever turn our swag off" because we had kept him up the past 3 nights! i felt so bad, but i was also somewhat proud haha

then me and my girls went out job hunting.... again. we did a whole lot of this....

we counted, we filled out over 21 applications, visited over 63 stores, and have called at least 15 stores. annnnd we still are jobless. its all good though because i am provided with tons of entertainment in the car going from place to place.

one of my girls drives a mini van. awesome i know. anyways, my girls like to pretend like they are my little kids and call me mommy. and since we were in a mini van i think that increased their hilarity in acting.....

here they are fighting while screaming "mommy courtney hit meeeee' and 'mommy ragan wont stop looking at me' and 'mommy are we there yet?!'

it is absolutly hilarious. THEN courtney found out there was a dvd player in the mini van and flipped out.

we decided to take a nice break after being turned down for the 10 millionth time and get a good family picture in while by the gorgeous water...

they really are such amazing girls. i am so blessed to have them in my dgroup. ill come back to that topic later though....

another thing that we have done since we got down here is beach olympics. i think they should do it every week because it was AWESOME. they have all these games that all the teams compete against each other in. they also pick 4 of some of the most competitive girls and 4 of some of the most competitive guys and make them "gladiators". i was honored with being a gladiator and it was so much fun. all that meant was that i was neutral in every fight....

i wish i could have gotten more pictures but i didnt want to take my camera out there so unfortunatly i missed one of the prettiest things i have ever seen. while we were on the beach competing a HUGE storm was on its way in. we got to stand on the beach and just watch the storm come in. there is no way to explain the beauty. but it was awesome.

this is courtney and i after beach olympics and the big storm...

it really was so much fun. and i am so incredibly sore.

now that you have an idea of what we have been up to, i really want to tell you about what all has REALLY been going on.

_______________________________________________

it is so neat to me to see how quickly friendships are built when built on the right foundation. i have gotten to know so many incredible people, both girls and guys, that within the first 5 min of our conversation i feel somewhat challenged in my walk with God and i love it!

the girls in my d-group have been incredible. i really wanted each of us to be vulnerable with each other so that true growth could occur and they have blown me away. each one of them has been so faithful to really let each of us in while we meet and really be open about where they are at. it is totally a God thing. there is no possible way that i could have asked for anything better.

with that being said, i have really been having a hard time figuring out what it means to be their "leader". i have gotten to be such good friends with each of them that it was hard to find the line of being their friend and their leader. but then it occurred to me that thats exactly what i need to do.... be their friend. its so simple. the best form of discipleship is like that that Christ did which was life-on-life. i want the girls in my room to see me being a normal, 20 year old, college girl, with all the same issues, insecurities, problems, questions, fears, passions..... as they do and in them seeing that see me also set the example for them and hopefully challenge them in the ways that they deal with each thing.

i am so far from perfect. i am so far from being prepared for this responsibility this summer. but i know God will use me. when i mess up, when i am selfish and dont think for my girls first, when i do actually say the right thing, or when i say the totally wrong thing- i know God will use it in some way.

_______________________________________________

one of the talks the other night was on Enjoying God. there was a quote by some guy and in it he said,

"there is a God shaped vacuum

in the heart of every person

and it can never be filed

by any created thing.

it can only be filled by God,

made known through Jesus Christ"

i love that last line... "made known THROUGH Jesus Christ" regarding my girls, myself, and every person i come in contact with this summer, there is absolutely nothing i can do to change a heart. nothing. there is no way for me to explain to anyone or even myself what it means for Christ to truly satisfy. the only way for a heart change to happen is THROUGH Jesus Christ.

i have felt SO inadequate to lead these girls. i have so many sins i am dealing with that i was like, 'God why did ii decide to do this?! i am soooo not ready!!' but this truth is so comforting. I WILL NEVER BE READY. the only way for me to be effective for the Kingdom is for me to be solely and completely reliant on Christ. i am useless if i try to do it on my own. i have to be humbled by that truth in order to be a vessel.

