engagement.

on October 26th i got to answer a question that i had been waiting for, dreaming about, wondering about, praying for, and hoping for for my whole life. the man of my dreams asked me to marry him!! since then, it has been a funny, frustrating, and eye-opening journey.

the way i had always dreamed of my engagement going was to get engaged, the next week be filled with UNBELIEVABLE joy and excitement. talking about plans and wishes with my family and anyone else. i always thought that within the first month of being engaged that i would already have the date, the engagement pictures done, and moving full speed ahead on any other decisions pertaining to THE day. i thought it would be all fairytales and butterflies.

well. i was wrong. granted, our situation is a little different than most, i would venture to say that no ones engagement is like that. jake and i have had to deal with alot of real life in the past 2 months and it has made our engagement incredible, but not at all what i had always dreamed of. there have been tears, arguments, hurt feelings, frustration, disappointment, and misunderstandings...

we started premarital counseling last week and the pastor doing it said something that really made some stuff click for me. he said, "it is impossible to enter into new things without false expectations. one of my jobs in our time here is to at least cut those false expectations in half so that you are both prepared. its better to get hit by a 2x4 if you know its coming, rather than be blindsided by it."

i entered into engagement with a million and one false expectations. i expected day-to-day life to be like engagement pictures. perfect, flawless, lovey-dovey, and care-free. the "pinterest engagement" if you will. and the hard times we have gone through in these past 2 months has been the Lord cutting out all my false expectations.

we are talking about marriage here. the first few steps to preparing for a lifetime covenant. a day-in-day-out relationship where life is constantly thrown at you. you are faced with financial issues, family problems and struggles, things not happening in your timing or in the way that you wanted them to...

what i have learned about myself, about jake, about the Lord, and about our relationship are things that i never want to lose. lessons that i pray will stay with me my entire life.

have these past 2 months been what i always thought and dreamed engagement would be like? no. not in the least. have these past 2 months been an incredible journey that i would not trade for anything? absolutely.

my gracious heavenly Father has validated this relationship over, and over, and over. in every hurt feeling, every tear, every frustration, every disappointment, every misunderstanding... everything has deepened my love for jake, built my excitement for our wedding day, and given me a peace that the Lord is not done with either of us yet.

i cannot wait till we set a date and know the day that will start the rest of our lives together. but what i cant wait for even more than that is the next day, and the next day, and the next day. i cant wait for our LIFETIME together. to do what we have been doing in our engagement - living life together.

abc.

i said yes!

i am so excited to finally have time to sit down and write out everything that has happened. this past week has gone by at like a million miles per hour…. i cant believe i am engaged!! it still hasn’t really sunk in. but, here is the story and some pictures!!

so on monday last week, my boss called me to change my schedule and informed me that i was going to be working with Deborah getting trained as the Personal Shopper/Stylist! My boss informed me that I would be working individually with clients and so I needed to come dressed very “wealthy” as she put it haha

So friday rolls around and i am PUMPED to go to work… but when i get there, to my dismay, i get to do NO styling. so i was confused and very angry. So my friend courtney and I had planned to go to dinner that night after work and i was really excited to get a margarita and vent to her about how i didn’t get to dress anyone! I also took my merry little time after work and bought myself some really pretty pitty jewelry (little did I know i would be having a WONDERFUL addition soon! ha) so i get home (30 mins late) and decide not to go inside and just wait in the car for Court to get there… what i didnt know was that she was creepily parked across the street in my neighbors drive way just watching me. so she calls and says she has to use the restroom and for me to go inside and wait for her. i told her she was lame but i obeyed and headed inside.

When i get up to my back door, there are 4 candles just sitting there lit. on the steps. and i think… “well that is just CREEPY” (i thought Jakes mom was at the beach and that my parents were at Lukes football game that Jake was coaching at. i legitimately had NO EARTHLY IDEA and was not expecting it at all). well once I open the door, i see the sign on the door that says “Forever and Always” (jake and I’s thing we would say to each other in high school haha ohhhhhh the cheese.) so then i start to get real emotional. I get to the next door and there is another sign with 3 things on it but i dont really remember what they said but basically it told me to walk inside and when i opened the door it was magical.

the entire house was candle lit and it was beautiful! there was a candle path to a little chair for me to sit in and watch a video he has put together. it was a slide show of pictures of us from 9th grade until now! complete with tim mcgraw, eli young, and dave barnes… the essential ‘mushers’ in jake and I’s minds! it was precious. at the end it told me to walk outside and he would meet me out there….

