just scratching the surface.

its funny reading through past entries on here. it hasn't even been a year and after rereading, rooted. , so much in my life has changed since then. i have changed so much since then. i laughed pretty hard when i was reminiscing about writing this. i thought it was so creative to name my personalities. now i think it just sounds a little schizo haha!

about 2 years ago, my little brother tanner and i were riding in the car. now- tanner is a man of few words. but when he starts talking, he knows what hes talking about. he is very insightful, he keeps things to himself, and hes very deep. we are VERY different, but i love having true conversations with him. so, we were in the car and he had been really quite, so i knew he was thinking. he grabbed my ipod- which he knows if off limits in my car- and said he had a song to play me that always made him think of me. he turned on "one more mouth" by Josh Ritter. to this day, it is my favorite song and the most played song on my itunes. 153 times to be exact.

we listened to it all the way through and i didn't really get how it reminded him of me. so i sat there silently waiting for him to explain. then he rewinded it to a part and played these few lines again...

"You act like you don't need nobody else

And you dance like you don't need nobody else

And all the other moths need light To circle round

while you just fly

Around yourself"

i think i've gotten to the point where i know how to balance "stacy" and "leyla". the Lord has been so faithful to point me in the direction with a clear understanding of where i feel He has me. and in doing that i have grown into my own skin. i feel like i really am finally at a place where i am happy to be me, and content in it. i feel like now i am moving on to the next battle within myself. my issue of independence and control.

when tanner played me those lines again, it hit me hard. no one was supposed to be able to see through my walls. no one was supposed to be able to tell that i ACT like im fine by myself. but t did, and he called me out on it. and 2 years later, because of alot of different circumstances in my life, im finally owning up to it. and i feel, im only scratching the surface of some deeper rooted issue.

i've been seeing, through a few relationships i have with specific people, that theres alot of things im holding onto that i have GOT to surrender to the Lord. my pride, my plan (you'd think i'd have learned this one by now haha), my emotions, my thoughts, my needs, my desires...

i think sometimes i think that if people knew i needed them, like really needed them, then they would see me as weak and insecure. when really, i need them because they encourage me, the uplift me, and they make me a better person. i think vulnerability scares the crap out of me because it'll let people see how needy i am. and i dont like thinking im a needy person.

but is that really a bad thing? i dont know... i think sometimes it can be good to know someone needs you in their life.

what it boils down to is a pride issue. and i think that is something i am going to struggle with my whole life. its my pride that doesnt want me to admit i cant do everything on my own. its pride that keeps me from letting people see me broken. its pride that keeps me from telling people closest to me that i need them. its pride that makes me "act like i dont need nobody else"...

C.S. Lewis' chapter "The Great Sin" in Mere Christianity hits the nail on the head. (go read it. its insanely good.) over christmas break, at new years conference, and all next semester- i think i know what issue ill be working on.... oh what fun!

abc.

ultimate creativity.

for those of you who dont know me that well, i love getting to create. i think thats why i love cutting hair, doing makeup, fashion and all that so much. i love painting, i love designing things, i love imagining... i just really like creating things!

i have been thinking about that alot lately and thinking about how the great artist of today think of the art they create. and some of my close friends, they are SO creative and so talented-but where do they get their inspiration from? where do i get mine from?

i get mine from people, from nature, from emotions, from memories, from life... i found this quote and in a weird way, it kind of embodies the realization i've come to. (it seems like an obvious realization but whatever)

"We are told to remember the idea, not the man. Because a man can fail. He can be killed and forgotten. But 400 years later, an idea can still change the world. I've witnessed firsthand the power of ideas.i've seen people killed in the name of them; and died defending them. but you cannot touch an idea, cannot hold it or kiss it. an idea does not bleed, it cannot feel pain, and it does not love. and it is not an idea that i miss, it is a man....a man i will never forget"

-V for Vendetta

when it comes to creativeness, or imagining, or being original- all of us are inspired originalist. which, in essence, isn't true originality. Yes, you may see it in that specific way for the first time and that is original, but whatever you thought of came from an inspired source. there is only one person that is truly original. all the rest of us get our 'original ideas' from outside sources. the only artist who ever created from NOTHING is God. thats so cool! realizing this has made painting and photography and all the other stuff so much more exciting. the inspiration i get is kind of like a form of worship i guess because it is taking something the Lord has created and appreciating it for even the simplest value.

the quote above is really intriguing to me. it says we are told to remember the idea, not the man. i, like the character speaking, disagree. i think we should appreciate, enhance, and love the idea- but i think we should always remember the man. the One the idea, in its most basic form, came from.

