carrots and rocks.

its about 1 am. im sitting on my roof, eating cookies, listening to one of my favorite playlists, and contemplating life. there is something so soothing about being outside. buuuut, when you are a 20 year old girl living in auburn, there are only so many places, outside, that you can go to, at 1 am, by yourself. so, im hoping i don’t wake my roommates under me up even though i busted it getting out here!

one of my closest friends and i went on a drive tonight trying to go to climb the fire tower, but couldnt so we just drove. put some adele and kings of leon on and drove. talking through things to each other and trying to make since of things that are going on in each of our lives. and, basically, we came to the conclusion that we will probably never figure them out. i'd say it was a successful drive eh?

but while talking out loud, trying to piece together everything that is going on in my heart and life, i think i connected one of the millions of dots in my big puzzle-picture of a life.

one thing that i have gotten frustrated with since as long as i can remember, is commitment in relationships. friend relationships, family relationships, and dating relationships... it seems like there is always someone giving more, loving more, trying more, and just caring more.

there have been so many times that i feel like i have invested so much in a relationship, invested so much in one person, and they seem to be totally apathetic to it. and, looking back, there are relationships that i feel like someone invested SO much in me, loved me so deeply, and cared about me more than i could ever image, and i didn't even see it because i was so wrapped up in myself.

as we were driving tonight, i was venting to my friend about this... thinking out loud. in so many different areas, i can see the Lord showing me sin in my life. this is one of them. in so many things that have happened recently, i see the Lord slowly taking the scales off my eyes. i am seeing more and more how any type of relationship is a two way street. it has to be 100-100. even if it is 90-100 it just doesn't work.

as humans, we were (literally) created for relationships. and our example of relationships is that of Christ with us. so our human relationships should exemplify that... they should be 100-100. the Lord has used specific things in my life to show me how it just does not work if it is any other way. and that lead to my connecting of the dots tonight... i say that in every relationship i want it to be 100-100. but in my walk with the Lord, right now, it is not. i dont know where im at, but its not 100. ive been such a hypocrite. i want it to be there. i want it so badly, but its not.

tonight, my friend gave me a great picture that has helped me in many areas. she started explaining that the Lord is so sovereign. that he has so intricately planned every detail of our lives and in doing so knows exactly what we need. she told me, the Lord is more faithful and good than to just dangle a carrot in front of our eyes and then only allow us to settle for a rock. that in all things, relationships, our future jobs, our future in general.. he is not going to say 'ah, look dont you love doing this?! welp, sorry, this is all you are going to be able to do with that passion' or 'gosh, dont you love this in a person? well, im sorry... but your just going to have to settle for someone like this'. no. he dangles carrots to get us off our butts. he shows us good to bring us to better.

sorry for the analogies, but i like to think of everything im learning like monkey bars. before you get on the first monkey bar, you have to first put your hands on the bar and jump off the ladder. you cant keep standing to move forward. and even though the hardest and scariest part is now over- that initial first leap- what are you going to do now? just hang there? no, your grip with loosen, your muscles will tire, and you'll fall. in order to stay on the bars, you have to keep moving. you have to let one hand go, and move it to the next bar. once a tight grip is there, you have to let go of the old bar to enable you to swing to the next. it is impossible to move forward if you are standing (or hanging) still. it is the constant grip and release that gets you across the bars.

translate that to every person that claims to be a christian. it is impossible to walk with the Lord if you are not, after taking the initial leap, grasping what is greater and releasing what is lesser. if that release doesnt happen, you'll be seeing carrots and getting rocks.

i see now that the Lord has placed things in my life to show me things that in turn spur me on to let go. to let go and swing to the next. to let go of what is lesser to attain what is greater. the Lord has shown me true love. the Lord has shown me true commitment. the Lord has shown me true pursuit. and the Lord has shown me true passion. and seeing what is greater, i am now free- utterly free- to let go of these things that are lesser.

it not only frees me, but it holds me accountable too. i dont want to be someone's lesser. in any relationship. in my family relationships, in my friend relationships, or any future dating relationship. i want my love to be like that of my Father. selfless. a love that spurs on faith. that spurs on courage. and that spurs on action. because that is the love that has been shown to me.

growing up is a funny thing.

abc.

a never ending light.

gosh. i really am so thankful for my friends.

one thing that i have been praying for- literally since i got to auburn- is for a group of friends that have the same desires and convictions as me. for friends that get it. i have been praying for accountability in different areas of my life and for girls that are running hard and fast after the Lord. well, man did He answer that one.

today i have just been so encouraged by the conversations, the challenges, and the accountability i have gotten from my friends. i just love them!

anyways. tonight at biblestudy we had such an encouraging time. we are working or way through James and i love it! Mrs. P, the lady that leads us, was talking us through one of the verse in there and honestly BLEW my mind with the point she brought up...

