schizophrenia.

"...to be in the world, but not of it."

what does that even mean? what does that look like? i dont know about you but, if i am acting "of the world" i want to be in it. and when i take a step back and see how empty the world can be, then i dont want to be of it. but how do you do both? how do i live as a normal, 21 year old, senior in college, and still not be of this world?

my heart wants to not be of it, but my flesh desperately wants to be in it.

my brain is split in half. half controlled by my soul, the other by my flesh.

"13 But now I am coming to you, and these things I speak in the world, that they may have my joy fulfilled in themselves. 14 I have given them your word, and the world has hated them because they are not of the world, just as I am not of the world. 15 I do not ask that you take them out of the world, but that you keep them from the evil one. 16 They are not of the world, just as I am not of the world.17 Sanctify them in the truth; your word is truth. 18 As you sent me into the world, so I have sent them into the world."

- John 17:13-18

"15"Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. 16 For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world. 17 And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.

- 1 John 2:15-17

so does that mean i dont love the Lord since i am fighting to not desire the things of this world? Am i in sin because i am trying to obey the law? do you see how confusing this is? oh but wait....

7 What then shall we say? That the law is sin? By no means! Yet if it had not been for the law,I would not have known sin... 8 But sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment, produced in me all kinds of covetousness. For apart from the law, sin lies dead....

13 Did that which is good, then, bring death to me? By no means! It was sin, producing death in me through what is good, in order that sin might be shown to be sin, and through the commandment might become sinful beyond measure...

15 For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16 Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. 17 So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.

21 So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. 22 For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, 23 but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. 24 Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?

25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin"

-Parts of Romans 7

but the beauty of the gospel is this- grace. but, there is a big difference in accepting the doctrine of grace, and abusing the doctrine of grace.

^"For if we are beside ourselves, it is for God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised.

From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ, God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation.

Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God."

- 2 Corinthians 5:13-21

do you get how huge that is? if i did, my life would look alot different. if i actually got the weight of that, if that truth really permeated my soul, i wouldn't be blogging about how torn my heart is. but praise GOD from whom ALL blessings flow. that he would BE MADE SIN so that in him, i, abby- a 21 year old, wretched sinner- might become the righteousness of God.

abc.

ps. i dont know why the spacing is all weird at the end... sorry.