(păr'ə-dŏks').

par·a·dox n.

1. A seemingly contradictory statement that may nonetheless be true
2. One exhibiting inexplicable or contradictory aspects:
3. An assertion that is essentially self-contradictory, though based on a valid deduction from acceptable premises.
4. A statement contrary to received opinion.

i love the paradox in this picture. to me, it perfectly captures the way i feel i am. in this picture, from one root, there are two things growing- something alive, and something dead. both the same origin, just one is fed and one isn't.

recently i have become more and more aware of my sin and the way it takes me over. i have this burning desire to do the will of my Father, but i have this part of me that wants so badly to rebel against everything i know i am called to.

"What then shall we say? that the law is sin? by no means!

yet if it had not been for the law, i would not have known sin...

for apart from the law, sin lies dead. i once was alive apart from the law,

but when the commandment came, sin came alive and i died.

the very commandment that promised life proved to be death to me.

for sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment, deceived me

and through it, killed me... did that which is good, then, bring death to me?

BY NO MEANS! it was sin, producing sin in me through what is good,

in order that sin might be shown to be sin, and through the commandment might become sinful beyond measure... for i do not understand my own actions.

for i do not do what i want, but i do the very thing i hate...

for i have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out...

so i find it to be a law that when i want to do right, evil lies close at hand.

For i delight in the law of God, in my inner being,

but i see in my member another law WAGING WAR against the law of my mind

and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members...

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus!"

Romans 7:7-8:1

romans is one of my favorite books of the bible. these truths are so evident in my life... how can something as beautiful as Christ dwell in me, and at the same time, something as hideous as sin be constantly making habitations in my heart and soul?

its hard for me not to dwell on this. i get frustrated with the Lord alot because to me, if i am asking for a good thing, why would he not want that for me? if i am asking for sin to be dealt with and for Him to sanctify me- to make me clean- why would He continue to allow sin to manifest in me? and in this questioning is where satan creeps in and plants the lie in my heart that my Father is withholding something from me....

"who shall separate us from the love of Christ?

shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? ...NO, in all these things we are more than conquerors

through Him who loved us!

for i am SURE that neither death nor life,

nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come,

nor powers, nor height nor depth,

nor anything else in all creation,

will be able to separate us from the love of God

in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:35-39

and then i am reminded of this- and all my doubt, questioning, frustration.... subsides. my God is stronger. if none of those things can separate me from His love, then no amount of my filth can either. because by Gods grace alone i am covered. and i love that paradox.

despite the filth that takes over my soul so many times a day, i am seen as beautiful and clean. perfect and pure. i am desired by my Father. it amazes me that He is still perusing my heart. i want to daily surrender to a God like that. i want to give all that i am to a ministry that clearly proclaims the beauty of Christ. i want to live a life that demonstrates this paradoxel faith-

that through death, there is immense life.

abc.

o love that will not let me go .

"O Love that will not let me go,

I rest my weary soul in thee;
I give thee back the life I owe,
That in thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.

O light that followest all my way,
I yield my flickering torch to thee;
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in thy sunshine’s blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be.

O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.

O Cross that liftest up my head,
I dare not ask to fly from thee;
I lay in dust life’s glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be."

i love just thinking and meditating over these words. they are so powerful and true. happy sunday!

abc.

9 lives?

i've decided i need 9 trillion lives to do everything i want to do or be everything i want to be. but i only have 1.... so you tube and pictures will have to suffice.

i want to be able to DANCE... like REALLY dance.

i want to be a traveling PHOTOGRAPHER

i want to be a MAKEUP-ARTIST

i want to be a MUSICIAN

i want to be a crime scene INVESTIGATOR (specifically abby... the character)

i want to be on BROADWAY

i want to go SKYDIVING in Ireland

i want to paint a picture of the GRAND CANYON.... a picture that i took..

so i want to go to the grad canyon

i want to HITCHHIKE somewhere... haven't decided where yet

(haha that was for those who are actually still looking at the links...)

i want to BACKPACK across Europe

i want to go to INDIA... so bad.

i want a HUSKY

i want to be on the RED CARPET... in this gown.

i want to have a whole day outside with absolutely NOTHING to do

i want to SCUBA DIVE in New Zealand

i want to be RIHANNA for a day

i want to ride a HOT AIR BALLOON over Cape Town... hahahah yes, i still want to despite that picture.

i want a BIG family.... hahaha

see. i need more lives.