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above,

coming down from the Father of lights

with whom there is no variation

or shadow due to change."

-James 1:17

now, yall know me and my analogies so of course this hit home for me.. she started talking to us about how cool that verse is. how it refers to God as 'the Father of lights' and goes on to say 'with whom there is NO variation or shadow due to change'. think about that! being in the light is always representative of knowledge or understanding.. but how do we know what knowledge or understanding is? by knowing God. because he is the only COMPLETELY constant thing in our lives and in our world.

now here is where she blew me away... she asked us what sources of light never very and never cause shadows. what sources of light never change?

there aren't any. a light bulb can wear out or be turned off and even broken. the sun rises and the sun sets. the sun casts shadows on things, causing darkness. a candle or a flame will wear out and can be extinguished. the only source of light that is fully sufficient, never ending, never changing, and never causing darkness is from the Father of light.

i wont go into it... but think of the BILLIONS of analogies that can be made by that one simple truth. my mind has been racing all. day. long.

its so cool to me that the verse says 'every good and perfect GIFT is from above...' and then goes to say that last part. because if you read the beginning of the chapter, it starts with...

"Count it all joy, my brothers,

when you meet trials of various kinds,

3 for you know that the testing of your faith

produces steadfastness.

4 And let steadfastness have its full effect,

that you may be perfect and complete,

lacking in nothing."

first off that is just a dang powerful hunk of verses. but to see how James brings it full circle is so cool to me. reading how he goes from talking about trials and struggling to reminding each of us of the God we serve... thats tight.

another blog i follow (http://resolved2worship.xanga.com/), when writing about trials she put it so well. she asked how gold is made. its made through fire. for gold to be perfected, it must first be refined through fire. the fire melts away all the imperfections and in the end the gold has been made beautiful and is now a valued treasure. thats why we should count it as JOY. because we know the God we serve and the pain- it is just the perfection. because on the other side of the fire is the beautifully perfect heart.

the whole time i was meditating on those verses in my head, it took me back to every single time my dad and i have talked and ended up at Psalm 37..

"3 Trust in the Lord, and do good;

dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.

4 Delight yourself in the Lord,

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

5 Commit your way to the Lord;

trust in him, and he will act.

6 He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,

and your justice as the noonday sun."

-Psalm 37:3-6

At noonday, there are no shadows. The sun is directly above everything not allowing there to be darkness. That is my prayer. to live with no shadows, dwelling in the light of my Father.

abc.

i know that you are for me.

getting back in the swing of things after spring break has not been as difficult as i thought. maybe because im naturally a morning person and since i woke up no later than 9:30 all of spring break it just wasn't a big adjustment. or maybe because i really enjoy having things to do through out my day as opposed to having absolutely nothing required of me. (dont get me wrong, i do enjoy days like that every so often though!) but, as needed as my spring break was, im glad to be back.

i registered for classes today and thought i was going to fall out of my seat when i read, "your class for registration purposes is senior". i literally FLIPPED. OUT. i cannot believe i only have 2 semesters of college left. where did that time go?

as i have had the reality of the real world coming quickly sinking in, i have been sorting through alot that has occurred in my life recently. for me, to make a decision of importance (like, what i am going to do with my life, if i should go to grad school, if so- what for... you know, basic stuff), then i like to have all my "girly emotions" sorted through so that i can actually think clearly. i like to get all my ups and downs dealt with so that i can logically think through and pray through what i feel the Lord is calling me to.

thats been hard to do recently though. i think the Lord is teaching me alot about simply finding peace in his sovereign hand. which means having peace in not knowing and in not understanding. over the course of my college experience, the Lord has taught me alot about his sovereignty. he has taught me to trust his sovereignty, to submit to his sovereignty, and to be thankful for his sovereignty. but, finding peace, TRUE peace in it has been hard for me.

there have been some things go on recently in my life and thus in my heart that have not exactly lead to peace. things that have lead to alot of disappointment, alot of hurt. i think i am learning more and more that the only thing i can truly put my hope in is my heavenly Father. things, situations, people, just life in general ha- things/situations/people will disappoint, will let you down, wont follow through... but never, in my entire life, has the Lord promised something and not followed through. not once has the Lord spoken and it has not come to pass. i love that.

it has been so neat to see how the Lord has continued to draw me to himself despite my efforts to do otherwise. He has continued to place incredible friends in my life that constantly not only speak truth to me, but demonstrate it to me in love. i have been so thankful for that. for the friends that constantly remind me that the Lord is for me. that He is my protector, my guidance, and my peace.