(im going to go off on a tangent for a second and then ill get to my point.... promise.)

i love tattoos. i think that they are fascinating. i LOVE looking at people that have a ridiculous amount of tattoos. i think sleeves are legit. why? because there is something behind every drop of ink on that person. every tattoo that person has ever gotten, they have a reason. it may be a really dumb one, but theres a reason. i like going up and talking to strangers about their tattoos and asking if they'll tell me the story behind them. you'd be amazed and what some people will tell a complete stranger.

that being said, alot of them will say in some round about way that the reason they got their first tattoo was because they wanted 1. something permanent to always remind them of something or 2. they want to be a display of art.

also, as i have been in college and have been so many places in my short career, i have talked to a variety of girls. and my eyes have been opened to just how much image insecurities effect girls- every aspect of our lives. i have had conversation after conversation about self-image insecurities that lead to other really hard struggles. it breaks my heart to hear of what some of my friends have and are going through simply because they do not believe that they truly are beautiful.

to the tattooist that wants to be art, and to any girl that doesn't see herself as fearfully and wonderfully made... thats where this post is inspired from. because i think people should realize that YOU are a perfectly handcrafted, 100% original, inspired work of art.

the Lord created from nothing and in the end said "this is good". i think more people need to believe that. more girls need to see when they look in the mirror that God said not only that this is good, but numerous times he says we are created in HIS image and we were made beautiful. and i guess this isn't just for girls. guys too.

i think its so cool that now when i paint, or take a picture, or journal, or listen to music, or do anything that involves the arts, i am getting to first hand experience just one aspect of the Lords creativeness. i like that i have that in common with Him.

abc.

analogies out the wazoo.

i have a slight obsession with analogies. one day i might right an entire book on all the analogies i can think of. there is just something about making something understandable from something else that just fascinates me. actually, the first post i ever blogged on here was about the analogy of a trees roots...

this summer while on beach project, i had a friend who had an equal appreciation for analogies. we would go on analogy runs and then talk about all the ones we thought of after as encouragement for starting the day. you'd be amazed at all the analogies that can come just from running and some sunrises!

while on a run to go watch the sunrise,we had such an encouraging conversation about how no matter how dark the night it, the sunlight always eliminates the darkness. like the Psalm says, "but joy comes in the morning..." those words are so true. go watch a sunrise and tell me if your day isn't 10 times better. seeing the darkness brighten and then witnessing the gorgeous colors that come out is truly indescribable. and it is so encouraging to know that that is what the Lord has done in each believers life. that beautiful sunrise is like the beautiful transformation that takes place in a persons heart when the Lord comes in and pierces the darkness. the light always overcomes.

over thanksgiving break i got to go to the mountains and as you could probably imagine, analogies were being made left and right. (the picture above is from a sunset there, not a sunrise from this summer...)

one night while in gatlinburg, we saw this water fountain that had fire coming out of the top. and for some reason it reminded me of Romans 7 when Paul talks about when he wants to do good, evil is right there to tempt him. and it blows my mind that i can have something so incredible as the Holy Spirit in me, yet i also have such an ugly inborn nature to sin. how can 2 things so opposing come from the same source? kind of like this fire and water. they shouldn't be together, but they are.

another one that, i think, hit me the hardest was when i was shooting this tree that had the coolest looking mushrooms and moss on it. the colors were so vibrant and the dew was melting off of them so they were kind of glistening in the sunlight... it was beautiful. and i realized, thats what satan does with sin. he makes it look so appealing and easy. he makes it look like its not that bad or it wont really hurt me that much. but if i was to pick one of those mushrooms and eat it, they're poisonous and will make me seriously sick. its the same with sin. look at Adam and Eve. he took something as nutritious as fruit, made it beautiful and appealing causing Eve to question the truth she knew. how many times a day do i do that?!

another thing that i feel like has been a theme in my life recently is events or emotions that cannot be put into words. (this realization came while thinking of another analogy that is way too long to type!)

my dads birthday was last week and as i sat down to write him a letter, i realized no matter how long a letter with the most amazing adjectives and descriptive words, there was physically no way for me to express in human terms my admiration, love, and respect for my dad.

then thanksgiving day came around and we have this tradition where we go in a circle and each have these kernels of corn that represent things we are thankful for. and as i was trying to pick which 2 to say, i realized i could never put into words my love and joy that comes from being with my family and each sibling.

and while i was in the mountains, i stood there in this huge valley looking at hills after hills of gorgeous trees, animals, weeds, and flowers and could never put into words how small it made me feel. and at the same time how amazing it is to me that even with me being that small, i had the creator of all of that beauty die. just for me. because he loves me immensely. it blows my mind.

and not too long before that i was looking at the stars one night and had that same feeling of being so small yet at the same time feeling so incredibly loved by my Father.