abc.

catching up.

its been too long! so much has been going on these past 2/3 weeks that i have had NO time to just sit down and reflect. Project finished up, i came home to unpack then repack, came down to auburn for my first rush week, and now school starts....tomorrow!! life needs to slooow down!

there is so much i have to blog about i just dont know where to start...

something that has been so fun about being back is having friends here in auburn that went through the same things as me this summer. that were challenged and pushed, that are coming to school with a lot of convictions for ministry with way too many opportunities to know which ones to take and alot of other things....

last year coming back, one i was just at a really bad place in my heart, but i also had a hard time adjusting to a new place, with alot of new things spiritually that i didn't fully understand yet... now i still have things going on in my heart that im working through, but i have great friends that have seen me fight and grow all summer and are here to really push me to continue to do the same. and its my prayer that i can do the same for them.

elizabeth, also know as iz, went this summer and that has been such a huge blessing. we already spend ATON of time together and now having this summer in common, those friends in common, and just that time of growth in common, is something that i really am so thankful for. the Lord has already used her to help me with a couple situations and allowed her to really speak truth into my life. its been great!

when project ended i left with alot on my heart. i was nervous about coming back to auburn and super nervous about rush week. i really didn't know that many girls in my sorority, i had 1 day to move in... there was just alot i was nervous about. but the Lord went above and beyond.

rush week was cray cray. o my goodness. it was like a huge blur of screaming. one day i was in the chapter room for 19 hours straight... it was insanity! buuuut, it was so. much. fun. i got to know so many girls really well and get closer to the girls i already knew.. the whole summer the Lord had really put my sorority on my heart and some specific things to pray for. by the end of rush, the Lord answered all 4 of my specific prayer request and used certain conversations to really encourage me in the other things i was praying for. it was SO neat to see the Lord provide for me in that way. i really needed that encouragement, and now i am so unbelievably excited to start this semester and see what all the Lord has in store for me and some of my friends.

speaking of this semester... i changed my major. today. class starts... um... tomorrow. should be interesting. i spent all day running errands trying to get classes, get fingerprints done, get a background check (hahaha), and there is still aton i dont have ready. like books. i dont have one book yet!

(its funny because i keep telling people im so excited about this semester and their response is 'Oh really? do you have fun classes?' and i laugh because it just doesn't dawn on me that school is what most people think about when they move back to school.... when i say im excited about this semester an accurate interpretation of that would be... i am so excited about ZTA functions, road trips, concerts, new friends, fun adventures with old friends, lake trips, new pictures, new memories... and i guess im excited about taking classes but thats only because that means im that much closer to being done with school! haha.)

anyways.. when i left project they got us to write a paragraph summarizing our summer, then a sentence, then a word. my word for this summer was rebuilt. thats what the Lord did, he rebuilt me.

the Lord has really used my time in college to break me down and show me where i had been putting my identity for so long. and this summer, after tearing down every wall, i really feel like God laid my foundation and started building me up in the way the He has created me to be. i dont have any question of who i am, or what i should be like, or how i should act... the thing my dad has told me for years has never been more understandable than now- there is freedom within the law.

im so, so, SO excited to explore everything possible this semester and to pour myself out totally and completely in everything i do because i know my position in Christ and because of that im completely free.

abc.

encouragement.

this sermon is AWSOME. i love it so much. it is so encouraging and i highly, HIGHLY recommend you take 42 minuets out of your day and listen to or watch it. its legit.

click on THIS link and it will take you to the page. from there you'll see where it says messages... click to the right 14 times till you see the box thing that says "everybody" and click on it. (i promise this is alot easier than it sounds!) and from there you'll see a little box where you can either listen to it or watch the sermon.

abc.

rebuilding.

SBP is coming to a close and i am so not ready. i dont want it to be over! i have had the most incredible summer in so many ways... growing spiritually, having my eyes opened to so much, hanging out with awesome new friends, pouring into other girls and being poured into by so many otheres, breaking some rules (haha), getting almost no sleep, working somewhere i would have preferred not to, having to learn to stand up for myself, learning what it means to die to myself, experiencing what the body of Christ looks like and should always be doing, the power of prayer, taking WAY too many pictures, dance parties out the wazoo, developing a deep, deep bond with my 3 girls, experiencing true accountability, being broken, and also being rebuilt. just growing up in every aspect.

this summer was incredible for one main reason- God began the rebuilding of my heart.