____________________________________________

i really wish that i could go through every talk and write to you about what God has been teaching me, but its either too personal or way too long. so i am really having to pick and choose.....

________________________________________________

another thing that has been going on is my fast. i knew i wanted to do this when i got down here but i didn't know when.

last summer i tried to fast from food. it was an EPIC fail. it was the worst day of my life. i have never felt so distant from God or been so angry, emotional, and just hungry. awful. but i really wanted to fast from something because i love what fasting is.

Emily Walker gave the "modesty" talk the other night and it was the best one of those type talks i have ever heard. and i have heard hundreds. literally. she was so open and so honest. God really used her to speak to alot of different girls.

so when we got back, my d-group and i had an incredible conversation about the insecurities and desires we each have. i was able to really open up and talk to them about how much makeup has become an idol for me.

if i dont feel like i look cute, i have a horrible day. if i dont have my makeup on, i am so insecure! and after talking to them alot about it, God really lead me to the conviction of what to fast from. makeup. and omg it has been so neat! i never realized how much of my identity i placed in the way i look. God really has been teaching me alot about what it means to have the adorning on the inside and not the out. i am learning so much of what it means to really be confident in Christ and who he made me to be.

(with that being said- i cannot wait for these next 2 days to be over so i can wear my makeup again because i just miss putting it on! i love it! haha)

this really is the smallest bit possible of what all has been going on. there is SO much more.

Prayer Request:

1. pray that the students on project would be provided with jobs.

my d-group and i still have no jobs and there are lots more that dont either....

2. pray that i am continually reminded of the freeing truth that i will be effective for the Kingdom only when relying solely on Christ.

3. and lastly- pray that each student on project would continue to grown and deepen their relationship with Christ.

thanks for the prayers so far!!

abc.

Summer Beach Project 2010.

Well… I am officially in my home away from home… The Sandman Motel. Let me just give you a quick background on the ol’ Sandman…. It is repossessed by the bank, which means no one has lived here for OVER 5 MONTHS. Let me just tell you, this smell is indescribable. SBP’10 will be keeping Fabreez in business this summer to say the least. And I don’t even like fabreez. Here is a lovely shot of our room before we set up…… and PS, this makes it look really good.

On a more positive note, we got here yesterday and I am already SO pumped. What an incredible summer I, and so many others are going to have. (i would post pictures but the internet is way slow...)

I mean, a guy greeting in a hotdog suit…..Some bonding over bowling….

I am really excited for a couple new reasons:

Ill start with the fact that everyone I have met so far has been so kind and so ready for true conversation. As social as I am, most would think this would never be a worry or insecurity of mine, but I have been so nervous about coming and not knowing any body. And I mean nervous. I had met most of the roomleaders/teamleaders at a retreat we had, but i didn’t think they would remember me… ill come back to this topic though….

Another thing that has been incredible just in the pat 48 hours of me being here is the unbelievable encouragement I have been fed spiritually. The talks by the staff have been so challenging and so filled with truth. But more than that just in conversations I have been so encouraged. Ill be talking with someone and the conversation will go from ‘wait what school are you from?’ to ‘so what is God doing in your life?’ or ‘what are some fears you have about this summer that you can really lay down at Christ’s feet?’ …. Really?! That’s what im going to be around all summer?! Yes puhlease! I love it. What a blessing it is to be in such a strong community of believers.

I love the girls in my d-group. (one girl in my d-group is also keeping a blog! Check it out HERE for another perspective…. ) I love the people on my team. And I cannot wait to get to really know and pour into the girls God has in my room. And I cant wait to just meet every stinkin person on project!

So. Speaking of meeting people. It has been amazing to see how fast satan has gotten to work on me just since being here. He knows something’s up because I can feel him tempting me in SO many ways.

Going back to what I was saying earlier about being insecure… I LOVE people. I feed off of other people. Im one of the biggest people-persons ever. And with all the moving ive done just in the past year I should be a pro at making small talk and getting to know people. Uh no.