and in coming back to auburn i went to dinner with 3 close friends that really are amazing girls. we were all sitting at dinner catching each other up on our breaks, talking about funny things that happened, just enjoying each others company... and i had this surreal moment when i sat there, listening to one of them talk about how funny the conversation we were having now is when thinking about where we all were this time last year, and i kind of wanted to cry because i am so thankful for where the Lord has me and how he got me here. was it easy? heck no techno. was it fun? not really. but now, i know my self, and my Savior in a way i never thought i would have have the most amazing friends in the world. (like ones that will stay up till 2 to hang snowflakes in the kitchen even when we both have an 8am the next morning haha!!)

i could never put into words how i feel about all that has happened in my life recently. i wish i could, but there just aren't words that could accurately portray exactly how i feel. and honestly, im kinda ok with that. i wish i could explain exactly whats going on in my heart, but in a way i think that would take away some of the excitement of it. its a joy that cannot be explained.

abc.

things i love.

with this rainy weather, its really gotten me in a sentimental mood. i dont know why. i guess because in every movie its raining when they have enlightening moments or break downs or whatever. anyways- the rain has brought more than just the cold, its brought a very happy mood for abby with it! so going into this thanksgiving break there are ALOOOOOT that i will be thankful for. some of which i can share, and others i cant. but of what i can, i thought i would!

things that i love:

my family. duh. they're the bomb diggity. being at auburn. with an 11-0 season haters! (cam and i are getting married. just so every knows. the save the dates will come out soon.) all my new friends. in auburn, from this summer, and everywhere else, getting to go to Thialand!! (blog about that to come soooooon) peppermint hot chocolate and scarves, sweet potatoe casserole, cowboy boots, being done with my nutrition class, seeing the Lord be faithful in yet another season of my life, skype so i can stay in touch with all my crazy friends, good music (mumford and sons, vitamin string quartet, andrew belle, the civil wars, rihanna, band perry... just to name a few), letters from friends in the mail, pictures. duh. fall smelling candles, my bike, a sweet new journal i got, BBQ house with the ginster, ZTA, good quotes, my bestie, painting, stumbleupon, the leaves changing, aubie, coke zero....

i could keep going. there are so many small things that i am genuinly so thankful for! and there are so many HUGE things that i could not thank the Lord enough for. theres really no point to this blog except to say that i am so blessed and so thankful for all the Lord is doing in my heart and life. i think we all have alot to be thankful for this season!

abc.

Mmm Mmm good.

i tried another recipe from The Noble Pig and it was just as good, if not better than the last! this one was jumbo stuffed shells with vodka sauce... seriously, SO good.

it had this weird cheese in it that was so expensive.... gruyere cheese! but it added so much flavor to the sauce. i loved it!

when i was getting the groceries to make this at publix, i slowly started realizing how expensive it is to eat good. i never really appreciated having a home cooked, from scratch, dinner every night. but now that i see how much is behind just one meal it makes me really appreciate all the cooking, cleaning, preparing... that my mom has done for all these years.

i wish someone would invent dishes that cleaned themselves or something. after boiling, straining, mixing, pouring, stuffing, baking, serving, and eating there is a butt ton of dishes to do! and i will be the first to tell you that i am not the cleanest of people and so i would definitly prefer to just not do them! but, with 8 other girls in the house... that just wouldn't fly. so 3 loads in the dishwasher later and im done..

it was well worth it though because we only have about 1 serving of leftovers and it was SO yummy!

abc.

yearn.

holy design

this place in time

that i might seek and find my God

my God

Lord i want to yearn for You

i want to burn with passion

over You and only You

Lord i want to yearn

Your joy is mine

yet why am i fine

with all my singing and bringing grain

in light of Him

oh You give life and breath

through Him You give all things

in Him we live and move

that's why i sing

- Yearn by Shane and Shane

acts 17:25-28:

"...nor is he served by human hands, as though he needed anything, since he himself gives to all mankind life and breath and everything. and he made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all he face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of the dwelling place, that they should seek God, in the hope that they might feel their way toward him and find him. yet he is actually not far from each one of us, for 'in Him we live and move and have your being' as even some of your own poets have said, 'we are indeed His offspring'"...

hebrews 12:28-29:

"...therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shakem, and thus let us offer to Fos acceptable worship, with reverance and awe, for our God is a consuming fire..."

this has been my prayer lately - that i would seek the Lord with a whole heart... that i would yearn for this God whose will cannot be shaken.

abc.

um, whats a skillet.

i love weekends. i love them because i finally have time to do what i want. if i want to sleep, i can. if i want to paint, i can. if i want to study (which i never want too...), i can. and if i want to do nothing, i can! so this weekend was one of those were i just wanted to chill... and chill i did. my friend, katie, and i decided we were not going to do anything friday night but hang out on the couch and it has been one of my most favorite nights here yet.

i found this awesome blog called The Noble Pig and it has some baller recipes on it that are pretty easy. i love it. so katie and i decided to cook a good dinner and watch a good movie.... we found this recipe called Noodle Pie and it was SO good.

we boiled our pasta, browned our meet, crushed our own garlic.... the whole shebang. the dish looked really cool because the noodles stood straight up. funny story.. as we were stacking them in there we kept eating the noodles too and then we realized we probably shouldn't have done that.....