so i walk out of that room and walk up into our kitchen and when i turn the corner i lose it. my entire back yard (2 full acres) was lit up like a fairytale! every tree had white twinkling christmas lights, there were hundreds of little candles, little lanterns, and then big white paper lanterns hung in the tree…. i mean it literally took my breath away. so i start BALLING.

i walk towards the back door and before i walk out there is a frame at the end of the table and in the frame is a journal entry from the morning after he told me his feelings for me in Charleston back in January. this was one of my favorite parts of the whole thing. it was his prayer for our relationship. and it really showed just how well he knew me. he was thanking the Lord for bringing me back into his life and him saying that he KNEW that i was who the Lord had for him to spend the rest of his life with. But, it was also his prayer for the Lord to reveal that to me in His own timing because Jake knew that i didn’t know that yet. It may sound weird, but it was just so cool to me that Jake prayed for patience on his part because he knew that my heart hadn’t yet come to the same conclusion as his and he was ok with that.

so i try to pull myself together and then i walk outside where my Oh so handsome man is waiting for me! when i get there, the GREATEST thing happened. he told me he loved me. we agreed back in January that we didn’t want to grow accustomed or numb to those heavy words so we had not said them to each other. it was probably the greatest thing my ears have ever heard! im smiling just thinking about it ha.

so then he takes my hand and walks me to under my favorite tree in our backyard and tells me alot of wonderful things that i honestly cannot remember!! and then he got down on one knee….. and BOOM!

i said YES!!! 

 this is when he was telling me some wonderful things that i cant remember…

this is when he asked me to be his WIFE!!!!

this was right after i said YES!!!

 aaaaaaaand these are the cheesy “right after” shots that i am pretty obsessed with!!

 after all that we went inside and he had my favorite dinner waiting on me, then took me to JenSei (a favorite of mine) for what i thought was just for he and I and when i got there, about 25 of my close friends were waiting for us with champaign and wedding magazines! then after that, he told me we had one more stop. so we headed back to the house and he had my family, his family, and all our close family friends there waiting for us with a beautiful cake, yummy cupcakes, and story time! it really was the most perfect night of my life! 

i could not be more in love and i am so happy to FINALLY be able to freely say it!

 it is just so neat to me that the Lord loves me and jake enough to take us down the paths that he did, for us to learn in the ways that we did the things that we did, so that moments like October 26, 2012 could be so fully enjoyed. my heart could not be any more full!

abc.

serendipity.

i opened my blog and sat down to try and write something. anything. but, i couldn't really think of anything to type... i am blessed with the opportunity this summer to intern with Nations Outfitters and it has been SO MUCH FUN. well, one of my jobs for them is to blog... so, for a small update on what is going on in my heart... click the link! 

 http://changingseasonsnations.blogspot.com/2012/06/serendipity.html

abc.

a failure.

i am, basically, done with college in 2 days. i dont technically graduate till august, but my time here in auburn is done in 2 days. when i think back to THIS time, it is crazy that i am sitting here talking about actually being done.

i remember SO distinctly this one day sophomore year... i was at southern union and had just talked with some of my friends up at Wofford. they were telling me about a super fun night they had had a few nights before and how they missed me and wished i could have been there. then i went back to that HORRIBLE place, Cambridge (my first apt), and lost it. i cried and cried and cried. i mean, snot-nosed, fetal position, wailing type of cry. and i will never forget thinking 'no one here misses me. no one here even really knows im here. and if they do, unless they've had to leave a school and group of friends that they love, they will never be able to understand what is going on in my life. i am NEVER going to get out of here....' i remember it like it was yesterday.

and now... im here. im done. im leaving.

but... thats where the conflict inside sets in.

my whole life i have longed for this day to get here. i never have to do school again! i finally get to move on to what i have wanted to do my whole life! and i never have to take an pointless tests or do stupid projects or anything ever. again.

this point of my life though is not how i pictured it....

no one thinks of graduating college and then.... moving back home.

[now before i go any further, i want to be very clear on this - i only think this way in terms of me. i have a number of friends... MANY... who, after graduation moved back home. i think that is AWESOME for them. but this whole post is in terms of me, and strictly me. so please dont anyone read into anything or assume that i am speaking indirectly to people. im not. i am talking strictly in terms of me.]

my whole life i have dreamed about getting done with college so that i could finally be free to do whatever it is i wanted to do. if i wanted to be a movie star, i could. if i wanted to start a free camp for inner-city kids to come to and possibly board at, i could. if i wanted to move to India to labor among the Hindi there, i could. if i wanted to get married, i could. if i wanted to move to New York and pursue my obsession with all things hair, makeup, and fashion, then i could. but im finally to this idolized point in my life and i am doing none of those. i am simply moving back home.
and to me, i see myself as a failure.