Satan has definitely placed a huge insecurity in my heart that I think I am going to have to fight this whole summer. An insecurity that leads me to comparison. I think because I don’t know that many people here I feel the need to prove my spirituality or something. Like I have to prove to them that I am a strong enough Christian to be a leader. What the heck?

And because of that it has been almost difficult for me to really engage in conversations because I am constantly thinking about what I am going to say next….. some would say that’s probably not such a bad thing haha!

I just think it is so amazing that there is already conflict in my heart and my disciples havn’t even gotten here yet. Its scary, cool, challenging, and kind of an indescribable feeling right now. With it only being day 1 and me already seeing this battle for my hearts attention is so scary. Like ITS ONLY DAY 1. I have 9 more weeks! What in the world is satan going to tempt my heart with over the next 9 weeks?! And at the same time its so cool because I am going to KNOW that I am growing. If I fight the sin and resist or if I give into the temptation, whatever it is, I know that God is going to use that to teach me. And that is SO cool. Its also really challenging. Part of me is like ‘Yeah satan! BRING IT ON!!!’ haha and the other side of me is like ‘uh no thanks. You stay over there and leave me alone.’ and that’s where the indescribable feeling comes in. I want so desperately to see the Lord radically work in my life. So part of me wants to look my sin and temptations and fears straight in the eyes and say, ‘I will overcome! You will have NO hold over me because of my love for my Father!’ and I truly want that. I want satan to bring on those hardships simply so I can know more of my God and the power that he possesses. I want to know and see that my God is a consuming fire. But the flip side is that is scary as crap! Why the heck am I praying that satan WOULD tempt me?! And that satan would make me stumble?! Am I going psycho?! Maybe I am, maybe im not. I just want so desperately to see the Lord work in me and through me this summer that if that is what it takes—then that’s what I want.

______________________________________________________

its funny the things that do and do not make me cry. The most random things bring me to tears…. Mighty Joe Young, commercials about babies, what not to wear (I cry at the end of EVERY episode), Extreme Makeover: House Edition, when the girl finally finds her wedding gown on Say Yes to the Dress, certain movies…. I know, im a loser.

Then there are some things that really make me cry and rightfully should… hardships in my friendships, death, goodbyes… normal things haha

But, even though it may not sound like it, I am not really a cry-er. I really don’t cry that much. I really actually don’t know how to handle really emotional people. I would rather just suck it up and move on. I think this is a really good strength of mine, but also a pretty serious weakness.

It’s a strength because I usually hold it together well. It’s a weakness because crying, to me, is something I see for wimps and wimps only. So a lot of times I put on this mask of me being really independent. And lets just be honest, the people that know me know that sho aint true. Im not independent, im stubborn.. anyways what im getting at is sometimes a good cry is needed to convey your passion about that one thing….

I told the girls in my d-group tonight one of my prayers for this summer is that I would be moved to tears because of my realization of Gods power, love, seriousness and compassion. I want to be so filled with the realization of God and his might and his power that I literally fall on my knees and weep because I don’t know what else to do. I want that. I want to be so broken that words will not suffice. I want to be so in awe that I don’t know what else to do but weep.

I also really want my girls to see me broken. Maybe not a hysterical mess ha, but I definitely want them to see me totally in awe of God and what he is doing in my life and in others. I don’t really know how that will look though. I would prefer for my weeping spell to be in private because im just not really ready for everyone to be like ‘oh there goes the cry baby’

Annnnd switching gears again….

Today we got to go out and do some evangelism. Evangelism always rushes so many emotions through me. Excitement, nervousness, fear of rejection, curiosity…. We went to the mall and had a great conversation with a guy named Josh. It was so neat to see how the 3 of us (I went with 2 other people) are at such different points in our lives but we were all united by the Gospel and able to have such a neat and meaningful conversation with a complete stranger. I was really encouraged by it.

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And lastly, tonight. Tonight was a really neat time of fellowship with all the leaders. After evangelism we came back and had dinner and just hung out. Then there was a really sweet time of worship.