So we had to open another box of noodles and boil 12 more.... it was pretty funny.
another funny thing that happened... when we finished browning the meat i told katie "i know theres something we are supposed to do about the fat but i cant remember" and she was like "ya my mom always does something with a paper towel? ...i dont really know" and that was how alot of the night went... trying to remember what to do from what we had seen our moms doing all growing up.

my personal favorite was when i asked katie to hand me a skillet to start the meat in and all i hear is a long pause and finally katie goes, "uhhh, whats that again?"

but we made it through it and anded up with a gourmet meal!! this was what it looked like when we were all done! we both were so proud of it!
it was seriously so yummy!!! (i dont know if you can see it in this picture, but after you make the meat sauce, you pour it on top and then stuff it into the center of each noodle. so its this whole dish of stuffed noodles with melted cheese on top... Mmmm)
and dont worry mom, thats sparkling grape juice:)

after eating our de-lish dinner, we plopped on the couch to watch 500 Days of Summer and paint. it was such a fun, relaxing, chill night with some great friends!!

abc.

can't teach this.

i came across these 2 videos and like yesterday, they blew me away! it amazes me 1. the amount of talent these people have and 2. the amount of time they have to spend/waste (depending on your perspective) on perfecting these talents. i find it fascinating.

WATCH THIS

&

WATCH THIS

happy middle of the week!

abc.

a little entertainment.

not many of you may find this as- cool/mind-blowing/incredible/awesome/literally the coolest thing you've seen in a while- as i did, but since i found it to be those and all the above... i decided to share it with you. i want something like this in my house one day! maybe not chinese looking animals... but a big wall with something cool on it that i made. anyways.... click the link below and Happy Tuesday!!

WATCH THIS

ps. i love the ending. when the artist is just standing there, nodding his head in approval of his work. i kinda feel like thats what God did when he was finished creating the ultimate piece of art. he just stood back, admired, and nodded his head in the utmost approval... i dont know. just a thought.

abc.

a tripy kind of day.

Well, today has just been a really funny day.

it all started at 5:45 this morning. Yes, i woke up at 5:45. i got a wake-up call from my mom saying 'time to goooo' so i jumped out of bed, confused, because i had forgotten that i was at home. i slept the entire way back to auburn and my mom dropped my off, just like the good ole days, right in front of my class.

so as i start walking into my class, i quickly lose my balance and slip and fall, completely on my butt, in front of TONS of people, and get many "oh that just made my day" looks. i then precede to my Global Consumer Affairs class, which will be the death of me, only to type all my notes and forget to press Save... so i lost them all.

i then remember, 'Oh ya, i am teaching today and forgot i have to rent out instruments!"

so i scurry on over to haley center and rent out "music sticks" then go to the Education Library to rent a CD for the class. after taking up, literally, 30 min of the librarians time, a girl from my class walks in to inform me she checked out the CD and has a burned copy for me.... which she told me in class last week, i had just forgotten. whats new.

so i head out to the school to teach a Pre-K class about Loud and Soft sounds.. and when i ask "what is a really loud sound in nature that you can think of?" one little, very precious, boy says, "ooo ooo ooo pick me! pick me! a butterfly!!" no, im sorry... butterflies are silent. and i had MANY other answers just like that during the entire lesson!

also, while i was in the middle of teaching, another little boy (my personal favorite) raises his hand and says in his cute little voice, "Ms. Cunninham can i go gets some stishus? i gots some buggies!" and sure enough, his finger is COVERED in green boogers. i tried not to laugh, but i couldn't help it.

i then head back to my house to sit down and get some homework done, but fall asleep and take a 4 hour nap. oops. and it wasn't until i put my hands down to sit up that i realized how bad my hands hurt from falling this morning and just started laughing at my ridiculous day.

all that being said, the classroom was incredible. i absolutely loved it. the kids were the cutest little kids i have ever seen. and all they wanted was to the center of attention. i can't wait to have a classroom of my own!

abc.

i am second.

i know, i know.. i already blogged once today. but whatever.

there's this website that i think is so cool called "i am second." you should check it out... today i was on it and came across this little girl's clip . it was amazing to me that a girl this young could actually get it.

but what blew me away was when i came across Brian Welch's clip. this guy used to be in the band Korn and his testimony is incredible.

but what REALLY blew me away was how these two people- literally as opposite as they come- are talking about the same God. thats amazing.

abc.

instruments in His hands.