in my eyes, i have let myself down. i have not made the most of my life. i have settled and copped-out and not been able to make it on my own.

i love my home. i absolutely adore my parents and each of my siblings. i want to be near home so i can be everyones favorite aunt. i want to KNOW my siblings and what is going on in their lives. i want to have my parents near me so that they can continue teaching me, guiding me, and pouring into me in all the incredible ways that they have. NONE of this has anything to do with my physical, biological, actual home. my home is literally my favorite place in this entire world. i could talk all day about the sounds i couldn't live without, the smell of it, the peace i feel the second i walk in the door, the life that those walls have seen... i could literally write for FOREVER about how much i love my home and how much i love being home.

i dont want to move back home because i dont want to move back to birmingham. i dont want to move back to the pressures that are at home. i dont want to move back somewhere that i feel constantly watched. always scrutinized under a magnifying glass. i dont want to move back to birmingham because there is SO MUCH PRESSURE. not from my family, but from what i like to call "the stands". you know... the people that sit in the stands at sporting events and every person that walks by they have a comment about? thats what birmingham is to me. me on a playing field and a multitude of "stands" around me, silently commenting on my every move.

so when i say "home" i mean birmingham, not my home.

that all being said, when you are a college graduate there is a MASSIVE difference in going at home and moving home.

this weekend, i went home. tuesday, i move home.

what happened to my dreams? what happened to taking the world by storm the second i get my degree? what happened to changing and saving lives? what happened to taking the Gospel to the people that have almost NO MEANS OF HEARING IT?! what happened? how did i get here?

did i misread part of Gods plan? did i make a wrong decision? where did i go wrong? where did i screw something up? where did i start messing up how awesome my life was supposed to be?

...isnt satan good at feeding lies?

this whole semester those feelings have been pushed down, ignored, deflected... and i finally decided to face them. why do i feel that way? i know its not true, so why am i believing them?

as i have tried to sort through all of this and why i am feeling this way, it has been almost funny. almost.

there is this sermon that Tim Keller preached called "The Blessed Self-Forgetfulness". if you have never listened to it- stop reading. RIGHT NOW. and go listen to it. it WILL change your walk with the Lord.

anyways, in it he askes (my paraphrasing) why when we close our eyes to imagine, that we only image things for ourselves in the way that glorifies our own selves the most... and its true. if yall got inside my head when i day dreamed... oh. my. gosh.

i save the world, i cure cancer, i adopt every orphan in the entire world, i am a famous movie star that is an amazing role model for girls all over the globe that has time to radically change the fashion industry in just 1 week....

those aren't really what i want to do. obviously. but i have always had this weird but VERY consistent and urging feeling that the Lord has something strangely perfect in store for me... but what i have realized is that i had began to idolize that feeling into a worldly understanding. I began thinking of that strangely perfect things in tangible terms instead of kingdom terms. i realized that i  want to go do big great things because i want people to think highly of me. i want people to think 'wow, she is doing big things! her family must be so proud!'. approval of man instead of God. why, abby, are you letting something as fleeting as a human dictate your joy?

and i have seen so. much. sin. in my thinking.

i KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Lord has me at home this summer... and probably this fall. i know that the Lord has so much in store to teach me. i know that i have already learned so much about humility and i am sure there is alot more on that subject to come. i KNOW that the Lord is for me and that he has plans of a HOPE and of a FUTURE!

i had allowed satan to feed me lies for too long. i allowed him to seep in and train my brain to think failure. failure. failure. you are nothing but a failure. HDFS? whats that? thats not a doctor. thats not a teacher. thats not even a a real major. thats just a stupid MRS degree that you dont even want. failure. you are nothing but a failure.

well, im done. im done allowing him to tell me that. im done being manipulated and i am done allowing myself to think that my Heavenly Father does not have a GOOD and PERFECT plan for my life.

will it be a fight? hell yes. it might be that i have to wake up every morning this summer and pound my head into my pillow and yell - GOD. IS. FOR. YOU. - but if so, then thats what ill do.

that blog post i referenced at the beginning is EXACTLY why i started blogging. because in that post, these were my same thoughts. people are going to think that i couldn't handle being that far from home, people are going to think that i couldn't make it at Wofford... mans approval... i have failed.

what i have learned from when i wrote all that till now is that God is faithful. there has yet to be a time in my life where i faced something hard and did not see the Lord use it for good. there has never. not once. been a time in my life when i could have questioned the Lords sovereignty.