Its amazing how you can really feel the presence of God sometimes. I definitely did tonight. I was just really moved when I looked around the room. Here I am, in Destin FL, in a small church with about 25 some odd college students of all different walks of life, about 4 families, and then 4+ staff members. Every person in that room is giving up something to be here this summer. And God brought us all together for one purpose: to bring him glory. It was amazing.

To close we talked about our dreams/prayers for what would happen as aftermath of this project… I am so encouraged to be around people with such amazing visions for the gospel

I am in for the summer of my life and I could not be more excited.

Abc.

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Because we dont have internet at The Sandman Motel, i type at night in word and then just cut and paste it to here when i do get internet. so its lookin like i will update my blog every sunday or monday. since the above post lots has happened!

we had to prepare the Sandman for the arrivals of our disciples so we did this allllll day....

the poor guys. they had to lug mattresses, beds, tv's, shelves, suitcases and more up and down the stairs all day. we literally worked to clean the place up from 8 am till 10:15 that night. it was insane. but, it does look SO much better!

i was so nervous about getting my girls but they are incredible. from left to right:

Me, Courtney Mcalister, Ragan Brock, and Lynze Prater.

seriously, i already love them. we went to dinner the first night and i was blown away at the girls openness. each one was so eager to share their story and why they were here. i know that the Lord is going to do an absolutely incredible work in all of our hearts.

we had our first d-group this morning and, again, it was incredible. the girls really are so open and so hungry. i love it. we were able to sit down and talk about 1 single verse for over 45 min. it was a really sweet time with them and with the Lord.

after that we went out job hunting to say. needless to say, i am exhausted. we went to over 33 different stores and were declined at every single one. being declined is already humbling, but being declined by Walmart, McDonalds, Waffle House, Popeyes, Sonic, KFC, Shoneys, Sonnys, Lennys Subs, Subway, Backyard Burger, Rack Room Shoes, a tanning salon, Big Kahuna, The doughnut Hole and many many more it is just really hard. it was neat to see the way my girls reacted though. i was nervous that they would get frustrated and grumpy because honestly, thats what i wanted to do. but they were so patient about it and were able to make light of the situation cause the whole experience to actually be really fun. we had great bonding time in the car from place to place and quite a few car ride dance partaaaays! it was so great.

Prayer request for me and my room specifically would be:

-the the girls and i would continue to be vulnerable with each other to enable growth

-that each of us would keep our eyes glued on Christ and not be distracted by all that satan puts in front of our eyes

-that we would really just have fun!

something you can pray for the entire project is that jobs would be offered. every single one of us needs to be able to make money and work. pray that God opens up jobs for each student down here.

more to come later!

abc.

comfort.

well, you may be asking yourself 'why is she blogging so much' and the answer is simple. i am home. and at home people go to bed WAY earlier than i am used to. so i journal, procrastinate, and blog till i am somewhat sleepy....

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oh PS: today i had the wonderful opportunity to work with Mrs. LisaAnn Muir-Taylor at Nations Outfitters. check out her site HERE and look for some SUPER cute clothes coming soon!

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....another reason is because i have just been really inspired lately. i am getting SO excited about my summer and all that i know the Lord is going to do. i seriously cannot wait for friday. it is going to be a hard, humbling, insane, beautiful, and transforming summer for so many people and i. am. pumped.

the Lord has been so faithful to really meet with me in my quiet times lately. i think that is due to the fact that i am somewhat freaking out. thinking back on my beach project experience last summer is..... well..... painful.

last summer God literally broke me in every single way possible. he took me out of every comfort zone, he took away everything familiar, he put me with people that were really, i mean really hard to love, and he showed me literally every sin imaginable. o my gosh it was so hard.

so when i think about this summer, and me leading a room.... abkajdflakdjbfa?!?!!

thats about how i feel.

(side note: God really used everything and every person that he did put in my life last summer to teach me some hard, but really neat and needed lessons. i could not be more thankful for last summer and how difficult it was...)

continuing... because of those feelings, i think God is 1. laughing hysterically at me and 2. preparing me for an incredible learning experience.

i feel like every time i have gotten in the Word, God has shown me passage after passage reminding me of his faithfulness and grace. in the verses he has also reminded me of what it means to be a faithful servant.

