Sunday, May 8, 2011


yesterday i was skyping with a good friend of mine. we hadnt talked in a while and without knowing it she brought to the surface alot of sin i had been suppressing. she was telling me about some stuff she had been struggling with and very casually made the comment, "i mean, i know its just satan attacking me. like, abby, i havent gotten in the Word in 3 days! seriously?! like 3 whole days!"

um, im sorry. really? you're like the worst christian ive ever come across! (heads up, theres alot of sarcasm in here.) after, i flipped through my journal and the last time i got in the Word, i mean really got in the word was before i started this new journal. when did i start this new journal? April 5. whats today? May 8.

and to be completely honest, it hasnt been because i havent known i needed to get in the Word, or realized that i feel so dry and so empty, or anything like that. ive known that. i feel it. my soul craves it. but ive grown so apathetic. so lukewarm.

there are so many good things about growing up in a christian home. more blessings than i could ever list. but one thing that is hard about it is the callusedness that comes with the knowledge... so many times i catch myself only doing things out of duty.

in church this morning Pastor Fleyheart talked alot about duty vs. passion.

lets be real here, how many times do we go to church on Sundays out of duty? and how many times do alot of us get in the word because we know thats what good christians do? and how many times do we sit down and talk to someone and put on this face like we are doing oh so good because, like, if we are a christian than of course we wouldnt struggle with that, or we would never go more than a month without getting in the Word, and we would NEVER not want to be a "good christian". heaven forbid.

without even meaning to, by my friends pure passion to love the Lord and be in the word, she HARD CORE brought my sin to the surface. i have been going through the motions, well some of them, and totally ignoring one of the most important ones.

my heart is so eager for more of the Lord. my soul is craving the Word.

you would think that since i am being such a good christian and going all the way to Thailand this summer that the only thing on my mind would be meditation and scripture memory and journaling and doctrine and blah blah blah. no. satan has done what he does best. he has distracted me with the biggest distraction of them all.... myself.

in the sermon today he said, "if satan cannot make you overtly sin -- he makes you busy." boom. the sin i have been trying so hard to cover up. i let satan win. yet again.

when i was at LP 2 summers ago there are only 2 things (honestly, no sarcasm here) that i actually remember from the talks. one of the guys gave a talk and in it he said "being a christian, following the Lord, having a relationship with him- whatever you want to call it- its not an emotion. walking with the Lord is a decision. and once faithful to that decision, it breads a passion"

thats where im at. again. im so up and down. but im back to the decision part. i am back to the square one of making myself get in the Word. making myself pray. making myself look for ways to worship the Lord through out my day. and all the while praying that through the faithful decisions that God would re-ignite my souls deepest passion which is for Christ to be all and to be known to all.

this semester has been a struggle. and i am bogged down by sin. but its so cool that my Father is bigger than my sin. in the last part of his sermon Fleyheart said,

"when duty and love meet -- that is where grace is at its greatest"

this is why i love walking with the Lord! its truths like this that are so freeing. there are days when its strictly out of duty that i do anything "christianly" and there are other days where i am just bustin with love.. but when the duty, or faithfulness -- when someone decides to get over their "i dont feel like doing this" attitude -- is combined with an uncanny love and joy for Christ to be known, it is then that we cant help but see and understand Gods grace to us.

this is a really scattered post but this is all just racing through my head. i just think its so incredible that God wants to show grace to a sinner like me.


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