sitting in class, i could not be more checked out. i try to listen at the beginning, with every intention of listening all the way through class. but, the teacher says one word and its like a trigger goes off...
...oh ya i do need to fill out that paper. crap! i still have all that stuff for the social next month. what day is it on.... ummm the 28th i think. or is that the wheel chair race thing? gah i cant remember. no the wheel chair thing is.... i wonder how Pbaan is doing. i have not been faithful about praying for her like i should. i wonder if she is struggling.... did i have my quiet time this morning? i think... no that was yesterday. dang it i need to do that when i get back but i have that meeting about grad school. should i go to grad school? i hate school so why would i waste my time. no.... i know i need to be logical and realistic about this. if i dont go to grad school what would i do? i need to plan out at least this next year since i have nothing. i cant bank on marriage like half my friends are... Lord is my Issac even out there? how am i supposed to know its whoever it is? ...ohhh i have to get a date for the social next month. who the heck am i supposed to take? ugh and i have to get that certificate of liability from the bar this week so its not late like last time.... wait what is he talking about...
and then i try to snap back into it and listen to the teacher, but 5 minuets later and the same thing happens. i am so sidetrack by the things that, in my head, are so much more important than what is going on in my classes. as i have talked to older people about the phase of life i am in, they keep saying relax, just trust God... wait on the Lord... enjoy where you are at!
are you kidding me?! i have never been more confused about what i should do in my life. how am i supposed to just sit and relax? i filled out the application for my diploma today and started tearing up. half because i am SO EXCITED i can barely contain it, and half because i am absolutely FREAKING OUT because i dont know what is coming next.
no, i dont know where i will be a year from now. no i dont know who i am going to marry. no i dont know where i feel the Lord is calling me. i dont know. i just dont know. but, according to seemingly everyone else, i should.
so what does it mean to trust the Lord when the inevitable is approaching and the time is coming when i have to make decisions. what does it mean to wait on the Lord when there is dead line after dead line after dead line? God, i need to here from you NOW... my heart is screaming.
JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME! i'll do it, i'll go there, i'll be that.. just tell me. please.
this is the place my heart is at and it is making me so apathetic to everything else. i am constantly stressed out. always anxious. and i feel like at any minuet i am just going to snap on someone.
"He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?"
"The king's heart is a stream of water in the hand of the LORD; he turns it wherever he will.
"...but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary;they shall walk and not faint..."
"Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!"
"The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps."
i am so frustrated in my walk with the Lord because i am praying that God would show me his will. that he would make known to be the path that HE has set in place for me. i am asking that he do with my life what he wants. so i would think that he would be excited about that and thus show me what it is he wants from me so that i can begin in the direction he has for me.
but do you hear the stupidity in my thinking? its kind of embarrassing to even write it out. to think that because i am doing ____ God owes me _____. but that is what my sinful heart wants! i dont know how to fight that thinking...
"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen..."
as this whole processes has clearly brought out alot of sin in my heart, it is now my prayer that instead of God giving me the gratification of immediacy, that instead, he would continue in not showing me. it is my prayer, pretty hesitantly, that God, in his great faithfulness, would continue teaching me what it means to walk by FAITH and not by sight.
this is where the rubber meets the road of everything that i have written on this blog since college started. i've said that i believe in Gods sovereignty, i have said that i trust his good and perfect plan, i have said that i am done asking why when hardships come because he has proven himself faithful to me, i have said that i give all of me to Him.... but now.. will i?
will i fully surrender not just my will for my future, but my actual future? i am desperitley clinging to these verses as i fight and pray that God open my clinched fists on my future...
"Therefore, having this ministry by the mercy of God, we do not lose heart. But we have renounced disgraceful, underhanded ways.
We refuse to practice cunning or to tamper with God's word, but by the open statement of the truth we would commend ourselves to everyone's conscience in the sight of God.
And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing.
In their case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.
For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake.
For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.
But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.
We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed;
perplexed, but not driven to despair;
persecuted, but not forsaken;
struck down, but not destroyed;
always carrying in the body the death of Jesus,
so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.
For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake,
so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.
So death is at work in us, but life in you.
Since we have the same spirit of faith according to what has been written, “I believed, and so I spoke,” we also believe, and so we also speak, knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence. For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God.
So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."
2 Corinthians 4
why is my faith so little when my God is so big? i want my life to be lived in hope of the eternal things unseen. draw me close to you, Father. keep growing me and maturing me. keep breaking me and molding me. i know that no good thing do you withhold....