Matthwew 14:26-27

"...when the disciples saw him....

they were terrified....but IMMEDIATELY Jesus spoke to them, saying, 'Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid."

Matthew 11:28-30

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden,

and I will GIVE YOU REST.

Take my yoke upon you, and LEARN from me,

for I am gentle and lowly in heart,

and you will find REST for you souls.

For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

Joel 3:16b

"...but the Lord is a REFUGE to his people,

A STRONGHOLD to the people of Israel"

Lamentations 3:21-25

"BUT, this i call to mind and therefore i have hope:

the steadfast love of the Lord NEVER ceases;

his mercies NEVER come to an end;

they are new every morning;

GREAT IS YOUR FAITHFULNESS....

the Lord is good to those who WAIT for him,

to the soul who SEEKS him."

Psalm 37:3-6

"TRUST in the Lord, and do good.

dwell in he land and cultivate faithfulness.

DELIGHT YOURSELF IN THE LORD,

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

commit your wait to the Lord;

TRUST in him, and HE WILL ACT.

he will bring forth your righteousness as the light,

and you judgment as the noonday sun."

and there are so many more that the Lord has reminded me of. the Lord is so good.

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throughout the summer i will be posting pictures, giving updates, and sharing prayer request here. if you want to follow my journey through all that the Lord teaches me.... here is where its at!

please pray for the girls that God puts in my room. i am so excited to finally meet them and get to know them in a sweet, sweet way. pray that God works in all our hearts to give us a burning desire for the gospel to go out to the nations.

abc.

love.

recently i feel like i have been bombarded with "love". everywhere i turn someone is falling in love, or meeting the love of their life, or "falling out of love" or some new movie is all about finding THE one... its everywhere! i dont know how i feel about this.

love is such a cool thing to me. i LOVE alot of things. and because of that i dont think i really have a great idea of what love really is.

i LOVE.... the Lord, my family, my friends, sports, being competitive, fashion, neon nail polish, pepper and bear, gossip girl, watches, the lake, chealsey, couture designers, wofford, long hair, swimming, tennis, concerts, auburn, anthropologie, being barefoot, driving by myself, tattoos, roller coasters, the ocean, sun, being outside, shoes!!, makeup, mudding, channel, people watching, dancing, pictures, my new camera, lightening bugs, my home, the smell of rain, braids, my past, tubing, rihanna, new york, bonfires, one tree hill, jimmy choo's, what not to wear, facebook, piercings, creativeness, storms, drive-in movie theaters, music, m.a.c., crazy imaginations, drive-by truckers, rap music, painting, star gazing, holding little babies, day dreaming..... and SO much more.

and if i was to list off the people that i LOVE.... i dont think this entire blog would allow a list so long.

but how can one word be used to describe how i feel about each of those things? and how can one word be used to describe how i feel about the Lord, to how i feel about each individual family member, to each individual friend, to how i feel about a tv show, to how i feel about facebook?! its just kind of confusing.

love is a complicated word... i love it.

one of my friends kinda hints at this in her BLOG. reading this was the tip of the iceberg for me. this was after seeing Letters To Juliet, listening to Paramores new song The Only Exception, and then watching The Bachelorette... i feel like every movie i see and every song i hear is about falling in or out of love. its almost exhausting. no wonder girls start planning their weddings at the age of 2. our culture bombards us with this idea of love.

for so many people my age i think they think of love as this:

i meet this DROP DEAD GORGEOUS man, hit it off instantly. go on like 2 dates, maybe 3 and then it hits me.... he is THE one. no doubt about it. i mean he is smart (so far), he is HANDSOME (utmost importance), he make me laugh, he says he loves his family. im sold. we are getting married. and good thing because i have had my wedding ready for the past 18 years. then a couple months later he gets down on one knee and opens that beautiful tiffany's blue box and BOOM. 2 karat diamond glistening in the candle lit room. then we get married and have a perfect family and live in this beautiful house and its just all smiles all the time. oh and when i wake up every morning, my hair is PERFECT, i have delicious smelling breath, and i am just so happy to be waking up.

