heart vomit.

i came to study hours with the sole intent of starting a huge paper that i have next tuesday. but, somehow, every time i try to put on my studious hat, my writing hat wants to come out and is clearly more appealing than my studious hat.

this past week and a half there have been a million and one things that i have wanted to write about. to get out of my system and process in some form or fashion. but because of that frustrating thing called TIME i have not had the chance. instead, i resolved to jotting down little one-liners in my phone to remind me to write about them late. the problem is - that initial inspirational burst is way past and its just not as good as it would have been if i could have just written it then.

here is just a little taste of it...

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"the Lord can do more in your waiting than I could ever do in my doing..." how does this transfer to my own life? am i doing or am i waiting?

"in His presence there is FULNESS of joy"... my joy is circumstantial because my love for him is circumstantial.

if she only knew what she was singing. Lord, make these words the song of her soul. i pray, Father, that she would yearn.

(in chronological order as i am reading a chapter in the first book of The Chronicles of Narnia)

Chapter 9 sounds like what i hope heaven would be like.

im smiling in my seat thinking of this beautiful place.

hallelujah by brandi carlile comes on my ipod... how fitting.

aslan....

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i wish that i could give you a play by play word of all the life that is in these short lines. the Lord has been showing me so much. my fingers have literally been aching to sort through my brain and my heart...

i took one of my international friends to a concert. she is a different religion that me and i have absolutely loved getting to know her and hear all about her life. i think hearing her talk about and explain her religion is fascinating, intriguing, heart-wrenching, and thought provoking all at the same time. thoughts that i had in thailand come rushing back like they never went away... why me? God, why did you chose me? why do i get to know you and so many others do not? what would it be like NOT KNOWING anything different? would anyone ever tell me?

on the way to the concert we talk and i play some Shane&Shane to get her familiar with the band even though i only had like... 3 songs of theirs. she said she understands some of the words but not much else.

we had been in the concert around an hour, the whole time i was more nervous about if she was having fun than even really listening to the music itself. she acted like she was playing the drums in a very discrete way so i lean over and ask her if she plays.. and haha she got kind of embarrassed and said she has always wanted to play... i want to buy her a drum for christmas so bad... Shane&Shane starts playing this song and about half way through it, i hear my sweet Turkish friend singing along. so, i turn, clearly very surprised and asked how she knew the song and she simply replied 'i do not know. these words... they just came to me'

"Lord i want to yearn for You/

i want to burn with passion over You/

and only You/

Lord i want to yearn"

trigger the water works. oh that she would know what it means to BURN with passion for the Lord.

on the way back i asked her about the song and if she still remembered the words. she said the only ones she could remember were 'i want to yearn for you'. so we began to talk about what it means to yearn for something. and then it hit me... im sitting here praying for her to yearn for the Lord, but do i? do i even do what i am praying God would begin doing in others lives. am i being so prideful that i miss the lessons he is trying to teach me through other people. am i so intent on helping someone in their "weakness" that i cant see my own?

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why is my joy circumstantial? i get so frustrated that i'm that girl with the curl. you know...

"there once was a girl, who had a little curl, right in the middle of her forehead.

and when she was good she was very, very good.

but when she was bad, she was awful."

thats me. when im good, i. am. GOOD. but, when i am down, or sad, or frustrated, or overwhelmed.... i. am. AWEFUL. (ask my mom. she can tell you first hand!) and as i have though over the things i wrote in THIS blog post a few weeks ago, i slowly began to a realization that i did not want to admit to...

it's because my joy in Christ, more so, my LOVE for Christ is circumstantial.

how unchristianly does that sound?! who wants to admit that they dont LOVE Jesus all the time? not me. but, if i did, doubt, anger, frustration, and cynicism would not be seeping out of my heart.

i want my love for Christ to be as unconditional, un-circumstantial, and un-expectant as the Lords love for me is. He loves me under no conditions, no specific circumstances, and no expectations. it is pure love at its truest form. i want that. i want to give that. and i beg that the Lord keep revealing these nasty crevices in my heart that i like to burry my sin in.

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i leave the one of the most boring classes ever, stressed to the max about school and all the last minuet details for our social tonight. thinking... i just want to escape. for 10 min, i just want to not think about any of this crap. so, i go to the student center, find a chair in a corner where no one will see me and thus interrupt me, put in head phones, and open up The Chronicles of Narnia. i keep turning pages and slowly begin getting sucked out of this world to another one. becoming the characters themselves. my heart speeding up a little as i jump into a pool that leads to another world... and then i come to the most magical and refreshing words i have read in a long time....

"Far away, and down near the horizon, they sky began to turn grey. A light wind, very fresh, began to stir. The sky, in that one place, grew slowly and steadily paler. you could see shapes of hills standing up dark against it. all the time the Voice went on singing... the Cabby and the two children had open mouths and shining eyes; they were drinking in the sound, and they looked as if it reminded them of something... the eastern sky changed from white to pink and from pink to gold. the Voice rose and rose, till all the air was shaking with it. and just as it swelled to mightiest and most glorious sound it had yet produced, the sun arose..."

i stop here and realize im smiling as i read this. for some reason, all the stress of everything going on in my life had completely gone away and i caught this thought racing across my mind... i think this is what i hope heaven is like. it sounds magical, peaceful, and powerful... i look down and keep reading..

"[the sun] you could imagine that it laughed for joy as it came up. and as its beams shot across the land the travelers could see for the first time what sort of place they were in...the earth was of many colors: they were fresh, hot and vivid. they made you feel excited; until you saw the Singer himself, and then you forgot everything else. it was a Lion..."

- The Chronicles of Narnia, C.S. Lewis

if that doesn't get you jacked up for Heaven, i dont know what will. being in the full presence of Jesus. where there is FULNESS of joy. and the complete absence of anything evil. what an unfathomable day that will be!

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sadly, right as i got to that part of the book, my alarm went off, reminding me to go to THE most boring class ever. literally, THE MOST BORING. ever.

but, i went in a totally different way than i was before sitting down and escaping this world for a little while. i went having been momentarily reminded of why i am here. why i am in these boring classes. why i am breathing air in and out as i type right now.

i went knowing that i am living in this temporary world. full of evil witches, traps, and temptations. and though it can be as cold as a place that has not experienced the warmth of the sun in centuries, i cling to the promise that Aslan is on the move.

i live in light of the future glory. the hope to come. and i find joy - uncircumstantial joy - in the knowledge that my Father has sent Mr. and Mrs. beavers', Mr. Thomas's, special weapons, and brothers and sisters to fight through this temporary world with me.

so i left that table with a challenge...

am i fighting to get by, or am i fighting in light of my King?

abc.