"The good news of the kingdom is not freedom from hardship, suffering, and loss.

It is the news of a Redeemer who has come to rescue me from myself.

His rescue produces change that fundamentally alters my response to these inescapable realities.

The Redeemer turns rebels into disciples, fools into humble listeners.

He makes cripples walk again.

In him we can face life and respond with faith, love, and hope.

And as he changes us, he allows us to be a part of what he is doing in the lives of others.

As you respond to the Redeemer’s work in your life, you can learn to be an instrument in his hands."

-Paul David Tripp

abc.

here with me.

"I long for your embrace

Every single day

To meet you in this place

And see you face to face

Will you show me?

Reveal yourself to me?

Because of your mercy

I fall down on my knees

And I can feel your presence here with me

Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty

Caught up in the wonder of your touch

Here in this moment I surrender to your love

You're everywhere I go

I am not alone

You call me as your own

To know you and be known

You are holy

And I fall down on my knees

I can feel your presence here with me

Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty

Caught up in the wonder of your touch

Here in this moment I surrender to your love

I surrender to your grace

I surrender to the one who took my place

I can feel your presence here with me

Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty

Caught up in the wonder of your touch

Here in this moment I surrender to your love."

i have a huge nutrition test tomorrow. the last test i had in there, i studied 5 days in advance, made over 300 notecards (which i knew EVERY SINGLE ONE), and took every practice quiz/test i could, and rewrote ALL my notes. annnnd i ended up with a 62 on that test.

our test tomorrow, according to our teacher, is supposed to be ALOT harder...

i met with my advisor today about classes for next semester and how im doing in this one. it was then that she informed me that the cohort im applying for only accepts the top 25 students and so if i wanted to have a fair chance at even getting considered then i needed to have AT LEAST a 3.0 by the end of this semester.

so, ever since that meeting, i have been absolutely freaking out about my test tomorrow. if i studied that much for my test last time and got that bad of a grade and this one is supposedly harder- how the heck am i supposed to get a good enough grade in this class to bring my GPA up even more?! i feel like there is SO much pressure on me to be perfect. i feel like i have absolutely no room for error.

i know that i am a smart girl. but after my last test in this class, i have zero confidence in myself regarding my capability to know, understand, and do well on my test tomorrow.

so as im sitting in barns and nobel silently feeling like my world is crashing down on me so hard i want to just give up, this song comes on my shuffle and it hits me. that verse i have heard a million and one times...

"i can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me."

does that mean i no long have to study? no. does that mean that i can do the bare minimum and he'll take care of the rest? no. God is no magical genie that i can just make a wish and he bow to my every desire. (thank goodness!)

BUT- it does mean that i can rest secure in the knowledge that God is here- with me. and in the grande scheme of things, though my test tomorrow is very important, there are bigger things at work here. and God sovereign so this whole stressin' to the max about my future, and applying for this school, and finding cohorts, or pre-teaching, or WHATEVER- that God is in total control of this. "...You're everywhere I go- I am not alone. You call me as your own , to know you and be known..." i am not alone in this because Christ has had my life intricately planned out since before i was knit together in my mothers womb.

again, this blog was for me. to preach to myself the gospel that God is in total control of my life. and stressing like i have been does nothing but suck every last drop of joy out of this entire process.

pray for me as i study and take this test, because i do need to do really good on it! but also pray that i will constantly be reminded that my identity is not in my grades, and that the Lord is so beautifully sovereign.

abc.

reminiscing.

on twitter, on facebook, on campus, and in every conversation, people are talking about this gorgeous weather. how pretty it is outside, how much they love that its finally cold and they can pull out their boots and flannel and drink a pumpkin spice latte from starbucks. i think i read 30 tweets just today about how life is so stressful but this gorgeous weather/time of year is helping get them through it... it just puts them in a great mood.

it hasn't really done the same for me. its actually brought up very mixed emotions- excited, frustrated, anxious, sad, peaceful, angry.... but just tonight i feel like i've figured out why...

i know i was only there for one fall, but that one fall at wofford was indescribable. before i go any further... this is a happy post- i promise. this isn't resorting back to my 'woe is me' phase. as a disclaimer, i do like auburn and this is in NO way me saying i wish i wasn't here....

that being said, wofford really is beautiful this time of year. but its more what i did with all my friends that fall that makes me reminisce so much. just to tell a couple stories...

- one night at around midnight steph and i decided we wanted "HOT NOWWWW" doughnuts and that we wanted to go star gaze. so we got the doughnuts (2 dozen.. freshmen 15 much?), got all our friends up, and about 11 or so of us went out on the football field, ate hot doughnuts, and star gazed. that was followed by a ridiculous amount of pictures, some sliding down the big hill, and then campus safety spotlighting us, taking down all our names, and giving us a stern talking to...

