Thursday, May 13, 2010

exhausted.


(before i start, im super excited i finally figured out how to get music on here! i always hate reading when its quiet...)

lately i have not been very inspired to write. i think it is because i have gotten into my "Stacy" mood. trying to finish exams, im taking the WORST maymester summer school class known to man, and trying to prepare for this summer has left me stressed to the max and just plain exhausted. i also realized that with all i was trying to focus on academically, my time with the Lord had been rushed and honestly just not very sincere. i was just getting really frustrated with myself about alot of different things and could not figure out what was wrong with me.

this is when i am so thankful for the friends the Lord has placed in my life. friends that i can be open and honest with. friends that, regardless of how blah i am, they love me the same.

i was so encouraged after talking to my close friend stephanie the other night. she has a special way of making me laugh at myself and realize how dumb it is for me to try to micromanage my life. she is always so faithful to point out that God is sovereign and even though i may not see it or want to believe it--he has a perfect plan for me. she has a way of being so real with where she is at spiritually that it always challenges me to be real with where i am actually at and not pretend like i am where i want to be at. i dont know if that makes sense to anyone else but me ha but oh well.

anyways after talking to her i realized how much i just needed to be renewed by the Lord. i was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. the Lord doesn't always do this, but i prayed that he would really meet with me and encourage me in the way i needed it and he totally answered my prayer. it was great.

after finishing luke, i decided to move on to matthew. so i opened up to matthew 5... and it jsut so happened to be the beatitudes.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied... Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God... Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven..."

this was SO exactly what i needed. so any times i forget that it is ok to be struggling spiritually. i sometimes get the mindset that if im not just super pumped to do my quiet time then something is just plain wrong! and, seriously? who are we kidding? thats just not true. its ok to be poor in spirit. thats when i am so blessed to have times like the other night when i am able to experience pure joy from none other than my Father.

in light of this summer, i have been stressing major because i want to be able to lead the girls in my room so well. when they have questions, i want to have answers and when they are struggling, i want to know exactly what to say. but that would make me God. and again, thats just not right haha. this verse was such a good reminder that the Lord truly is in control. and it reminds me that im only human. and thats good!

i need to depend on the Lord. thats how it was set up. man is imperfect with a perfect God so that through our imperfections we may see his perfection. what a perfect and comforting truth to know.

this brought me back to a verse that richard had talked on in ruf some time back... psalm 73:23-28 says,

"Nevertheless, i am continually with you; you hold my right hand. you guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory. whom have i in heaven but you? and there is nothing on earth that i desire besides you. my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever... for me is it good to be near God; i have made the Lord God my refuge, that i may tell of all your works"

with how exhausted i have been lately, i am reminded how desperately i need the Lord for strength. my flesh fails me so many times. my heart fails me even more. holy cow there are so many times during the day where ill stop and be like, 'abby. really? are you serious right now?' really. sometimes i am shocked at the things i find my heart desiring haha...

the only time i am every truly, peacefully, and fully satisfied is when i am near to God.

that is my prayer for this week and for this summer. not that i would know everything or be perfect because that will NEVER happen haha. but that i would see my need for Christ. i want to be so near to the Lord. i want to be truly satisfied in him.

abc.

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