Wednesday, November 6, 2013

lies and longing.

i never wanted this blog to turn into a 'mommy blog' or a 'hey im married blog', but the whole point of this blog is for me to process through my heart and, well, i am married. so that's really the main thing i have to process through. 

i knew full well coming into this that jake could not and would not satisfy me. and i know that nothing on this earth will satisfy me. but thats the frustrating thing about having an inborn sin-nature. no matter how much i KNOW that, it is still a struggle! 

i've avoided blogging on here because i in NO way want to put a negative spin on being married and so i've had a hard time figuring out how to word things. so, let me start by saying that marrying jake has been the BEST thing that has ever happened to me. 

not to be cheesy, but i fall more in love with him every day. i love the routine that we have finally gotten in the swing of. i love waking up with him. i love sitting on the couch, snuggling with riggins and eating our breakfast. i love annoying the HECK out of him. i love cheering him on on Friday nights. i love listening to him pray for our little family. i love everything about being married to jake.  

and STILL, satan creeps into my heart. there is still this small hint of discontentment that over time will grow and grow until i break down. those thoughts of "you are only 23 years old and you go to high school football games every friday night? cool." or "you are standing here with laundry going and doing dishes on a wednesday night... you only live once abby. you should be enjoying life"... those kind of thoughts. the same thoughts that consumed Eve in the Garden. "Surely you will not ACTUALLY die...." 

satan has a way of so slyly creeping into my thought process. i wish with everything in me that i was better at fighting off those lies. but i am not. and so when i finally cave. when i finally break down with frustration of being so full of lies, i swear i can almost here the Lord saying, "be still and KNOW that I am God."

so what i have turned to so many times recently is this song. i go and sit on my porch and listen to it, or i blare it in the car.

it is amazing how worship can wash out satan so quickly. 

this morning was one of those. jake and i have been in one car for the past week and are for the rest of this week. on my way back from the school this morning, i listened to the song 3 times! and on the last one, sitting there at a red light, my hands were open along with my heart. finally. and tears just streamed down my face as i sang the truth that the Lord, and ONLY the Lord can revive my heart. the truth that all my desserts are turned to rivers of joy. and being reminded, yet again, that there is a longing in my heart that no husband, no house, no fashion blog, no "cool life", can fill. "there is still a longing, a longing in my heart..." And what a sweet reminder it is that "only You can satisfy, You are the well that never will run dry."


1 comment:

  1. yep. i needed to read this. thank you for keeping up this blog dear sister!