since november of my freshman year of college God has taken away so many things that i held so close to my heart and for so long i tried to fight it. after this past semester at auburn, i finally accepted what was going on in my life and decided to start dealing with it. and it has been incredible.

i see now why God broke me down SO much and it was so that he could rebuild me in truth, in wisdom, in passion, and in vision.

before i didn't know who i was without all my "things". now, i still dont know what i want to do with my life, or my major, or where i'll be in 2 years.... but i do know one thing- i know my position in Christ. i know who i am in my Father and i know, that i know, that i know, that i know that he is so sovereign. i love it!

no lie satan feeds me, no desire my flesh craves can satisfy me like my Father. i've heard that literally my. whole. life. but now i can say it and then begin to tell anyone and everyone how and why i know that and BELIEVE it.

_____________________________________

to catch you up on my life.... it has been bu-sy. i am so exhausted.

i am not on my computer because i now have less that 1/4 of a screen. (my computer grew legs and jumped off our kitchen counter when i wasn't looking. im not too happy about that one.) since im not on my computer, i dont have my pictures to post... im pretty bummed because i have some hilarious ones!

we had 80's prom last weekend and it was SO much fun! hair spray, hair-teasing, sequins, blue eyeshaddow, and pink lipstick... i'd say i was born in the wrong decade. i had so much fun just getting me and everyone else ready.

we also got to go out to crab island again with a group of friends and it was great. it was so relaxing. a couple people napped! just getting away from project and hanging out together was so fun.

something that was not so fun was what happened on wednesday. oh. my. gosh. project almost saw the wrath of abby cunningham.... it was bad. let me fill you in.

so i get off of work on wednesday and have not had a good day by any means. and i check my phone and have a text from one of my girls.... all it said was "someone pooped in a cup and microwaved it."

i laughed and thought oh thats funny..... but then i found out where and to what extent. upon returning to my room (which i could smell when i pulled up. literally) i come to find that some boys had pooped in a muffin pan and cooked that in our oven, pooped in a cup and microwaved it until it exploded, pooped or peed in 20 cups and hid them all over our room, and then put sour milk in our air vent and turned the air conditioning up to 90.

lets just say i was NOT happy. i had to leave project so that i wouldn't do or say anything i would regret. i then stooped pretty low and sent an unkind text to one of the guys because i thought it would make the situation better or something.... i dont know.

some team leaders came and talked to me and my girls that night and told us that we should forgive them, love them, laugh about it, and move on. and i thought... 'ok ill come do this to your room, tell you that, and then see what you do!' i didn't want to hear it. and then one of them had the nerve to say, "you really can see the Gospel in this! this is a great way to learn to become more like Jesus." to which i wanted to say 'um, please leave my poop-smelling room now. thanks.'

but they were so right. after cooling off and looking at my heart in the situation i saw SO much sin in my heart. it was so cool because going through this showed me just how much God has done in my heart. normally i would harvest every last drop of bitterness towards those guys and just be pissed at them for the rest of my life. seriously! but only 2 days later, i was able to hug it out with one of them and plan out a breakfast we would cook for each other. and i can honestly laugh about the situation. and laugh REALLY hard about how mad i got! it was a little ridiculous....

my summer has just been full of things like that that God used to teach me so much about myself. i know that sounds crazy but he has. so much has gone on at abercrombie&fitch, situations between my girls, having our room bombarded with poop, my phone being eaten by the ocean, my computer growing legs and breaking.... small, small things that the Lord has used to teach me something new about myself or show me sin or whatever. its just been really neat.

im so glad i have a little over a week left! be ready for a crazy "closing" post! im sorry there are no pictures, ill load the next post up with them- i promise! but thats just an update on everything here at the grand ole Sandman!

Prayer Request:

- i want me and my girls to finish strong, but also to finish absolutely weak. i want them and myself to walk away felling like they did absolutely everything they could, soaked up every single moment, and that we just cannot get enough Jesus. finish strong. but i also want us to leave exhausted from doing that, and from growing so much- grow in our awareness of our desperate need for even more Jesus. finish weak.

until next time....

abc.

oh and PS.... check out the new blog! im super pumped about it :)

why.

so i have been pretty frustrated with the Lord lately. we had the idols talk the other week and that’s when it kind of all started. over the past two years, the Lord has VERY clearly shown me what my idols are by taking them 100% away. and slowly I have become more and more ok with that. and i have now gotten to the point where i see why He did, and i am truly grateful for them being taken away.