- another night me and 5 of my closest girl friends decided to partake in some pranking.. we preceded to cover our friends car in, literally, thousands of post its. it was beautiful. funny thing- that was only one night after the football field incident and yes, we got talked to again by campus safety... it was great.

- there was one time when steph, quinn, and i decided to drive to greenville only to arrive there at around 1. so by the time we decided to head back at around 345 i asked quinn to drive because i was too tired... needless to say, i was out in about 2 min (maybe less) and do not remember one thing about the drive home. much less getting into bed. i was so worn out.

- another fall memory is when steph, jack, and i all went and sat at "The Spot" and eventually made it out onto the baseball field at around 1 or 2 just to lay there, bundled up, talking about our lives...

there are countless other stories that i hold so close to my heart with those friends. its hard for me here- because walking around campus, seeing the football field, then the baseball field, seeing a place that has rocking chairs similar to "The Spot", and so many other things... it just takes me back. back to a great year filled with some of the best friends i've ever known.

the reason im blogging all this is for my sake. for SO long, i've thought that to 'get over' transferring, or to 'move on' i had to suppress those memories. i thought that if i talked about them then i would start crying and just get depressed or something. but its the opposite. by allowing myself to see the good in those, its allowed me to really appreciate the good here.

those are some of my most favorite memories that i have. and talking about them brings the biggest smile to my face. talking about them, reminiscing, brings this surreal joy to me that is kinda unexplainable.

the beginning of this season was really hard for me because i kept thinking 'i just want to go back'.. but thats not true. i want to be in the will of my Father, regardless of how easy or hard it is. and He has me here. and its great.

i made myself write those memories because they are such fun memories to have and the people that are in them- they will never be replaced. ever. but what i forgot in all my self-pitty is that there are SO many memories still to be made! here. now. with the incredible friends God has blessed me with here.

do we have somewhere close thats fun like greenville? no. do we have access to the football and baseball stadiums at the wee hours of the night? not if we dont want to go to jail..... but when i think back to that chapter of my life- we could have been sitting on the floor in marsh 219 and been having just as much fun. it was the people. and that is what the Lord has given me here and is continuing to open my eyes to.

i have some amazing friends here. friends that, because of knowing them, i am a better person. and i can't wait to do all kinds of fun, spontaneous, ridiculous, possibly stupid things with.

- go on numerous road trips to who knows where with the bestie, iz.

- randomly drive an hour and a half just to go to prietsers so that katie and i could get really good pecans and ice cream

- have random rolling-chair dances in the studio

- going to insamnia just to hang out with some great friends

- FISHBOWL.

- procrastinating by painting random quote things for our house with amy...

i am so grateful for the friends that the Lord has given me. the ones here, the ones there, and the ones everywhere in between...

"more than that,

we REJOICE in our sufferings,

knowing that suffering produces endurance,

and endurance produces character,

and character produces hope,

and hope does not put us to shame,

because God's love has been poured into our hearts

through the Holy Spirit

who has been given to us..."

romans 5:3-5

abc.

inspired by life.

well- i have been very inspired to blog lately, but i literally have had no time. so here i am.. finally catching up. so many things have been happening in my heart and in my life. i know this sounds cheesy, but life has been inspiring me to write so much. i have been journaling my really personal thoughts but i just have so much that i dont ever want to forget. its hard to keep up when time is so relentless to slow down. even as im typing im trying to make sure there isn't something better i should be doing with this time. (because everyone knows how great i am at time management....)

this whole post is (as the title infers) me coming to grips that i, and all my friends, are growing up SO fast. it is cra-zyy. my best friend turned 22 this week! and my little brother (who i still picture playing in the mud at age 3) turned 17. what happened to that time?

since i couldn't be home for tanners birthday, this coming weekend is all about him.. im so excited to get to spend alot of time with him and the rest of the fam. but since my bestie was here- i celebrated her 22 years with her.

iz and i have gone through so much together. up and downs just like any other set of best friends. but what i love so much is that we have gotten to really grow up together. yes in the literal meaning but also in maturity. we have been running together since the most immature of our days.. i am so blessed and thankful to have a best friend that i know i can go to and say anything to and she will TOTALLY, 100% understand what im trying to say even when it comes out like another language. we have this joke that "it makes since up there" and thats the only way i can explain my friendship with her.... i could never put it into words- but for the both of us, its simple. we besties. and it makes since to us two... up there! (her turning 22 is reminder # 1 million that time is going way too fast)

Happy 22nd Birthday iz. i love you so much and would be totally lost without you.