"I have said these things to you,

that in me you may have peace.

In the world you will have tribulation.

But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

-John 16:33

its so neat to think about how constant the Lord is. how in what im sorting through now- the God in that verse is in control of my life. And, in a year, when I am looking at grad schools and internships and the real world in all its scariness- that is the God that will be in control of my life. And then, 10 years down the road, whether im overseas doing missions, in the states doing missions, or (i PRAY that this not be true) in the states, behind a desk, in my cubical- that that is the God that will be in control of my every single action.

that is a peaceful, comforting truth to be reminded of.

"So faithful. So constant.

So loving and so true.

So powerful in all You do.

You fill me. You see me.

You know my every move

and You love for me to sing to You.

I know that You are for me.

I know that You are for me.

I know that You will never,

forsake me in my weaknesses

I know that You have come now,

even if to write upon my heart.

To remind me who You are..."

-Keri Jobe "you are for me"

abc.

rain rain, stay.

theres something about rainy days that are so whimsical.

i love them. they make you have to slow down.

they inconvenience you, but its almost an enjoyable inconvenience.

i love them.

most people say rain, rain, go away... but i want it to stay. even if it is just for the day.

and i want to relax, nap, and be cozy!

to enjoy this rainy day, i put on my favoritest, warmest socks...

(clearly im not the only one in our house that feels this way)

make my favorite cup o' tea...

turn on my rainy day playlist...

and just relax.

there really isn't much better...

until reality hits and i remebmer that i have 2 tests

and have to get back to this....

ew.

abc.

hallelujah.

i absolutely love everything she says in this. and the fact that she is one of my favorite singers just adds to it..

and here it is... her voice is phenomenal (fast forward to 00:55)

abc.

the Lord has been doing a work in my heart. i feel like he is REALLY growing me up. its scary, but kinda of cool. these lyrics really hit, right on, how im feeling towards the Lord since the last time i posted on here. HE, like always, has been so faithful to show me the sin in my heart and more of him and his incredible sovereignty...

"...filled with wonder,

awestruck wonder

at the mention of Your Name

Jesus, Your Name is power

Breath, and Living Water

Such a marvelous mystery...

Holy, Holy, Holy

Is the Lord God Almighty

Who was, and is, and is to come,

With all creation I sing:

Praise to the King of Kings!

You are my everything,

And I - will - adore YOU"

happy monday!

abc.

blood vessels and atriums.

theres this old song, and goes a little something like this...

"hate is a strong word. but i really, really, really, dont like you.."

well, im going to use that strong word, go out on a limb and say, biology- i hate you. i am not a good tester. i am actually VERY bad at taking test. i study a ridiculous amount of hours and then FREAK OUT when i get to the test and then cant remember anything i studied. seriously. i will be able to explain everything to people when i study with them but give me the test and its like i have never seen the material before.

well, tomorrow i have 2 tests. but, one is biology.

did you know that when blood goes through your heart it goes from the right atrium, to the tricuspid, and then to the right ventricle? but, wait, wait, if i am asked 'where does blood go after passing through the right atrium?' i am to put the right ventricle. but, didnt i just say that it has to go through the tricuspid first? no silly, it only passes BY the tricuspid and goes THROUGH to the ventricle. duhhhh.

seriously?

and did you know that amylase in the pancreas breaks starch down into maltose. BUT the small intestine is where sucrose is broken down even though all the other enzymes broken down there are maltase and lactase? makes since right? ha, right.

i could go on, and on, and on, and on...... and on. but, you get the point. it is literally the most confusing thing ever.

moral of all this is- tomorrow, please do not come. ever.

abc.

when opposites meet.

exhaustion. that basically describes where im at with the Lord right now. well, just me as a whole really.

this is one of those post that is totally for me. because i need to read what im thinking to make it all make since. i have to get it out to let it go. i cant journal about it any more, i cant pray about it anymore, and i cant vent about it anymore because none of it makes since in my own head. so i have to let my fingers run free and get out everything thats going on in the curly headed brain of mine.