so. to satan, to the silent commentators, to the pressures that i feel from the birmingham world, screw you.

like many of my posts end, i am fighting for joy during this time. i am choosing to fix my eyes on Jesus and his promises and begging Him to not allow my heart to wander.

i am SO looking forward to spending all this time with my two knuckle-heads of little brothers, i am pumped about getting alot of time with my niece and nephew, i am so excited about being around my parents wisdom for a solid 3 more months at the least, i am SO PUMPED to intern with Nations Outfitters and get to work under a woman as wise, godly, and driven as Mrs. Lisa-Ann, i am excited to be near Lindsey and Colby and learn from their marriage, I am excited about the possibility of going to visit Will, Christine and Baby Cunningham as they start the next chapter of their lives, I am really excited about finally being in the same city as Jake... I am genuinely excited about alot of things. and i am fianally at peace about moving back to birmingham. and i am so looking forward to all that the Lord will teach me....

"My foes are many
They rise against me
But I will hold my ground
I will not fear the war
I will not fear the storm
My help is on the way
My help is on the way

Oh, my God
He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear
His promise is true
My God will come through always
Always

Trouble surrounds me
Chaos abounding
My soul will rest in You
I will not fear the war
I will not fear the storm
My help is on the way
My help is on the way

I lift my eyes up
My help comes from the Lord"
      -Always , Passion City Band

abc.

QOTW.

i hope this is what all my nieces, nephews, kids, and grandkids say about me.

abc.

IM SO EXCITED.

this is what i feel like doing.

right now.

in the middle of the silent floor of the library.

so today has been..... AWESOME.

-i found out i will indeed, pass college!!!!!! i got a 73 on my Econ test and no, you do not have ANY idea what a massive deal this is.

- i have completely finished my 25 page paper for "my favorite class ever"

- i have also completely finished my MASSIVE life-folio, also for "my favorite class ever"

- i am done with MASSIVE project that i have for another class tomorrow that was A COMPLETE waste of time

- i get to see Jake in 10 days

- today was my LAST MONDAY OF SCHOOL EVER!!!!!!!!!!!

- and THIS is the biggest news of all, but im not sure if i am at liberty to disclose it yet, so i'll just keep you on the edge of your seat.

hope your Monday is this much of a funday!

abc.

no more pizza.

so for a long time now i have known that i am scatterbrained. im not a planner, which always keeps life interesting and fun, but also makes life stressful at times because i forget stuff ALL. THE. TIME.

i've been praying that the Lord would teach me discipline for a long time.... and i haven't seen that happen. but then i realized. just because i ask for cake doesn't mean im going to get it. if i really want it, sometimes you have to bake it. actually, usually you have to make it! unless its your birthday but that only happens once a year- so for analogies sake.. well that works perfect. sometimes you can pray for something and it will simply, happen. but alot of times, you have to pray for something but also do your part.

with the start of a new month i decided for the start to some lifestyle changes. this should be interesting...

i've been thinking about this since about mid-march. and so i started last week because i knew i couldn't just start everything yesterday.

i cleaned my car! trunk and all. now, if you have ever ridden in my car then you will understand what a big deal this is. and by clean i mean i vacuumed, scrubbed, threw away, dusted, washed, waxed, air-freshened and all!

i rearranged my room and then cleaned it and the bathroom. vacuumed, scrubbed, folded, hung, and more.

then i finished off all my bad-for-you food and cleaned out my parts of the fridge.

so when April 1st rolled around i was able to start the month with a clean car, clean room, and a fridge of healthy, yummy looking food!

my goal for the month is to keep this up. i want to be disciplined, so i am setting up my life to make myself accountable! we'll see how this goes....

my goal is to keep a clean car, clean room, eat paleo, and meet with the Lord in some way every day for the month of April. They say it only takes 21 days to make a habit... the way i see it, that gives me 10 extra days to make things concrete! i have a list taped to my mirror to be reminded every day. asking myself 6 simple things:

have i prayed, quite timed, exercised, ROAK-ed, eaten healthy, and laughed. simple enough, right?

dont misunderstand me though. as lofty as this whole thing is... i've already screwed up! i got up to eat breakfast and i saw the eggs and thought 'thats what you should eat' then i looked down a shelf and saw a mellow mushroom pizza box that i SWEAR had a halo around it. so i ate the pizza. I ATE PIZZA FOR BREAKFAST! ON DAY 2!!! but no worries. dinner was pecan crusted chicken and baked asparagus! heres to hoping tomorrow morning will be a win.

abc.

QOTW.

abc.

QOTW.

amen.

abc.