speaking of being lost without someone... my mom pulled a major 'mom of the year' for me this past week and it was so fun/meant so much to me. me and some of my friends decided to have over the new baby ZTA's to get to know them better... because our house is ballin' i volunteered to have a pot-luck dinner at my house. so we did what every kid these days does to make something official- we sent out the good ole facebook group invite and all picked something to bring.

i then, of course, call my mom in a frantic tizzy because after volunteering to make her oh-so-delicious mexican lasagna, i realize i have no flippin idea how to even begin making that dish. she, being the most amazing mom i know, just decided to make it a day trip and come cook with me. it was great. i got to spend most of the afternoon with her teaching me her tricks and recipes and how to take care of left overs... it was so fun! (and reminder #2 million and 1 that i am growing up way too fast)

this is the kitchen after being taken over by my mom and i... i must brag here for a second and say it was the best dang mexican lasagna i've had yet and all my friends kept telling me what a fantastic cook i was. to which i just chuckled and said, 'thank my mom!'

mom- thanks so much for coming down. it meant so much to me :)

ever since then though i have this idea stuck in my head that im freakin Betty Crocker. i cant go into the kitchen without wanting to cook something. its ridiculous. and keep in mind- i am in college, in a house with 8 girls, and absolutely zero cooking supplies. so when i decide i want to cook something it is quickly overruled because that means 1 of 3 things...

1. i have to go out and buy about $35-40 dollars worth of stuff to even be able to make it

2. i will dirty up the kitchen, which means i have to clean it

3. i will have to eat all of it at one sitting because i never remember that i have leftovers.

or all of the above.

however. i have found 1 thing that i can make, feel like im a profesh cook while making it, that can be easily devoured by 1 to 3 girls within 5 min and seems to always spark good conversation.... introducing my friend guac.

i love making it. i like to pretend that i am Rachel Ray on my own cooking show. i can chop, mix, pinch this, and tid-bit that, all i want... i legit get so into it. its actually pretty embarrassing. but i really do go all out... i went to kroger (where i saved $10.53 from my kroger card... im SO proud) and got fresh avocados, bell peppers, onions, cilantro, tomatoes, and limes and made my own little concoction....
i chopped me up some bell peppers and baby tomatoes...

...and mixed till my little heart was happy and then pigged. out.

something so fun that i did this week was go and see Easy A. go see it. it is SO funny! katie, iz, and i went and saw it and not only was it hilarious, but the whole experience was pretty eventful. iz and i got there early to save seats and katie was going to meet us there. well you know how there are always those people that decide to be the most difficult people on the planet? well they ALL got together and decided to be in 1 movie theater all at the same time. it was ridiculous.

of allllll the seats in the theater, this group of girls come and plops right in front of iz and i where we CLEARLY have our feet. then another group of girls comes and sit directly next to me. and i get stuck next to sickly sally who is blowing her nose every 3 minuets while also chomping on her popcorn which she so conveniently kicks over, quite loudly, half way through the movie. it was wooounderful.

really though- it was so funny because iz and i were just being rude and ridiculous right back. im surprised there was no fight.

(speaking of fighting- i got a personal trainer. i want to fight her because i am so sore.)

on a more serious note- the Lord has been so faithful to me. just within these past 2 weeks i have felt so close to the Lord. he has provided thing after thing that has reminded me of his great goodness. through the relationships i have with so many dear friends, to small encouragement's throughout this week, to just really sweet times in the Word with Him... he continues to reveal himself to me in new and neat ways.

he continues to bring people in my life that i am so incredibly thankful for. if you know me at all- you know relationships run my life. i am ALL ABOUT the relationship with a person. and the Lord has seriously blessed me with the most incredible relationships. with new friends, old friend, and life-long friends that seem almost like family. i have gotten to be so encouraged while skyping with my far-away friends, challenged by talking with my new friends, and i have just been so content with everything. the Lord really is so good.

there is only one area in my life right now that is anything but peaceful. there is this huge piece of my heart busting at the seem to unleash itself but it cant and i dont know how or when it will be able to. lately the Lord has given me such a desire to go overseas. i want to GO. i want to go so bad. i want to take a stand in my faith and get cultural experience. i want to get out of this bubble that i have known my whole life. i want to be rudely awakened. i want to experience life as i've never known it. i want to taste, i want to see, i want a tangible grasp, i want new colors, i want new sunsets, i want new faces... i want a new culture. i want to be 100% immersed in the cultural identity of something i have never even dreamed of. i want to get out and go. and i am praying that the Lord shows me where and how because i feel like i am going to suffocate if i dont get out...

welp. thats a recap on this crazy life of mine. 'till next time.....

abc.

all-nighter.

well, i pulled my first all-nighter tonight. my first one in all of college and i can safely say, i hope this is the last. all my eyes want to do is shut. if i don't do well on all these test i am just going to disobey this 'no sugar september' thing and eat a snickers and a blue powerade slushy from sonic because thats really all i want right now! back to studying!