going into the idols talk i was pretty confident because i was pretty sure the Lord wasn’t going to reveal to me any more idols. and he didn’t. but he did reveal something to me that’s been really hard. its my lack of faith in Him. sitting there listening to everything Francisco had to say, i found my self getting more and more frustrated with God. i started asking myself why about everything….

why did you have to take that friend away from me? why did you have to make me transfer schools? why did you make project SO hard last summer when all i needed was encouragement? why have i not been back to the same place since christmas of my freshman year? why do i have no idea what i am supposed to do after college? why do you have me at the 1 college i said i would never go to? why do i feel like you are not calling me to cosmetology when that has been what i’ve wanted to do for years now? why can you not just give me what i want! why, God, are you withholding things from me?

and then it hit me. boom. the lie that i believe over and over and over. God is withholding something from me. and i have been angry! really angry. God just give me what i want! why is that such a bad thing?!

i have gotten so frustrated because its not like the things i want are bad! i want consistency, i want something solid, i want clarity, i want answers.

and i realize now why i am so frustrated. that consistency, that firm, solid knowledge, the clarity and answers i want so badly will NEVER be found in the things i was looking for them in. they will only be found in my Savior. and it is when i have that firm, deeply rooted foundation in Christ that all the other things Christ has been striping away from me will give me any fulfillment. find my satisfaction in Christ and then he will give me the desires of my heart. it is then that he will make my righteousness like the light and my judgment like the noonday sun. it is when all my soul desires is Christ that there will be no shadows…

i love this song, but its lyrics have really hit me hard this week…

"In your ocean, I'm ankle deep

I feel the waves crashin' on my feet

It's like I know where I need to be

But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe

When your tide rushes over me

There's only one way to figure out

Will ya let me drown, will ya let me drown

Hey now, this is my desire

Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful

To touch me, I know that I'm in reach

'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful

Oh, something beautiful

And the water is risin' quick

And for years I was scared of it

We can't be sure when it will subside

So I won't leave your side, no I can't leave your side

Hey now, this is my desire

Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful

To touch me, I know that I'm in reach

'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful

Oh, something beautiful

In a daydream, I couldn't live like this

I wouldn't stop until I found something beautiful

When I wake up, I know I will have

No, I still won't have what I need

Hey now, this is my desire

Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful

To touch me, I know that I'm in reach

'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful

Oh, something beautiful"

abc.

brief update.

i have been so super busy lately and have ad no time to sit down and blong. and to be honest, i've missed it! and even now i only have about 20 more minuets before i have to be somewhere else so this will be a short one.

we have been having SO much fun!! i feel like we are all just going, going, going but i love it! i am absolutely loving my girls more and more each day.

we have hit the half way mark and its pretty obvious. everyone (at least in my room) is exhausted. but its been so fun because even though the newness of being at project has worn off, we are still having just as much fun being with each other. i really am so thankful for the girls the Lord put in my room.... so heres an update on project life!

'

we had out employee social the other week and it was great! there was lots of dancing, games, and just hanging out with everyone we work with. i hadn't even started work yet so i just mooched off of everyone else's employes and pretended like they were mine!

the 4th was SO much fun!! we got to go over to a Samford guys house and hang out... allllll day. his family was so awesome. they cooked us lunch and dinner! for free!! and we got to go out on their boat to Crab Island, ride jet skiis, swim, and just hangout. that night a group of us got to go to the pier and watch fire works.... again, it was SO much fun!

these lovely ladies and i had alot fun at their house taking pictures.... some of them were HILARIOUS. so far i have taken over 1,300 pictures! ridiculous, i know.

my parents came in town this past weekend and i was so freakin excited!! i didn't realize just how much i had missed them. it was so fun to get to just chill with my family. one night my mom cooked food for everyone and my dad got the UFC fights and a bunch of project people came over and relaxed. it is always so nice to have free food and a clean place!

another fun thing from this week was the social!! it was "High-school Cliques" and my room was the Foreign Exchange Students.... it. was. awesome. we got so many funny looks and had an absolute blast!!

one of my favorite things about project is just the community. i have gotten so close with the girls here and have learned so much from each of them. its been so neat to see how God has used each of us to help one another even though alot of our stories are so different. its been a true picture of what the body of Christ should look like... im really going to miss it.

this is Salon220. i love that Lynze and i have this in common. we are beautifying project one head of hair at a time! haha

this is one of the highlights of my day. for real. courtney is in the process of teaching me lots of nursing skills..... this one in particular is so fun! haha.. taking out her contacts. i must say, ive gotten pretty good!

i am SO proud of my girls for this one. while i was out, some of my girls got our neighbors underwear and strung them up across our parking lot. it was absolutely hilarious. they had some whitey tighteys, boxer briefs, and even some cute little basket ball boxers! they guys weren't as ammused as we were though....

