why.

so i have been pretty frustrated with the Lord lately. we had the idols talk the other week and that’s when it kind of all started. over the past two years, the Lord has VERY clearly shown me what my idols are by taking them 100% away. and slowly I have become more and more ok with that. and i have now gotten to the point where i see why He did, and i am truly grateful for them being taken away.

going into the idols talk i was pretty confident because i was pretty sure the Lord wasn’t going to reveal to me any more idols. and he didn’t. but he did reveal something to me that’s been really hard. its my lack of faith in Him. sitting there listening to everything Francisco had to say, i found my self getting more and more frustrated with God. i started asking myself why about everything….

why did you have to take that friend away from me? why did you have to make me transfer schools? why did you make project SO hard last summer when all i needed was encouragement? why have i not been back to the same place since christmas of my freshman year? why do i have no idea what i am supposed to do after college? why do you have me at the 1 college i said i would never go to? why do i feel like you are not calling me to cosmetology when that has been what i’ve wanted to do for years now? why can you not just give me what i want! why, God, are you withholding things from me?

and then it hit me. boom. the lie that i believe over and over and over. God is withholding something from me. and i have been angry! really angry. God just give me what i want! why is that such a bad thing?!

i have gotten so frustrated because its not like the things i want are bad! i want consistency, i want something solid, i want clarity, i want answers.

and i realize now why i am so frustrated. that consistency, that firm, solid knowledge, the clarity and answers i want so badly will NEVER be found in the things i was looking for them in. they will only be found in my Savior. and it is when i have that firm, deeply rooted foundation in Christ that all the other things Christ has been striping away from me will give me any fulfillment. find my satisfaction in Christ and then he will give me the desires of my heart. it is then that he will make my righteousness like the light and my judgment like the noonday sun. it is when all my soul desires is Christ that there will be no shadows…

i love this song, but its lyrics have really hit me hard this week…

"In your ocean, I'm ankle deep

I feel the waves crashin' on my feet

It's like I know where I need to be

But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe

When your tide rushes over me

There's only one way to figure out

Will ya let me drown, will ya let me drown

Hey now, this is my desire

Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful

To touch me, I know that I'm in reach

'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful

Oh, something beautiful

And the water is risin' quick

And for years I was scared of it

We can't be sure when it will subside

So I won't leave your side, no I can't leave your side

Hey now, this is my desire

Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful

To touch me, I know that I'm in reach

'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful

Oh, something beautiful

In a daydream, I couldn't live like this

I wouldn't stop until I found something beautiful

When I wake up, I know I will have

No, I still won't have what I need

Hey now, this is my desire

Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful

To touch me, I know that I'm in reach

'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful

Oh, something beautiful"

abc.