abc.

delirious.

i have been doing homework since 10:30 am. it is now 10:37 pm. i had a 15 min lunch break and then about an 1 hour and 30 min dinner break.... thats approx 10 hours of homework. ON A SATURDAY. i am not ok with this, college.

abc.

reminder.

for our long weekend i got to go to the lake with some awesome, awesome friends. it was so much fun and a much needed break.

the whole weekend we just hung out and enjoyed getting to laugh with each other and catch up. half of us go to auburn and the other half go to samford... i love weekends like these when i get to be with the people i love regardless of how far (or not far) we live from each other.

it was so fun just laying out, dancing on the dock, telling each other funny stories, encouraging each other in Christ, and just having a girls weekend.

we also got to watch the gorgeous sunset together and soak in the beauty of that. so of course we had to throw what we know.....

my all time favorite of the weekend was that night. 4 of us went out on the roof, laid on a quilt, looked at the starts and just talked.

so many girls i have talked to recently have said "i just wish....", "i know but if i could just...", and my personal favorite "if i were just there though..." i say those lines about 8 trillion times a day. and this weekend was so good for me to be reminded that God has me and my friends exactly where he wants us.

i miss my friends that go to other schools alot. and so many times i play the what if game and think of how much easier it would be if i "were just there"... but the truth is that doesn't matter. God has me and those friends in the place that he wants me to be.

this night (in the picture below) reminded me of that. the Lord has provided me with incredibl friends here at auburn and i am SO blessed to be here- with them. and weekends like this past one are great to get to be reunited with other dear friends, but i cannot forget the incredible friends that i have with me day in and day out.

i cant wait to see what else the Lord has in store for me and all my friends.. here or at other colleges. and i cant wait for another lake trip!! (hint hint Nay Nay)

abc.

(păr'ə-dŏks').

par·a·dox n.

1. A seemingly contradictory statement that may nonetheless be true
2. One exhibiting inexplicable or contradictory aspects:
3. An assertion that is essentially self-contradictory, though based on a valid deduction from acceptable premises.
4. A statement contrary to received opinion.

i love the paradox in this picture. to me, it perfectly captures the way i feel i am. in this picture, from one root, there are two things growing- something alive, and something dead. both the same origin, just one is fed and one isn't.

recently i have become more and more aware of my sin and the way it takes me over. i have this burning desire to do the will of my Father, but i have this part of me that wants so badly to rebel against everything i know i am called to.

"What then shall we say? that the law is sin? by no means!

yet if it had not been for the law, i would not have known sin...

for apart from the law, sin lies dead. i once was alive apart from the law,

but when the commandment came, sin came alive and i died.

the very commandment that promised life proved to be death to me.

for sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment, deceived me

and through it, killed me... did that which is good, then, bring death to me?

BY NO MEANS! it was sin, producing sin in me through what is good,

in order that sin might be shown to be sin, and through the commandment might become sinful beyond measure... for i do not understand my own actions.

for i do not do what i want, but i do the very thing i hate...

for i have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out...

so i find it to be a law that when i want to do right, evil lies close at hand.

For i delight in the law of God, in my inner being,

but i see in my member another law WAGING WAR against the law of my mind

and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members...

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus!"

Romans 7:7-8:1

romans is one of my favorite books of the bible. these truths are so evident in my life... how can something as beautiful as Christ dwell in me, and at the same time, something as hideous as sin be constantly making habitations in my heart and soul?

its hard for me not to dwell on this. i get frustrated with the Lord alot because to me, if i am asking for a good thing, why would he not want that for me? if i am asking for sin to be dealt with and for Him to sanctify me- to make me clean- why would He continue to allow sin to manifest in me? and in this questioning is where satan creeps in and plants the lie in my heart that my Father is withholding something from me....

"who shall separate us from the love of Christ?

shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? ...NO, in all these things we are more than conquerors

through Him who loved us!

for i am SURE that neither death nor life,

nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come,

nor powers, nor height nor depth,

nor anything else in all creation,

will be able to separate us from the love of God

in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:35-39

and then i am reminded of this- and all my doubt, questioning, frustration.... subsides. my God is stronger. if none of those things can separate me from His love, then no amount of my filth can either. because by Gods grace alone i am covered. and i love that paradox.

despite the filth that takes over my soul so many times a day, i am seen as beautiful and clean. perfect and pure. i am desired by my Father. it amazes me that He is still perusing my heart. i want to daily surrender to a God like that. i want to give all that i am to a ministry that clearly proclaims the beauty of Christ. i want to live a life that demonstrates this paradoxel faith-

that through death, there is immense life.

abc.