Prayer Requests:

- over all these past 2 weeks have been incredible. alot of us are exhausted and some what sick. pray that we learn to pace ourselves and that the Lord would keep the sickness from spreading any.

- now that everyone has been working we have begun or have already established relationships with our co-workers. pray that God opens doors for spiritual conversations and that each of us would have boldness to really proclaim truth to each of them

- lastly pray for heart changes. now is, like i said, when the newness has worn off and reality starts to set in. this is when people start annoying people, feelings get hurt, the hard questions really start, but also when God really works. pray that each of us here would have a heart of teachability and humility.... and eagerness to see sin so that we can in turn see more of Jesus.

i wish i could go more into depth about what all God has been teaching me, but i just dont have time today.... more to come soon!!

abc.

breaking down.

this has been a whirl wind of a week.

the way project is set up, theres not much down time. you are constantly being fed with all kinds of information, working (for some haha), hanging out.... theres no time to really sit down and really let it all sink in. and when your the type person i am... if it has to do with people- you cant say no! so i feel like i am constantly going, going, going. and im not complaining! i absolutely love it.

there is a problem in that though. i am really bad at taking time for myself. time for myself to just get away, be with the Lord, digest everything, and chill. so i have all this information, conviction, excitement.... on my mind/heart and it seems to all hit me at once. that was this week.

on monday i went and met with my d-group (not the girls im leading, but the one im in) and when they asked me how i was doing.... it was like they pressed that one button. it just alllll hit me. and i lost it! i just cried and cried haha.

the Lord has done something really neat in my heart. i have gotten to the point where i really HATE sin. ive never hated it before... ive not liked it and known i needed to deal with it, but i have never absolutely despised my sin and been disgusted by it. and i finally got to that point. but when i got there it was SO overwhelming because where do i go from there? i know i can never be sin-free. so i just cried because i didn't know what else to do.

and that was when i really got to see such a cool picture of what the body of Christ does. without hesitating i had 3 girls ready to give me scripture, pray with me, encourage me, and just love me. it was so neat. all 3 of them had 3 or 4 verses for me and such encouraging words. one of the girls, christine, told me something ive heard but never REALLY heard....

"Glance at your sin, but GAZE at the cross"

i love that. it was so comforting to hear. and since then it has been so neat... i feel like i just cant get enough of Christ. it was like i needed that break down to break the wall of i-have-it-all-together-ness to really get to the heart of things- to really see my desperate need for Christ.

in the talk this week Seth explained what the body is like in a way that had ever donned on me... he said when you step on a nail you dont have to think- ok i am going to shift my weight to m other leg. now i need to use my eyes and look for somewhere to sit down. ok now i need to make my arm go out to help ease myself down to that chair. ok now i need to bend my knee..... no. when you step on a nail all of your body reacts immediately and goes into action, in its own specific way, to help that one foot.

it was like a million light bulbs went off. and i got to see that happen. Lo didnt even wait for me to finish before she had already pulled out her Bible and opened it and was waiting for me to finish so that she could encourage me. and as soon as she finished both other girls had scripture too. they didnt even think about it- they knew part of the body was hurting and they jumped right into action.

it was just really cool and so encouraging. and since then, i have had the BEST week! i really have. i have had some one on one's that have been SO encouraging, gotten to hang out with alot of awesome people, i got to go out on the beach yesterday with 2 friends and share with some people and it was incredible, i got kicked out of the track last night which was AWESOME, and most importantly i have just been so filled and satisfied with the Lord.

i dont want to grow complacent though. my prayer is that God would continue this work in me and show me more and more of Himself.

Prayer Request:

-we have the Employee Social tonight! pray that all the employees that come would get to experience the acceptance and just fun that is found in the body of Christ

-its been 3 weeks now and the excitement of getting to project is kind of wearing off... pray that all of us stay focused and continue to rely on the Lord

-pray for intentional conversations at work.

thanks for all the prayers thus far!

abc.