over the past month, i've been confronted with many questions about myself that needed to be answered. questions of character. and those are the hard ones! i was faced with things about myself that i didn't want to think we're really there... emotions that i didn't want to admit that i had and thoughts that i didn't want to have.
so i did what any good christian does and i pretended that they weren't there.
fortunately, God doesn't allow that to go on for too long and i was confronted with my sins...
being here has been hard. it hasn't been fun... it's not what i wanted, at all, and so without my knowing it, Satan had slowly creeped in.
without realizing it, i started to harbor resentment towards Jake because after all, HE is the one that brought us here- far away from any kind of job that i would want, from our families, from our friends, and from all the things that i wanted to be doing. i began resenting him and thinking - how selfish is he?! how is he to tell me where i can work? why would he drag me here when CLEARLY it's not a place i would chose to be.... blah blah blah...
and don't get me wrong, the whole time we've been here, i've been working HARD on making it home. i knew coming here that it was going to be hard, and i thought i came prepared. ready to initiate time with strangers, ready to put myself out there, ready to cook and clean, ready to do all of those things. so yes, i had prepared my self for the circumstances, but i had not equipped myself for the heart of the move.
i hadn't prepared myself to fight off Satans lies. i hadn't prepared myself to preach truth to my sub-conscience....
i remembered when i first transferred to Auburn and hated it because it wasn't where i wanted to be (sound familiar? ha..) and my sister told me, "there is nothing that God is doing in your life NOW that isn't preparing you for something in your life LATER" and, here i am. same story, different city.
i've had to really go back to the basics. and don't get me wrong, honestly it's still not better or really even that much easier, but i am more equipped to fight these lies...
as i was thinking through things last night and this morning 3 things came to mind.
i am certain, i am confident, and i am called.
i am certain of not only Jake's decision in bringing our little family here, but i am certain of Gods will over our lives and over our marriage. i am certain that we are here for a specific purpose that the Lord is still in the process of carrying out. i am certain of Jake's love and provision for me. i am certain of all the prayers, thoughts, and conversations that lead us here. and i am certain that this is exactly where God has us for now.
i am confident in Jake's walk with the Lord and thus unbelievably confident in his ability to lead me. i am 100% confident in the Lords sovereignty over my life and over Jake's. i am confident that God will provide friends, community, a job that i love, and a heart of humility. i am confident that we are in the noonday sun!
and lastly, i have been called. i have been called by my Father to pick up my cross daily and surrender to Him. i have been called to unconditionally and sacrificially love and serve Jake. i have been called to follow- to die to myself and follow my husbands leadership. i have been called to seek the Lord with all that is in me. i have been called to the greatest calling- to walk faithfully with my Heavenly Father, trusting his every plan.
i see now, my sin. and i am thus reminded of Gods great love for me. that WHILE i am a sinner, Christ died for me. i can see Jake's love for me in the patience he shows, the grace he extends to me, and the time to process my thoughts that he gives me. i am reminded, yet again of Joy in the trials.
to close, there was a quote today at sunday school that I think directly applies to this all...
"marriage is a call to die to self... Christian marriage vows are the inception of a lifelong practice of death, of giving over not all you have, but all you are. Is this a grim gallows call? Not at all!! It is no more grim than dying to self and following Christ. In fact, those who lovingly die for their spouses are those who know the most joy, have the most fulfilling marriages, and experience the most love!"
- R. Kent Hugh's