On a more positive note, we got here yesterday and I am already SO pumped. What an incredible summer I, and so many others are going to have. (i would post pictures but the internet is way slow...)
I mean, a guy greeting in a hotdog suit…..Some bonding over bowling….
I am really excited for a couple new reasons:
Ill start with the fact that everyone I have met so far has been so kind and so ready for true conversation. As social as I am, most would think this would never be a worry or insecurity of mine, but I have been so nervous about coming and not knowing any body. And I mean nervous. I had met most of the roomleaders/teamleaders at a retreat we had, but i didn’t think they would remember me… ill come back to this topic though….
Another thing that has been incredible just in the pat 48 hours of me being here is the unbelievable encouragement I have been fed spiritually. The talks by the staff have been so challenging and so filled with truth. But more than that just in conversations I have been so encouraged. Ill be talking with someone and the conversation will go from ‘wait what school are you from?’ to ‘so what is God doing in your life?’ or ‘what are some fears you have about this summer that you can really lay down at Christ’s feet?’ …. Really?! That’s what im going to be around all summer?! Yes puhlease! I love it. What a blessing it is to be in such a strong community of believers.
I love the girls in my d-group. (one girl in my d-group is also keeping a blog! Check it out HERE for another perspective…. ) I love the people on my team. And I cannot wait to get to really know and pour into the girls God has in my room. And I cant wait to just meet every stinkin person on project!
So. Speaking of meeting people. It has been amazing to see how fast satan has gotten to work on me just since being here. He knows something’s up because I can feel him tempting me in SO many ways.
Going back to what I was saying earlier about being insecure… I LOVE people. I feed off of other people. Im one of the biggest people-persons ever. And with all the moving ive done just in the past year I should be a pro at making small talk and getting to know people. Uh no.
Satan has definitely placed a huge insecurity in my heart that I think I am going to have to fight this whole summer. An insecurity that leads me to comparison. I think because I don’t know that many people here I feel the need to prove my spirituality or something. Like I have to prove to them that I am a strong enough Christian to be a leader. What the heck?
And because of that it has been almost difficult for me to really engage in conversations because I am constantly thinking about what I am going to say next….. some would say that’s probably not such a bad thing haha!
I just think it is so amazing that there is already conflict in my heart and my disciples havn’t even gotten here yet. Its scary, cool, challenging, and kind of an indescribable feeling right now. With it only being day 1 and me already seeing this battle for my hearts attention is so scary. Like ITS ONLY DAY 1. I have 9 more weeks! What in the world is satan going to tempt my heart with over the next 9 weeks?! And at the same time its so cool because I am going to KNOW that I am growing. If I fight the sin and resist or if I give into the temptation, whatever it is, I know that God is going to use that to teach me. And that is SO cool. Its also really challenging. Part of me is like ‘Yeah satan! BRING IT ON!!!’ haha and the other side of me is like ‘uh no thanks. You stay over there and leave me alone.’ and that’s where the indescribable feeling comes in. I want so desperately to see the Lord radically work in my life. So part of me wants to look my sin and temptations and fears straight in the eyes and say, ‘I will overcome! You will have NO hold over me because of my love for my Father!’ and I truly want that. I want satan to bring on those hardships simply so I can know more of my God and the power that he possesses. I want to know and see that my God is a consuming fire. But the flip side is that is scary as crap! Why the heck am I praying that satan WOULD tempt me?! And that satan would make me stumble?! Am I going psycho?! Maybe I am, maybe im not. I just want so desperately to see the Lord work in me and through me this summer that if that is what it takes—then that’s what I want.
its funny the things that do and do not make me cry. The most random things bring me to tears…. Mighty Joe Young, commercials about babies, what not to wear (I cry at the end of EVERY episode), Extreme Makeover: House Edition, when the girl finally finds her wedding gown on Say Yes to the Dress, certain movies…. I know, im a loser.
Then there are some things that really make me cry and rightfully should… hardships in my friendships, death, goodbyes… normal things haha
But, even though it may not sound like it, I am not really a cry-er. I really don’t cry that much. I really actually don’t know how to handle really emotional people. I would rather just suck it up and move on. I think this is a really good strength of mine, but also a pretty serious weakness.
It’s a strength because I usually hold it together well. It’s a weakness because crying, to me, is something I see for wimps and wimps only. So a lot of times I put on this mask of me being really independent. And lets just be honest, the people that know me know that sho aint true. Im not independent, im stubborn.. anyways what im getting at is sometimes a good cry is needed to convey your passion about that one thing….
I told the girls in my d-group tonight one of my prayers for this summer is that I would be moved to tears because of my realization of Gods power, love, seriousness and compassion. I want to be so filled with the realization of God and his might and his power that I literally fall on my knees and weep because I don’t know what else to do. I want that. I want to be so broken that words will not suffice. I want to be so in awe that I don’t know what else to do but weep.
I also really want my girls to see me broken. Maybe not a hysterical mess ha, but I definitely want them to see me totally in awe of God and what he is doing in my life and in others. I don’t really know how that will look though. I would prefer for my weeping spell to be in private because im just not really ready for everyone to be like ‘oh there goes the cry baby’
Annnnd switching gears again….
Today we got to go out and do some evangelism. Evangelism always rushes so many emotions through me. Excitement, nervousness, fear of rejection, curiosity…. We went to the mall and had a great conversation with a guy named Josh. It was so neat to see how the 3 of us (I went with 2 other people) are at such different points in our lives but we were all united by the Gospel and able to have such a neat and meaningful conversation with a complete stranger. I was really encouraged by it.
And lastly, tonight. Tonight was a really neat time of fellowship with all the leaders. After evangelism we came back and had dinner and just hung out. Then there was a really sweet time of worship.
Its amazing how you can really feel the presence of God sometimes. I definitely did tonight. I was just really moved when I looked around the room. Here I am, in Destin FL, in a small church with about 25 some odd college students of all different walks of life, about 4 families, and then 4+ staff members. Every person in that room is giving up something to be here this summer. And God brought us all together for one purpose: to bring him glory. It was amazing.
To close we talked about our dreams/prayers for what would happen as aftermath of this project… I am so encouraged to be around people with such amazing visions for the gospel
I am in for the summer of my life and I could not be more excited.
Because we dont have internet at The Sandman Motel, i type at night in word and then just cut and paste it to here when i do get internet. so its lookin like i will update my blog every sunday or monday. since the above post lots has happened!
we had to prepare the Sandman for the arrivals of our disciples so we did this allllll day....