seriously. that is what EVERY movie is like. forget reality. forget any normal-life happening. its so unrealistic. so whats my point? i want to know what real love is. i want to experience it. i want my life to be changed because of this "love" that is being thrown at me from every side.

i do get glimpses and tastes of what i think real love is. and i LOVE it when that happens....

the other day my mom, me and my little brother tanner were in the car at a red light. and tanner said the most typical, random, and hilarious thing. he said "sometimes i just wish everyone would die and i could be the only person left on earth to do whatever i want"

(disclaimer... you have to know tanner to understand why i say this is typical. it is NOT typical because he said he wishes everyone would die. its typical because when he said it, he was meaning and thinking something totally different)

he then goes on to clarify and say "if i had the whole world to my self i would just walk down 280 with a huge riffle in my hand and hunt all the time. it'd be so awesome."

i said "if i had the whole world to myself, i would have saks 5th avenue as my closet, and i would have as many christian louboutins as i wanted! gaaaah that would be so awesome."

we both looked at my mom and asked her what she would do if she had the WHOLE world to herself and she laughed and thought for a little while then said, "you know, if i had the whole world to myself i would just want your dad. for me, nothings fun without him"

thats love.

thats this feeling, emotion, life-changing thing that is all around me. except thats what it really is. none of that "oh everything is so perfect and i always look this good" love, but the unconditional, everlasting, true love. thats the kind of love that moves people to tears. and thats the kind of love i want to know.

and i want to know that love in many different ways. im not just talking about with my Issac although i desperately want to know love in that way, but in so many other areas of my life. i want to know that kind of love with my Father, Jesus Christ. i want my life to be changed because of my deep, deep, love for him. i want the relationships i have with each sibling and family member to be an overflow of this kind of love. and i want to love my friends in that way. i want the relationships that i have to have that kind of real love surrounding them. i want my life to be lived fulfilling the passions i have because i truly LOVE doing them.

i dont know all the ways that love can be explained. i am definitely no expert. i am still trying to figure out what love means to me. but i know for a fact that love is not what it is in the movies or in the lyrics of songs.

what my mom said in the car, thats love. after 30 years.... thats an unconditional, everlasting, life-changing love. what God did for me and for you on the cross, that is an unconditional, everlasting, life-changing love. that is the love that i want to define my life.

so. after 20 years, i have a fairly good understanding of what love is. i know of what Christ did for me on the cross, but i want to be moved to tears because of that display of love. and i have seen marriages that exemplify this love, and i know of the sincere love that my family and friends have for me and that i have for them.... i've seen and experienced love, but i cant wait till i REALLY experience it. i cant wait till i know what love, in every aspect of the word is. i cannot wait for the day to come when i can say "now this.... this is love."

abc.

2 decades?

i turned 20 this week. it is so weird to think i have been alive for 2 decades! crazy. i have had the best birthday week too.

i am a BIG fan of birthdays. i mean, its an entire day dedicated to the celebration of one specific person and all that they mean to certain people. its a whole day set aside to celebrate the life of an individual. so i love birthdays... especially when they're mine :)

my birthday week started off great- the end of that dreadful summer school class. then on my birthday i got to have a wonderful lunch with my mom and do some mother/daughter bonding over shopping! its something we love to do together :) i then got to visit Nana and Pop where i got a very desired present... 6 audrey hepburn / carry grant / grace kelly movies. i am a huge fan of the classics. then i was taken to doodles (best ice cream in birmingham) with my good friend Katie and celebrated with her. i then was treated to the most DELICIOUS meal by my mom with (almost) the whole family and my best friend Elizabeth. and then moved on to my personal favorites, cake and presents!

my mom makes a mean cake. seriously, i devoured my piece. maybe thats because presents were waiting, but im pretty sure its because it was that good.

i got some awesome presents complete with a characture picture of my dad skiing?