this may even be too blunt of a post. dad will probably laugh, mom probably wont like parts of it, and i think alot of my friends will relate to it....

i want to get away. and i mean far away. and more than that, i need to. i need to be on my own.

recently i have felt literally suffocated by everything around me to reach this level of perfection. i have felt this miserable weight to not miss a beat, to not do a single thing wrong. i have felt like i am under this microscope being unbelievably scrutinized in every move i make.

there are 2 sides to all this though and thats what makes this all so hard and confusing.

side 1: i love the Lord with literally every inch of my soul. the deepest desire of my heart is for the Lords will to be done in my life. i want my life to be lived in a manner worthy of the gospel and i want people to be encouraged to do the same when they watch me. i want Christ and the cross to be known. i want to impact the world for Christ. and i am not saying that in a world peace, beauty pageant kind of way. i really do yearn to impact the WORLD for Christ. i want to go. i want to be the hands and feet of the church. i want to be the one that takes the gospel to the nations. there are the providers, the prayer warriors, the funders... and then there are the go-ers. im a goer. everything in me wants to go. i want to be an ambassador for Christ.

side 2: literally the complete opposite. i am so sick of the pressures on me from every place to be this put together, perfect, godly girl. i am sick of feeling like i can not waver in one step. i am sick of knowing that i am always being watched by so many people. half of which i dont even know. i am tired of every single little thing i do being known. im tired of being a leader. i get frustrated that im looked up to in some areas. im sick of it. im sick of having to do and not do certain things simply because of the expectations that other people have for me. i am unbelievably exhausted from having to take the high road and be the mature one. what if i dont want to be the mature one? what if i want to get mad- i mean really mad and yell at someone. i am only twenty freaking years old. honestly, a huge part of me just wants to say, screw it. im doing it my way and you can just get over it.

how different could those two people be? it just shows the desire to do good battling my ingrown sinful, selfish nature.

but, thats whats going on in my heart. part of me just wants to run to scripture an be encouraged by Gods word, but then when i do i decide i dont want to because i know thats what im expected to do and im sick of that.

thats why i want to get away. i want so badly to be on my own. where no one knows me, no one has a preconceived notion of who i am or what i am about. no one thinks they know what i like to do, and no one knows who or where or what i come from, and no one expects me to make certain decisions.... where im not known.

and i want to stand on my own. i want to be able to figure out who abby really is. i want to figure out what i am really all about, and what my deepest desires really are, and what my passions in life truly are. i want to make decisions- not because i know i should or because its whats expected of me- but because i made the decision. i thought on my own, prayed through it on my own, and decided for my self. i want to grow up. well- a better way to say it would be that i want to grow into my own self. without ANY outside pressure.

no expectations. just authenticity. just me and God and my heart. my heart and my head are in no way in sync right now... but its simply because my heart is pulling one way and my head is pulling the complete opposite. its like the ballet The Battle for Lucindas Heart. whos going to win?

the funny thing is, i know who has already won. im just in a difficult battle right now. a battle of self vs. self. how do you win in that one? and thats where my exhaustion comes from. im done. my logic is out the window. my compassion is pretty worn down. and i just want a break. a break from it all.

1. Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
   Let me hide myself in Thee;
   Let the water and the blood,
   From Thy wounded side which flowed,
   Be of sin the double cure,
   Save from wrath and make me pure.
2. Not the labor of my hands
   Can fulfill Thy law’s demands;
   Could my zeal no respite know,
   Could my tears forever flow,
   All for sin could not atone;
   Thou must save, and Thou alone.
3. Nothing in my hand I bring,
   Simply to Thy cross I cling;
   Naked, come to Thee for dress;
   Helpless, look to Thee for grace;
   Foul, I to the fountain fly;
   Wash me, Savior, or I die.
4. While I draw this fleeting breath,
   When my eyes shall close in death,
   When I rise to worlds unknown,
   And behold Thee on Thy throne,
   Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
   Let me hide myself in Thee.
   
   

abc.

just the little things.

this week i went and saw an incredible movie. this movie was inspirational, exciting, enticing, incredibly produced, and every song in it made me want to dance. in fact, i did. i danced, in my seat - raise-the-roof hands and all - for the majority of the movie. i also cried, along with my friends that went, towards the end from one reason and one reason only.

now, this may all sound like sarcasm, but i am being totally serious. i caught a serious case of...

bieber fever.

(click on his name to see what i am talking about.)

i will admit it. i am almost 21 years old, and i am a bieleber.

abc.