then came friday. i got to have a great lunch with my awesome Aunt Lisa and mom. i love getting to see my Aunt Lisa because i feel like i am alot like her! she has taken me to get my nails done since i was about 3, but now that our schedules are really different, she still takes the time to do something special for me even if we can't go see Anibell... i really love getting to see her. the rest of friday was my 'celebrate with friends' day. Katie, Elizabeth and i went to dinner at Surin West, an incredible thai restaurant, and had some awesome sushi and noodles. and theeen met up with a whole group of people and checked off items on the list of '20 things for turning 20'.

this list was no ordinary list. it contained tasks such as ask walk into a restaurant and announce your presence LOUDLY, jump in front of someone and act like an angry tiger, walk up to a stranger and pretend they are your best friend, walk into starbucks and sing "the fuuuuun has arriiiiiiived" LOUDLY..... you get the picture. it was great! then we went back to my house where we had some legit story time with my dad....

then today came. me and elizabeth got to spend some awesome time in the Word together and then... drumroll please........ we got to get my camera!!!!

i got a cannon rebel T1i and i am in love. i told my dad he may have created a monster. it is the coolest most awesome camera i have ever held. im obsessed.

all in all i had a phenomenal birthday and i am so thankful for the family and friends i have that love me enough to celebrate it with me.

whats even more fun is its not over! i get to go to 6 flags with a friend on monday, lunch with a friend tuesday, and dinner with a friend wednesday! love love love love love.

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my best friend elizabeth and i had some great talks and time in the word over this weekend. (we were together basically the whole time!)

i have told her numerous times that i am so anxious about this summer. i want the girls that God puts in my room to know that i genuinely care for them and that i passionately want them to know more of the Lord. i want to be able to serve them and help them in their walk. i blogged about this in my last entry, but i am just so anxious. elizabeth and i decided to read through matthew and she was able to really encourage me with this verse....

matthew 10:19

"...do not be anxious how you are to speak or what you are to say, for what you are to say will be given to you in that hour. for it is not you who speak, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you"

it was so good to be reminded that the Lord wants me to depend on him. the Lord wants me to seek him for answers. elizabeth was able to encourage me and remind me that if i am in tune with the Lord, there is no need for anxiety because He will provide. thanks for that iz:)

it was also neat to be able to talk to her about what she is excited/nervous about for this summer. i only hope i was able to encourage her in the way she encouraged me.

i am so excited to see what God does in my life, her life, and the lives of so many others this summer. i am so excited to see the Lord provide for, comfort, break, humble, reveal himself to, and more to each student there. i am also so excited to get to live in that community of believers striving to know more of God. i am excited to see the Lord magnified in the way that he deserves.

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while i was trying to figure my camera out this afternoon i got to stop and just kind of marvel at creation. its something i really dont do too much, but i need to. i think thats one of the reasons i am SO excited to get into photography-- to see life through a whole new lens. (pun intended. for sure.)

i forget how pretty some bugs can be, and i forget how cool moss it, and i forget how intricate bark looks, and i forget how good it smells after it rains, and i forget how good grass on bare-feet feels, and i forget how much i LOVE the sunshine... i just forget.

with how technological my generation is, its easy to be inside almost all day and not realize the beauty that is allllll around me. it was so great to be able to go outside and enjoy every single thing just listed and more. i think photography is going to be a great form of worship for me.

good thing is i am pretty bad right now, so ill get to be 'worshiping' alot in the next year!

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thank you to all my friends and family that made my birthday celebration incredible! i love each of you so much.

most importantly though...

mom and dad, thank you for such an AWESOME birthday. there is no possible way to put into words how much i appreciate all you have given me. not just material things. all the love, guidance, care, structure, rules :), compassion, wisdom, laughs, experiences, vision.... and so much more. you have both provided for me in ways that i could never imagine. thank you. thank you for the past 20 years. thank you for giving me a home and family that i love So so much. thank you for working for all of us in the ways that both of you do. i love you both so incredibly much and i dont say that enough. so thank you. and i love you.

abc.